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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
Besttobe8001 · 29/08/2023 23:22

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2023 21:27

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

From the OP's post.

This is where her DH has an issue. He has no problem with the friendship or the support. As a PP said, a meal round her house would be fine too.

All the posters suggesting there's not something different about an expensive intimate dinner, in the context of a recent & presumably painful separation are consciously missing the point.

It's a type of interaction and context that doesn't equate with just friendship. Saying that doesn't have to mean that either party is desperate to shag! It's just an odd scenario, in the context.

I've spent years single and going to expensive restaurants alone with friends male or female, my mother, and on one occasion my elderly uncle. How daft to think that expensive dinners for two are just for people in relationships.

mrlistersgelfbride · 29/08/2023 23:23

It would be a shame if you can't go. It's a good friend, a nice restaurant and sounds like a one off. Can your husband meeting you both for drinks afterwards so he feels involved?

I go for lunch with a male friend sometimes. Absolutely nothing between us and never has been- he's like another brother.
The calibre or the restaurant would not make a dinner to the fact it's still just a dinner with a friend.

Canisaysomething · 29/08/2023 23:24

Going for dinner with a friend when you are married is absolutely fine.

mrlistersgelfbride · 29/08/2023 23:24

Oh dear ...typos! *Difference not dinner!

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 23:27

@Mygosh this is what I don't really get. We go for breakfast in a cafe the odd time and then a walk in the park. We went for a McDonald's this afternoon.. He bought it lol I got breakfast last time

I had said yes to my friend and said we can just have a celebration of our birthdays so it was something positive rather than his failed marriage cause we both missed big celebrations over the pandemic😬

If it was somewhere DH would love to go as a couples night I would 100% have said no, me and DH have been saving that for us ask someone else but it's somewhere I genuinely want to go and would struggle to find someone due to the cost.

In relation to meeting DH for a drink, we are going away on a couples weekend this month with friends so will probably have used all our baby sitting credit lol. Me and friend will likely just get the train and and out of town. He also would probably prefer to have a nice brandy at home rather than a pity pint lol I'd rather take DH out for a proper night somewhere he would enjoy.

Yes emotional/physical affairs can start this way but I have enough trust in myself that that isn't going to happen, I adore my family too much to throw it away over some other person.

OP posts:
SareBear87 · 29/08/2023 23:38

I'd go. Life is too short not to have tasty food!
Even DH said in this scenario he'd encourage me to go.
Likewise I'd have zero issues with him going (if roles were reversed).

In my personal experience if someone is going cheat/have other intentions, it doesn't matter if it's in Costa or Claridges, the venue is irrelevant.
If it's truly platonic I see not reason not to go!

ChristmasCrumpet · 29/08/2023 23:49

Personally, it's a no from me. Not because you can't have a meal with a male friend, but this is quite specifically a wedding gift.

This is something very specifically gifted with the intention of treating two people in love, marking their marriage as a couple, to something really special.

I wouldn't go, directly in substitution of the "wife" because that's essentially what you're doing. I would find that really disrespectful to my marriage.

Again, I'd happily go out for a meal with a male friend, and DH wouldn't care. But in these specific circumstances, I think DH would feel a bit weird about it. And I get exactly why.

DiscoBeat · 30/08/2023 00:04

Why? Can't you control yourself for an hour or two?
Yes, I can. Stupid comment.

lemmein · 30/08/2023 00:50

I'm surprised he even wants to go when it was meant for him and his wife.

In his situation I probably would've gifted the vouchers to you and your DH.

Kudos to him I suppose. I think I would find it quite depressing having a meal with my platonic mate rather than my new wife - the food would have to be exceptionally good for me to consider it!

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 01:44

Allywill · 29/08/2023 20:20

How long ago were they married? If I’d bought a voucher for the bride and groom to go out for a fancy meal as a wedding present I’d be a bit pissed off if he took someone else to be honest (if I ever found out)

Wtf why? You don’t get to dictate what people do with your gifts, especially if they bride and groom split up!

