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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 14/09/2023 18:01

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:45

I guess people are referring to what is called environment affecting us more than we think. Situationism it's called.
I understand those saying that if BOTH are in healthy relationships it doesn't matter but the friend clearly is NOT and they're missing this bit.

Wonder how the dinner went.
Really love to know. It's been over a fortnight since this thread started.

I'm very much a naysayer. And yes what people think does matter. Imagine having people say that your dh was in a dimly lit restaurant with another woman.

I think if you live a metropolitan lifestyle whereby your life consists of socialising with a lot of people this may not occur to you to be an issue.

what people think does matter.
Not to me. I'm too old for that shit.
Imagine having people say that your dh was in a dimly lit restaurant with another woman.
I've just sat and imagined it for a couple of minutes. I did not start rending my clothes and tearing my hair, or contacting a divorce lawyer or a private investigator. I imagined myself replying, 'Yes, it was for a work thing they're doing' and the conversation going on, maybe about the work thing or maybe about something different.

I've lived in London for a long time, but I suspect that (sadly) I don't have a 'metropolitan lifestyle'; it sounds way more exciting and glamorous than my day-to-day.

ASCCM · 14/09/2023 18:02

Not read it all so apologies but would you be ok with your OH going if things were reversed?

MarkWithaC · 14/09/2023 18:04

MRSBoredsome · 10/09/2023 18:02

I stopped keeping in touch with all my male friends when I got married to my husband. I wouldn't go out for dinner alone with any men other than him. Your male friend should meet up with his family, male friends or single female friends but not married women.

If my husband's friends, children's friends or my neighbours saw me being with an unknown man in a restaurant in the evening, they might feel weird. They might spread rumours.

That's rather sad. Don't you miss your friends? Do they know why you dumped them?
Do your husband's friends, children's friends and your neighbours all have a bit of a dull life? I can't imagine having the time, headspace or energy (never mind inclination) to spread rumours. I am 48, after all, not a teenager.

Livelifelaughter · 14/09/2023 18:39

OP seems to have given up 2 weeks ago... can't blame her.

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 23/09/2023 00:17

Mission complete. Had an amazing meal, laughed with my friend, missed the first train home so even had an extra drink and despite all this we went our separate ways at the end of the night... dignity intact. DH is bed beside me having a snore cause he's really not fussed.

Plan for the future - stay happily married and discuss what both DH and I are happy with before making presumptions and come to a mutual agreement.

Also taking him to a fancy (more budget
friendly...lol) restaurant for his birthday in a couple of weeks and will keep the candle lit 😘

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 23/09/2023 00:41

So glad to hear that you had a lovely evening with your friend and that you managed to eat a meal without anyone making a move on each other 😂

PimpMyFridge · 23/09/2023 06:58

Fab update. 😁

TheAOEAztec · 23/09/2023 07:15

You had dinner and drinks and didn't uncontrollably shag?
😱Are you a super human or something? 😂

GCAcademic · 23/09/2023 07:46

TheAOEAztec · 23/09/2023 07:15

You had dinner and drinks and didn't uncontrollably shag?
😱Are you a super human or something? 😂

I think the OP needs to come back and give us a step-by-step guide explaining how she managed to not have post-posh-restaurant sex with a man as there are clearly posters on here who would really struggle to muster such self-control.

ErosandAgape · 23/09/2023 07:53

GCAcademic · 23/09/2023 07:46

I think the OP needs to come back and give us a step-by-step guide explaining how she managed to not have post-posh-restaurant sex with a man as there are clearly posters on here who would really struggle to muster such self-control.

Show quote history

Indeed. Perhaps she has omitted the fact they both wore chastity belts and full suits of armour throughout, and that every time the waiter came to the table he hissed ‘No sex…’

Otherwise, clearly impossible to muster so much self-control…

budgetingnovice1993 · 23/09/2023 08:14

Allywill · 29/08/2023 20:28

@Boogiewoogieanddance did you buy the voucher? Cos if you did it’s fair enough but I was assuming someone else bought it as a wedding present and they might not feel the same as you in that “rather it was used than go to waste”. They mighty prefer it was returned to them.

Agree. They separated couple should have returned the gifts

ErosandAgape · 23/09/2023 08:28

budgetingnovice1993 · 23/09/2023 08:14

Agree. They separated couple should have returned the gifts

Show quote history

The OP addressed that. The friend asked the giver if they would like the voucher back and they said no.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2023 09:02

Found the update just as I'm about to spend 7 hours with my single male friend as DH has the kids so I can get tipsy and have food in a restaurant with my friend. Good to know we don't have to shag on the prawn crackers 😆

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2023 09:04

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:51

For example, Londoners who work in the media where going out to restaurants with whomever is no big deal I can see them thinking what's the problem. I can imagine a busy hub bub of a brightly lit restaurant, I and others are imagining a dimly lit restaurant with roses etc.

