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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 30/08/2023 07:33

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/08/2023 07:11

Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

I wouldn't be keen if I were DH. It just has a sense of "progression" about it I think. My best friend's brother is now married to the colleague he "saved from loneliness" after a divorce. Not reasonable to stop you but I think it's ok to tell you it feels and looks a bit datey.

Agree with this.

BakingBeanz · 30/08/2023 07:34

I would have no issue with this at all and I’m surprised anyone would.

MiraculousLadybird · 30/08/2023 07:37

I am gobsmacked people would have an issue with this. It's a nice restaurant not a swingers club.

If my DH tried to stop me doing this if think he'd completely lost the plot. I can't believe the level of control some people think they can exert over their partner's free time and friendships. It's scary.

Coffeetree · 30/08/2023 07:39

You mean well OP and that totally comes across. But sorry I think it's a little off. Especially since he's recently separated, it gives a bad impression. He's probably vulnerable too. Just invite your husband along!

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:42

for people saying OP should not go to keep the peace in the marriage, I wholeheartedly disagree. If my partner started trying to dictate who I could spend time with or how we can spend that time (e.g McDonald’s is fine, fancy restaurant isn’t) it would make me see my partner in a very dim light and tell me our values aren’t aligned. My hard line in relationships is when it comes to my friends and leisure time, nobody gets to dictate what I do or who I hang out with. (Obviously that doesn’t apply to illegal activities before some clever sod comes along to say “oh so you’d expect him to wave you off happily to rob a bank?”)

That applies the other way around as well - I trust my partner, I wouldn’t dream of trying to curtail or dictate his social life. That’s not to say I don’t think he’s capable of cheating, everyone is, we’re all human, but if he felt so inclined to cheat I’m sure he’d find ways to do it whether I gave him rules on who he was allowed to go to dinner with or not. This kind of suspicion and jealousy would have the absolute opposite effect on me to wanting to assuage their worries and keep the peace - it would really give me the ick and make me more determined to go to the dinner on a point of principle. I find it baffling and quite tragic how many people on here seem to impose such rules on each other.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 07:43

Some of you people are insane. A posh restaurant does not automatically mean romantic.

I have been to the same fancy restaurant with three different people - my ex boss who is a good 25 years older than me when he treated me to a fancy lunch when I left my job, a close female friend I was treating to birthday cocktails and cocktails and a meal for two for Mr Monkey's 40th birthday. Only one of those meals was romantic.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 07:43

MiraculousLadybird · 30/08/2023 07:37

I am gobsmacked people would have an issue with this. It's a nice restaurant not a swingers club.

If my DH tried to stop me doing this if think he'd completely lost the plot. I can't believe the level of control some people think they can exert over their partner's free time and friendships. It's scary.

Yes. I’m still reeling at the revelation that going to the cinema suddenly becomes (I quote) ‘date territory’ if you do it with a man. And as for going for dinner and a film, well, clearly you may as well just get a room.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:44

Oh, and my bisexual boyfriend is currently on holiday with a very close gay male friend. According to this thread I should’ve put a stop to that in case they can’t help bumming each other silly in a travelodge in Italy.

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 07:48

I trust my partner, I wouldn’t dream of trying to curtail or dictate his social life. That’s not to say I don’t think he’s capable of cheating, everyone is, we’re all human, but if he felt so inclined to cheat I’m sure he’d find ways to do it whether I gave him rules on who he was allowed to go to dinner with or not.

I agree. If my husband were to cheat on me, that's on him. I'm not putting rules in place to stop that happening. If he cheats on me, the relationship is over. If he would cheat on me but was prevented by my "no fancy dinners with other women" rule, I don't really see how that's better. I don't want someone who is only faithful because I restrict his movements.

Nightsku · 30/08/2023 07:50

I wouldn’t be happy with it but I know my OH wouldn’t be happy either if I did it.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:50

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 07:48

I trust my partner, I wouldn’t dream of trying to curtail or dictate his social life. That’s not to say I don’t think he’s capable of cheating, everyone is, we’re all human, but if he felt so inclined to cheat I’m sure he’d find ways to do it whether I gave him rules on who he was allowed to go to dinner with or not.

I agree. If my husband were to cheat on me, that's on him. I'm not putting rules in place to stop that happening. If he cheats on me, the relationship is over. If he would cheat on me but was prevented by my "no fancy dinners with other women" rule, I don't really see how that's better. I don't want someone who is only faithful because I restrict his movements.

Right?! Cheaters gonna cheat. To me if you’re in a relationship with someone you choose to trust them. If they give you reason not to, in the bin they go.

Seriously79 · 30/08/2023 07:53

I don't see a problem with this at all. If he's happy for you to meet for a coffee with your friend - what is the difference meeting somewhere nicer in the evening?

My DH best friend is a woman, she was best person at our wedding (instead of best man). They always go out together shopping, tea etc

She's been around much longer than I have.

If he trust you, he trusts you it doesn't matter where you go.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 30/08/2023 08:05

I’m going out for dinner with a very good male friend at the weekend. His wife is away and asked me to do so to get him out of the house (he hates being alone). My dh knows and wouldn’t want to come.

We just get on really well and don’t have any romantic feelings towards each other. A good chance to chat about interests and other friends we have in common that our partners don’t share.

