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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
CR7 · 30/08/2023 08:58

BackToOklahoma · 29/08/2023 19:54

I’d think I had huge problems in my relationship if my partner behaved like this about me going out to dinner with a friend. He trusts me so nothing else would come into it for him. Saying that, I know my partner is a reasonable person so if he was funny about it, I wouldn’t ignore it and he’d be the same if I had an issue with it.

Echoing this

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 08:58

He clearly fancies her, is in a weak state and will probably make a pass which she might not want.
Still awkwardness all round.

Honestly, some women have no clue about guys. The really don't.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 08:59

PimpMyFridge · 30/08/2023 07:33

Agree with this.

Show quote history

Absolutely.

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 09:01

Women are so naive. He clearly, undisputably, fancies her to ask this.

If he does then OP can deal with that. If my male friend ever did anything to express a romantic or sexual interest in me, I'd absolutely shut it down and cool the friendship immediately. But I'm not going to act as if he must fancy me when there's no reason to think that. A restaurant (that he has vouchers for, so he has a reason for suggesting it) is not automatically romantic. My DH would trust me (and I'd trust myself) to know where the boundaries are and put a stop to anything inappropriate immediately. I just don't consider a restaurant to be outside of those boundaries.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:01

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:44

Oh, and my bisexual boyfriend is currently on holiday with a very close gay male friend. According to this thread I should’ve put a stop to that in case they can’t help bumming each other silly in a travelodge in Italy.

To be honest you should have.

Summerishere123 · 30/08/2023 09:05

My best friend is male and we go to dinner just the two of us. Admittedly he is gay but he wasn't "out" during the first 7 years of our relationship and DH never batted an eyelid.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 09:07

@purplebluediscorain that is insane. Mr Monkey went to a race a couple of weeks ago with a female friend who is a member of the same running club. He paced her round to her best time and they went for a few drinks afterwards to celebrate. Why would I give a fuck what "the public" think about their or our relationship.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:09

No self-respecting man would tolerate this (expressing concern does not =dictating) and no woman who respected her man would do it.

It's that simple.

Thatisthewayaha · 30/08/2023 09:09

Perhaps another way of considering situation is to ask oneself about what types of intimacy should be reserved for romantic relationships. Most people would agree sex but if anyone goes onto a Mumsnet thread where the OP isn't having sex, it will often be said that there are other types of intimacy outside of sex etc. It appears to me that this is the type of intimacy that the OP will be sharing with the friend.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 09:09

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:01

To be honest you should have.

Show quote history

assuming you’re being serious…why?

hylian · 30/08/2023 09:11

I'm not sure the question is whether he's being objectively unreasonable. There's not really an answer to that.

You know he feels uncomfortable, so I suppose the question is do you care enough about that?

If my DH was uncomfortable with something like this then I wouldn't feel OK about doing it and causing him pain, even if I thought it was a bit silly.

stevalnamechanger · 30/08/2023 09:11

I'd be going , and have gone out for similar meals with friends.

There are a lot of controlling folk it seems here .

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 09:13

stevalnamechanger · 30/08/2023 09:11

I'd be going , and have gone out for similar meals with friends.

There are a lot of controlling folk it seems here .

It's not controlling, it's having respect for your partner.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 09:13

I am taking from this there are a lot of insecure and possessive people oit there. If your partner is going to cheat they will cheat, mad arbitary rules about boundaries are not going to stop them. But dictating how they can spend their free time might push them to leave.

Enthusedeggplant · 30/08/2023 09:13

The biggest red flag on this thread is the insight into Sanitas’ thoughts.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 09:16

This feels like when a friend of mine told me she and her husband always have each other tracked on their phones so they know where the other is at all times. She was non plussed at my look of absolute horror.

The idea that someone I was in a relationship with would want to know where I was at all times gives me the ick deep down to my very bones.

MiraculousLadybird · 30/08/2023 09:17

Sanitas is clearly on the wind up. 2/10 for the first comment but you went way too far immediately after.

Rachie1973 · 30/08/2023 09:21

I went in the hot tub with my male neighbour the other day. I trust myself not to let the bubbles turn my lust on, and better still so does my DH. I adore him, and even though he’s ill and grumpy and tired I still wouldn’t want anyone else.

I think people are just different.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:24

People are assuming that the desire to cheat is enough.
It isn't: opportunity must be present, too.

So things are unlikely to progress over a sober coffee date but are once alcohol taken in a romantic setting.

Why are people so dumb not to get this?

It's as simple as taking barriers away.

He clearly wants those barriers removed.

OP, the 30% who disagree with you are correct.
Unless you fancy him too - which I suspect you do because it's much easier to refuse on entirely reasonable grounds than to accept- in which case, go for it.

To be honest though, I think you're just looking to strangers for plausible deniability.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:39

MiraculousLadybird · 30/08/2023 09:17

Sanitas is clearly on the wind up. 2/10 for the first comment but you went way too far immediately after.

I'm just telling the truth as I see it.

This is aibu, after all.

Last word to OP: if you want to keep your marriage intact, save a good friendship- that has to be honest already started on the slope of too much closeness- you will refuse the dinner and also see your friend less.

If you're also after an affair, just go and let things progress.

I'm not judging you from a moral standpoint: just being realistic.

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 09:41

People are assuming that the desire to cheat is enough.
It isn't: opportunity must be present, too.

So things are unlikely to progress over a sober coffee date but are once alcohol taken in a romantic setting.

But you seem to be assuming that the opportunity is enough, or that the desire is a given. If there is no desire to cheat, then the opportunity is irrelevant.

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 09:44

People clutching their pearls over this always baffles me.
Why does it being 'a fancy meal' make it more significant than if they met in KFC? Your DH knows the circumstances and that your friend isn't just taking you to a luxurious place for the hell of it. Although frankly I don't see the fuss even if he was.
I'm in a very long-term relationship and have a single male friend who takes me for evening drinks at his very swish private members' club. Despite the lovely decor, the prices and the top-notch service, we manage to refrain from a knee-trembler in the doorway as we leave.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:47

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 09:44

People clutching their pearls over this always baffles me.
Why does it being 'a fancy meal' make it more significant than if they met in KFC? Your DH knows the circumstances and that your friend isn't just taking you to a luxurious place for the hell of it. Although frankly I don't see the fuss even if he was.
I'm in a very long-term relationship and have a single male friend who takes me for evening drinks at his very swish private members' club. Despite the lovely decor, the prices and the top-notch service, we manage to refrain from a knee-trembler in the doorway as we leave.

It's more significant because barriers are taken away because of booze etc.

People are influenced by their surroundings.

A private members' club is not really analogous to a restaurant.
Everyone knows you, barriers are up.

Elphamouche · 30/08/2023 09:48

There would be no issue here, either way round.

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 09:51

@Sanitas ah hope you're ok