I wouldn’t even think twice about going OP. Your husband is being weird and possessive. I’d be fine with my partner doing this as he would me. But then we don’t really go for weird heterosexual relationship politics (we’re both bi, if we thought like that neither of us would have friends of either sex)

Cardboardcup · 30/08/2023 01:46

I’d go! My husband wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I’ve been out with make friends alone. Me and a male friend even travelled to a birthday party of another mutual friend once and stayed in a hotel. Not the same room obviously. 🤷

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 01:49

Allywill · 29/08/2023 20:28

@Boogiewoogieanddance did you buy the voucher? Cos if you did it’s fair enough but I was assuming someone else bought it as a wedding present and they might not feel the same as you in that “rather it was used than go to waste”. They mighty prefer it was returned to them.

Well that’s tough titties for them then isn’t it because asking for gifts back is extremely weird

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/08/2023 02:17

I see it from both sides. Wonderful that you get to go somewhere you want to and support your friend. I also get that your husband sees an expensive dinner for two as something different to grabbing a coffee or breakfast.

I would be taking DH's opinion in to consideration though - something about dinner in an expensive restaurant seems more intimate. It's a really tricky one!

Why did the marriage end? You mentioned she walked out on him.

Riapia · 30/08/2023 06:26

Typical MN.
On another thread someone’s DH goes dog walking with a woman. obviously he’s after shagging her.
Completely different for a woman to be wined and dined by a man.
FFS.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 06:50

Yabu and you know it.
A romantic meal is in no way comparable to going to McD's or coffee.
What is more, your friend fancies you.
Yes he does.
No doubt. Why are women so naive about this?

Your dh being unhappy should be enough to stop you anyway.

Expressing unease is not controlling.

Such dumb replies from those saying yanbu!

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 06:50

BounceyB · 29/08/2023 19:47

I think it's a bit off. My ex-husband's best friend is a female and he would do anything for her but when we were together he would never have gone somewhere really nice without me.

Also, do you think it's something you want your DH to "get over". It could potentially cause a real rift in your relationship.

Shame really, why can't a guy and girl be friends; like proper friends who eat together and everything. It's not just you so I'm not judging at all, it's just so very sad and I'm glad my husband isn't like this because ALL my friends are guys and I go for drinks and food with them all alone and sometimes, we even holiday together. Crikey ey!

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 06:51

purplebluediscorain · 29/08/2023 19:55

No matter what I wouldn’t stand for this at all, meeting for a coffee maybe but a nice restaurant and I can’t believe your friend has disrespected your partner place and even asked you.

You poor partner

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 06:55

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 06:50

Yabu and you know it.
A romantic meal is in no way comparable to going to McD's or coffee.
What is more, your friend fancies you.
Yes he does.
No doubt. Why are women so naive about this?

Your dh being unhappy should be enough to stop you anyway.

Expressing unease is not controlling.

Such dumb replies from those saying yanbu!

Hahaha you win! Ugh this is pathetic

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 07:05

I kind of see your husbands' point here.

That's not to say you shouldn't go, but I do get why he feels a bit funny about it. It's not comparable to McDonald's or breakfast in a local cafe.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/08/2023 07:11

Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

I wouldn't be keen if I were DH. It just has a sense of "progression" about it I think. My best friend's brother is now married to the colleague he "saved from loneliness" after a divorce. Not reasonable to stop you but I think it's ok to tell you it feels and looks a bit datey.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:21

Cardboardcup · 30/08/2023 01:46

I’d go! My husband wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I’ve been out with make friends alone. Me and a male friend even travelled to a birthday party of another mutual friend once and stayed in a hotel. Not the same room obviously. 🤷

I once went abroad for an entire week alone to stay with a male friend, leaving my partner at home. Do I win?

Aprilx · 30/08/2023 07:27

He really ought to be returning wedding gifts to the sender if the marriage is that recent.

tackling · 30/08/2023 07:28

I agree with the people saying this situation has the potential to be so uncomfortable. I can't think why you'd potentially put a small rift into your marriage for the sake of one fancy meal.

ButterCrackers · 30/08/2023 07:31

I’d not go to the restaurant. Why not invite him for an evening drinks out with you and your dh.

PimpMyFridge · 30/08/2023 07:32

My single divorced neighbour took me to a Michelin starred restaurant for my birthday as a treat, my DH wasn't bothered at all. He knows there's nothing in it, I love my food and neighbour can well afford it, to him the cost would be like going to a Greggs, so it was no biggy.

That said maybe he thinks this guy could develop feelings for you, it's not impossible, I expect that's where his concern is coming from. I'd reassure but I wouldn't be expecting to have to turn it down cos I can't be trusted.