Nosleepforthismum · 30/08/2023 08:08

Look if your DH is uncomfortable with it and if he’s normally a decent reasonable guy, I wouldn’t go and I’d start to cool off the friendship. I say this having been in a very similar situation and although there was nothing from my side, my (what I thought) platonic friend one night declared he loved me and made an ill advised pass.

I would be encouraging your friend to ask someone else. His mum or sister would probably love to be taken out to a fancy restaurant. No need for it to be his married mate (and I’m sorry but it does sound like he’s developing feelings for you unless you nip it in the bud now)

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 08:24

Nosleepforthismum · 30/08/2023 08:08

Look if your DH is uncomfortable with it and if he’s normally a decent reasonable guy, I wouldn’t go and I’d start to cool off the friendship. I say this having been in a very similar situation and although there was nothing from my side, my (what I thought) platonic friend one night declared he loved me and made an ill advised pass.

I would be encouraging your friend to ask someone else. His mum or sister would probably love to be taken out to a fancy restaurant. No need for it to be his married mate (and I’m sorry but it does sound like he’s developing feelings for you unless you nip it in the bud now)

Absolutely nothing the OP has said indicates her friend has any sexual feelings whatsoever towards her. Leaving aside entirely the issue of using the restaurant voucher with him, I’m astonished that you think someone should end a close, longterm friendship because of a spouse’s ungrounded suspicions. As the OP’s friend’s experience suggests, good friendships frequently outlast marriages.

purplebluediscorain · 30/08/2023 08:30

@Nanny0gg exactly what I said, I’m around a fair few relationships some healthier than others and I even know the man in that one wouldn’t stand for it. I know a woman who’s partner got bought a voucher for somewhere from a female friend and the partner said he should take his female friend and he said no I’d rather go somewhere like that with you.

id never want to go anywhere that the public could assume I was in a relationship with anyone other than my partner.

Insheerpanic · 30/08/2023 08:32

It's all about trust, I don't see an issue and neither would my DH but we trust each other. Not like you're going behind his back, he knows the score and your friend needs some support.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2023 08:34

purplebluediscorain · 30/08/2023 08:30

@Nanny0gg exactly what I said, I’m around a fair few relationships some healthier than others and I even know the man in that one wouldn’t stand for it. I know a woman who’s partner got bought a voucher for somewhere from a female friend and the partner said he should take his female friend and he said no I’d rather go somewhere like that with you.

id never want to go anywhere that the public could assume I was in a relationship with anyone other than my partner.

If I was going out with a friend it wouldn't occur to me to worry about what the 'public' might be thinking. Why would they be giving it a second thought?

MiraculousLadybird · 30/08/2023 08:35

id never want to go anywhere that the public could assume I was in a relationship with anyone other than my partner

What would the public think?! 😂😂😂😂

I'm sorry but this thinking is absolutely batshit.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 08:39

purplebluediscorain · 30/08/2023 08:30

@Nanny0gg exactly what I said, I’m around a fair few relationships some healthier than others and I even know the man in that one wouldn’t stand for it. I know a woman who’s partner got bought a voucher for somewhere from a female friend and the partner said he should take his female friend and he said no I’d rather go somewhere like that with you.

id never want to go anywhere that the public could assume I was in a relationship with anyone other than my partner.

How mystifying. Why is it important what the ‘general public’ think about an entirely unremarkable situation?

I went last year to a ball held by a male friend’s professional organisation, because he’s single and knew I would love being able to see inside the venue (stately home not open to the public, in beautiful grounds). I suppose people we weren’t talking to there/who didn’t know us might have assumed we were a couple, but I can’t see the issue. DH was fine with it. He will often take female friends to his work events that I can’t make/am not interested in. No one shags anyone.

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 08:41

id never want to go anywhere that the public could assume I was in a relationship with anyone other than my partner.

But people could assume that if you're just walking down the road with someone? Or if you bump into a male friend while getting a coffee and are chatting in the line, someone else who walks in might think you're a couple?

And it doesn't actually matter what people assume.

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 08:42

I wouldn't do it personally as I find it to be inappropriate and considering your DH feels uneasy about it, it's not worth it.

Enthusedeggplant · 30/08/2023 08:48

Your dh presumably knows the posh food won’t entrance your wits and that you’re not some over sexed libidinous animal with no rational mind. Presumably he thinks men can be the same? He is being absurd.
mine would give me a lift and tell me I was lucky to get comped a posh tasting menu. Have a blast.

Enthusedeggplant · 30/08/2023 08:51

I have no understanding of fears of being seen as a partner. People sometimes think my son is my partner, may think my female friends are partners - who cares? It’s actually really important to me that dh has female friends and doesn’t get funny about my make ones as it suggests an ability to see the person and a maturity of friendship.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 08:55

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 06:55

Hahaha you win! Ugh this is pathetic

Show quote history

My comment is pathetic? If so your reply is ridiculous. Who the f* goes to a fancy restaurant, at night time with a member of the opposite sex (if both heterosexual)?

Women are so naive. He clearly, undisputably, fancies her to ask this.

Jeez anyone with half a brain cell can see this is crossing a line.

This is no innocent coffee date.

Anyway, the fact her dh is expressing concern should be enough.