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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:23

Because I find it odd to reply that you think being in a restaurant with a man means something is inappropriate.

Except I didn't say that (you responded to another poster, who also didn't say that)

I was clear why I didn't think it was a great idea - and it's nothing to do with 'being in a restaurant with a man means something is inappropriate'.
Perhaps try reading my post?

So assume you are unable to stop yourself from shagging him on the table

Why would you make such a stupid assumption? There are many ways boundaries can be crossed without it equalling 'shagging on the table' (or anywhere).

What idiotic replies.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:24

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/08/2023 21:11

It wouldn't even cross my mind (or my DH's mind) that this was a problem.

I had dinner with an ex when I was in his city for work last year. DH did not bat a eyelid about it.

It's nothing like the same scenario! 😀

Peony654 · 29/08/2023 21:26

I can’t see anything wrong with that? Two friends having dinner and making use of pre bought vouchers. Enjoy!

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:27

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

From the OP's post.

This is where her DH has an issue. He has no problem with the friendship or the support. As a PP said, a meal round her house would be fine too.

All the posters suggesting there's not something different about an expensive intimate dinner, in the context of a recent & presumably painful separation are consciously missing the point.

It's a type of interaction and context that doesn't equate with just friendship. Saying that doesn't have to mean that either party is desperate to shag! It's just an odd scenario, in the context.

MrsColinRobinson · 29/08/2023 21:31

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:23

Because I find it odd to reply that you think being in a restaurant with a man means something is inappropriate.

Except I didn't say that (you responded to another poster, who also didn't say that)

I was clear why I didn't think it was a great idea - and it's nothing to do with 'being in a restaurant with a man means something is inappropriate'.
Perhaps try reading my post?

So assume you are unable to stop yourself from shagging him on the table

Why would you make such a stupid assumption? There are many ways boundaries can be crossed without it equalling 'shagging on the table' (or anywhere).

What idiotic replies.

Perhaps we agree that we consider each other's responses idiotic and you move on from quoting my posts.

Just because I disagree with you, as the majority do, does not entitle you to brand my reply as idiotic

Thatisthewayaha · 29/08/2023 21:33

It sounds a bit like you want to go for the restaurant experience as much as supporting your friend. Given that it is an expensive restaurant that you couldn't afford to go with your husband, I do think that makes it more complicated than it just being a supportive act for a friend, it seems more than that somehow. Given this, I think it would be best to prioritise your marriage and respect your husband's discomfort and not go, but instead offer to meet your friend for a more casual type of meal.

EyesEars · 29/08/2023 21:33

I'm sure he could sell it or give it as a gift. If he speaks to the restaurant they may extend the use by date.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:39

Just because I disagree with you, as the majority do, does not entitle you to brand my reply as idioti

I agree with you.

That's not what you did tho - you didn't simply disagree (fine). You twisted my point entirely, appeared not to have read what I said, and stated that my view was having dinner with a male friend equated to shagging on the table.

Your viewpoint isn't idiotic. Your deliberate misinterpretation of mine is. There's a difference - hth

Georgie8 · 29/08/2023 21:44

…but he hasn’t ‘chosen’ to take her to an expensive restaurant, he has vouchers to use which will shortly expire.

OP said he first offered her and her husband a mini-break (or similar), which they couldn’t go on, so he’s obviously not trying to ‘get her on his own’!

Really can’t understand why a free meal in a fancy place is ‘worse’ than him paying for a meal in an average place.

MrsColinRobinson · 29/08/2023 21:45

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:39

Just because I disagree with you, as the majority do, does not entitle you to brand my reply as idioti

I agree with you.

That's not what you did tho - you didn't simply disagree (fine). You twisted my point entirely, appeared not to have read what I said, and stated that my view was having dinner with a male friend equated to shagging on the table.

Your viewpoint isn't idiotic. Your deliberate misinterpretation of mine is. There's a difference - hth

As you correctly pointed out, my response was not to you originally. There was no need to continue to attempt to correct me.

Now please do bore off. Hth

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 21:57

I think your husband is being silly. I have a good friend who's a man and we've been out to dinner just the two of us and my husband didn't care. I'd have thought it really weird and annoying if he'd minded.

Grapewrath · 29/08/2023 22:01

Your DH is reasonable to be sad you’re eating at a posh place without him (as I would be 🤣)
He is entirely unreasonable to protest on account of your friend being male.
Hes entitled to his feelings but this is his problem, not yours

Rainbowsandrainclouds1 · 29/08/2023 22:10

Go out for dinner with your friend.

I'm bisexual, most of my female friends are bisexual. By the thinking of a lot of people on this thread I shouldnt be allowed out for a nice dinner with any of my friends in case our non existant lust gets the best of us over the fois gras and I cheat.

ManchesterLu · 29/08/2023 22:24

I'm a complete hypocrite as I'd be happy to go for a meal with a friend - but really wouldn't feel comfortable with DP doing the same.

(If DP didn't feel comfortable with me going, I'd suggest trying to make it a group outing instead).

rainyskylight · 29/08/2023 22:46

Hmmm. I can see it both ways. It really is specific to knowing the people involved.

could your DH come for a drink before or after so that he feels involved? Makes it more of a group thing?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/08/2023 22:58

I would be totally fine with this, but normally if OP were to say her DP was going out with a female friend the thread would be filled with posters saying ignore the cool wives at the very least he has feelings for her , its an emotional affair, blah,blah,blah.

Dolores87 · 29/08/2023 23:01

Your partner is being unreasonable. He is a long standing friend who is having a bad time. I would go.

GentlemanJay · 29/08/2023 23:03

Allywill · 29/08/2023 20:20

How long ago were they married? If I’d bought a voucher for the bride and groom to go out for a fancy meal as a wedding present I’d be a bit pissed off if he took someone else to be honest (if I ever found out)

Yes. Just how long were there married?

Offyoupoplove · 29/08/2023 23:08

I get your perspective but I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable. Many emotional/actual affairs probably start with one person having a tough time and the other comforting them. I think your DH is behaving like 90% of spouses would in this situation and you should respect his feelings and ask your friend to take someone else.

southernlife55 · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm quite surprised at how many people think this is ok. I would feel left out and a bit jealous if my DP went for a fancy meal with someone else.

ErosandAgape · 29/08/2023 23:10

BaileySurfer · 29/08/2023 20:16

I think it's sad that people would have a problem with this.

It’s tragic. On a site where so many people complain of loneliness, it’s insane that people write off half the human race as potential friends, and see something as innocuous as dinner or a film as ‘date territory’.

Mygosh · 29/08/2023 23:12

Why does it matter what the meal is worth? (apart from not using the vouchers). If you were going to McDonald's together, what would your partner say? The value of the meal shouldn't be the deciding factor. What should be, is that your partner trusts you and you want to support a good friend.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/08/2023 23:14

southernlife55 · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm quite surprised at how many people think this is ok. I would feel left out and a bit jealous if my DP went for a fancy meal with someone else.

Even if it were something you actively did not want to do (like OP's DH not liking set menus) but that your partner would love to do?

GCAcademic · 29/08/2023 23:16

If I were going to start an affair with someone, it wouldn’t be in a fancy restaurant. I’d be much more focused on the food than I would on any man.

Cowlover89 · 29/08/2023 23:19

I think its fine. Enjoy! X