My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

[Fanofbeasmith]

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

Thank you everyone for the messages. I don't think it's possible to summarise someone's entire personality from a couple of posts but I appreciate the opinions nonetheless.

We have actually been together for 3 years now. There are a few issues, but this is the biggest and yes, I agree it makes us quite incompatible, and I think it's a very unattractive trait of his.

I don't want to be saying "I'm going out, you can't come". I know it might seem like I can't afford to be generous but I just wouldn't want to live like that.

It's not that he wants to be treated. It's just that he wants to spend time with me and if I want to do anything that costs money, or, you know, go anywhere, he doesn't expect to pay. But life isn't free. If I was happy to spend time at his he would provide meals (that he would make for himself anyway) for me too. If I was happy to go where he wants to go he would drive us in his car.

I don't really know why he gave up his job. He hated working but he was reasonably content in his previous role. It's bizarre to me, his attitude towards many things is quite bizarre to me!

Whatever it is though, it's giving me the ick and sucking the joy out of everything, so perhaps it is time to let go.

“If you are going to come, you’ll need to pay for yourself and it’s your turn to drive.”

More nonsense and some inappropriate emoji too. You erroneously linked his stingy behaviour to mental illness and I disputed it.That isn’t so nasty it’s simply challenging stigma that labels any unsavoury behaviour as indicative of mental illness.

It gives me the ick and I don’t even know him.

I think you already know the answer to this. If you don't then it's all a bit sad.

he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

So you need to stop inviting him to eat out with you. Accept that you want different things and have different priorities. Do your own thing with your kids and spend your money how you like, just don't include him in these trips out. As unattractive as I find all this, he has a point. If he's only eating out with you at your insistence then why should he pay? Of course it's ridiculous and unsustainable to carry on like this, so just stop going out to eat when he is there.

Or better still, just dump him. You've got the ick now anyway. You are just not compatible.

My mind is open to the possibility that such behaviour may have a link to MH . I am not saying it is the only answer but something that could be possible.

You are obviously not an emogi person 🙄 - & we all express ourselves in different ways. 😉

The only thing that is ridiculous is putting up with him for a moment longer. He's taking away money that should be used for you and your children. Get rid of him.

I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

But this is all your kids childhood. Did he never go on holiday as a child? he has chosen not to work, you can chose not to fund his chosen lifestyle.

Maybe ease up on the meals out but otherwise he needs to start paying his way if he wants to join you on days out.

The thing is, if he really isnt bothered about doing anything that doesnt involve sitting at home not spending money, then that isnt going to change.

Take the money out of the equation for a second. Lets assume you both pay your way but he only goes along with these things because you want to and lets you know that thats the only reason he is there. "I am doing this FOR YOU". So that means that you always wondering if he is having a good time or counting the minutes, therefore maybe you will stop suggesting doing things so often and eventually you end up living his way anyway. OR you keep doing things but it builds up the resentment that whatever you do and wherever you go, its always you doing the organising and transporting. He will never ever take the initiative to organise something simply for the joy of surprising you with something that he knows would make you happy.

So you are basically incompatible.

Adding in that if you want to do anything then you have to pay for him aswell, thats just plain insulting and almost like a punishment for you daring to want to do anything that he wouldnt choose to do for himself.

Does he holiday? If you wanted to I take it he would happily go but expect you to pay for him?

Bin him.

It sounds like he's changed in those 3 years, I expect things were different before he quit his job and decided to live like a miser?

You don't have to say 'you can't come', you can tactfully explain that you can't afford to pay for him as well as yourself and the children on a day out or at a restaurant. If he wants to live on a shoestring that's his choice, he can't expect you to give up doing anything fun or face paying his way the whole time.

It sounds like you're growing apart.

I can see both points of view but I think you have to take the kids out for a meal alone a few times. If you’re out for the day tell him you’ll be eating out so not to forget his sandwiches. Just don’t pay for him, stop for tea or ice cream and don’t buy him one.
and for the love of god please stop saying ‘ick’ - we’re all adults.

Thank you everyone for the messages. I don't think it's possible to summarise someone's entire personality from a couple of posts but I appreciate the opinions nonetheless I don’t think it’s necessary to summarise any other part of his personality apart from the tightness. If you eventually live together he’s not going to magically change. What is giving you the ick now will be the cause of major resentment and arguments, which will affect the environment your children grow up in. Why prolong something that has no future, especially when there are kids and their emotions involved? Everyone is a mix of good/bad (or maybe annoying as opposed to bad exaxtly) qualities. A negative quality like being messy or late or something like that can be overlooked if someone is kind, supportive and generous. Some negative points are just too big to be balanced by positives. I think for most people, this is one.

He is stealing joy from you and money from your children.

He’s not kind and nice

also maybe stop going for takeaways and meals out and £300 days out if you live off credit cards 🫣🤯

@Fanofbeasmith I voted YABU, because I want to hug you, shake you or just kmt and walk away all at the same time.

I don't even blame him either, because this is so bleeding obvious.

He doesn't live with you, so you can quite easily go out without him. You can spend time together at the park (free), library etc. Save the expensive meals and trips for you and your children, because he won't help you repay credit card debts he considers unnecessary.

I can also guarantee this relationship won't progress further, because he'll not want to move you into his house when you've ruined your finances treating him. And in the unlikely event it does, it will only be because he knows you'll work and fund the lifestyle to which you've gotten him accustomed.

You really need to catch a grip!

Ugh, gross. I'd be having a very long conversation with him and tell him you'll no longer pay for his meals out, His excuse is ridiculous.
The ick is strong.

'Perhaps'?

@Fanofbeasmith I don't really know why he gave up his job. He hated working but he was reasonably content in his previous role. It's bizarre to me.

You call it bizarre, I call it irresponsible.

What a cheeky bastard! Wow youve got to get rid! Unbelievable. Hes taking advantage of your kind nature and making you believe you should pay because you don’t want porridge for tea? Fuck that

You deserve better. Stop spending money on him that could be spent on your kids or savings or anything really except him. Stop being used.

So basically unless you want to eat toast or porridge then you have to pay? That's the jist of it. Playing you like a fiddle. Ditch the tight bugger and let him enjoy it until he chokes.

Wow - Would you allow a friend to treat you like this? If not - then he isn’t your friend.

I get that he wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for you, and he doesn’t want to pay etc, but he chooses to come.

If a friend invites me out - I choose to spend the time and money with her. If I’m short, I would say sorry, can’t afford it, and go after pay day.

Can I just politely point out that he wouldn’t be offering you “meals” at his house.
Porridge, soup, pasta and toast are not meals. It’s not even a healthy diet full stop, I didn’t even eat that badly at Uni!

Also your children are watching - we, as parents, need to be mindful of what we are teaching them in terms of how they should expect to be treated. They pick up on more than we realise.

‘He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him’

He WAS a nice guy until he decided to drop the guise of being self-sufficient & financially independent , he is not kind (treat, what treat?), this is not funny. You now have the ick with him. Game over.

He has changed the game, moved the goalposts etc & you are no long on the same team.

No matter what you earn, how much more than him, whatever. You work to provide for you & your own children, not him & his whimsical notions. your priorities are clear & he is trying it in to see how far he can go before you assert your boundaries.

He has gone too far.
You have the ick.
He either gets back to earning his own money or you are done with him.
It won’t stop at just this.