If you can use your imagination to imagine what the people of London would imagine, then surely you can also imagine that yourself. "Oh I instantly imagine a dimly lit restaurant with roses but wait... I also imagine other restaurants, ones which are a busy hub bub of brightly lit platonicness! Perhaps the OP is saved!"

MasterBeth · 23/09/2023 09:19

It's a bit disingenuous to pretend that those people warning the OP off this meal were all suggesting that they would be having sex on the table or in the taxi home - and that news that they haven't disproves their concerns.

These people will never have their concerns disproved because they think ultimately we're all too weak or immoral to not "give into temptation." They think everyone is capable of an affair. Whereas I know everyone isn't, because I'm not.

ErosandAgape · 23/09/2023 09:22

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2023 09:02

Found the update just as I'm about to spend 7 hours with my single male friend as DH has the kids so I can get tipsy and have food in a restaurant with my friend. Good to know we don't have to shag on the prawn crackers 😆

Pack your chastity belt.

Only it makes going to the loo a real pain…

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2023 11:14

ErosandAgape · 23/09/2023 09:22

Pack your chastity belt.

Only it makes going to the loo a real pain…

Show quote history

Dammit, I'm on the train and I forgot it. Let's hope being plain and fat is enough to ward him off, I'm not sure him being too grumpy with not enough hair for me and loving my husband is enough after that first cider 😆

GCSister · 23/09/2023 11:50

Agree. They separated couple should have returned the gifts

This was literally addressed the same day the thread was created 🙄

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 23/09/2023 11:56

@SleepingStandingUp I've seen you mention prawn crackers and cider. The problem with mine was it was fine dining with wine paring in a dimly lit restaurant (so they say). I think if you stick with the Chinese and pints you should be safe. Finger crossed and stay strong xxx

OP posts:
Sanitas · 24/09/2023 07:54

OK so nothing happened this time. Great. You're still getting incremently closer and closer to this guy and maybe he lacks the cojones to make a move. Yet.

All conjecture you may say but...

what I can say with certainty is that
you're now acting as a de facto wife to him. Albeit a sex less one.

You really are. No doubt about it. On his part you're very much in emotional affair territory.
Bet you'll be invited to accompany family meals next.
Or be his plus one at a wedding.

He's getting increasingly dependent on you for sure.

I know, I've been in this position-a vulnerable male friend wanting to meet all the time. I mean every week.

He'd say why don't you stay with me if space is limited at your parents house when you you visit them (he lives near them) use this place as your base kind of thing.

Telling me really intimate stuff. 'Innocent' stuff like hugging etc, a hand hold.

In the end I had to create some distance between us.

Your dh may have just reached the conclusion that what will be will be and no point trying to stop it.

Honestly, it's really naive to think that because he didn't make a pass at the meal that's proof he's not interested.

Thank you for the update, though.

Sanitas · 24/09/2023 08:04

Out of interest, if he invited you to accompany him to a family meal or be his plus one at a wedding would you go?

Or just imagine he lived near your parents and space was limited at their place and you could stay at his for a couple of days, as your base would you? Yeah yeah this is just hypothetical situation I know.

I'm curious as to what non-sexual activity you'd draw the line at.

GCSister · 24/09/2023 10:13

@Sanitas why are you determined to make this into something it's not?

It's like you're disappointed to have been proved wrong.

GCSister · 24/09/2023 10:14

what I can say with certainty is that
you're now acting as a de facto wife to him. Albeit a sex less one.

They went for a meal 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sartre · 24/09/2023 10:18

I wouldn’t be happy about it personally so can understand your DH’s perspective. I think it might be different if the friend was still married although still weird but the fact he’s recently separated and you’re going to a fancy restaurant together does make it feel like a date rather than casual meet up.

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 24/09/2023 11:41

@Sanitas I'm not even going to entertain your hypothetical scenarios. Yours have been my favourite replies to read though as the detail you have been able to go into about how the dinner was set up, the whole dynamic of our friendship etc from one post is quite something. I wish you well and I hope you manage to wade through the masses of men throwing themselves at you and find happiness if you haven't already.

Thanks for the replies from everyone.. it encouraged a balanced conversation and conclusions between myself and DH and i think we will survive a while longer.

OP posts: