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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
seymour · 30/08/2023 20:01

I rarely post either but I’m so horrified by this. He is abusive and controlling and this is not acceptable in any circumstances. Because you are “used” to him you think it’s ok but I promise you it’s not. Please speak to Women’s Aid.

Carlou · 30/08/2023 20:14

what is he? Is he your jailer? Your work boss?

menopausalbloat · 30/08/2023 20:15

Does he not realise that abuse comes in many forms?
Or that what you do is also work?
Someone like this needs help from a professional but from what you've said, he doesn't even think what he's doing is absolutely wrong.

Bluetrews25 · 30/08/2023 20:18

He's done a proper number on you that you think it's reasonable to show him your account details!
Please don't do this, it will only give him another stick to beat you with somehow.
He's financially abusive
He's emotionally abusive
He's using coercive control, and this is illegal.
Oh please, please start to get yourself out of this. Please. This is upsetting to read. I can't imagine living it.

EvilElsa · 30/08/2023 20:23

This has made my skin crawl. What an awful man. Please PLEASE get out. I read so much of this on MN and it's heartbreaking that so many women put up with this shit. You deserve so much better.

Twinsmamma · 30/08/2023 20:24

I am a little shocked at what I’m reading to be honest, he’s emotionally abusive, so pig headed and selfish!! I’d still be shocked if this guy worked 100 hours a week hard graft but he doesn’t, he’s swanning around doing as he pleases while you’re looking after 3 children.
my only advice is to put your foot down if that’s even possible, I see childcare as 50/50 while the dad isn’t working, full stop. I get to go out in the evenings and so does he, I spend an entire Saturday out doing as I please if I need to, does DH like it, no, but I do it anyway (rarely) but I am selfish with my time If I want to be. What will he ACTUALLY do if you go against his wishes, and leave him to do bedtime / few hours in the afternoon. I do understand DH feel entitled L when they are the main breadwinner but there has to be balance and fairness with childcare. He sounds awful OP and you sound lovely and very level headed, you deserve better than this.

Nanaof1 · 30/08/2023 20:26

Jk987 · 29/08/2023 19:12

This IS a one off with notice though! And he's not working full time, he has time for 1 or 2 whole days of golf every week!

Show quote history

I wonder if these types of people, who think golf, drinking, lunches etc. are all work because it happens between 9-5, think the same when Bezos is sailing on his yacht with his gal pal M-F during working hours. I mean, maybe he will have to make a phone call......
Do they realize that OP's NVDH uses all of those outings as a write-off, just as Bezos, Musk, etc. do, just on a grander scale?

pavilion13 · 30/08/2023 20:27

I have a work set up that sounds very similar to your DH - work from home all the time, run my own business, hours are flexible (there's plenty of work to be done but I can move it around a bit). That said, I definitely don't go off and play golf for a whole day!

We don't have a formal structure, and I hope I don't come across as trying to show off, but this is more or less what things end up looking like during working hours. It doesn't seem unachievable for your family from what you describe:

  • Lunches we prep and eat together
  • DW goes to the gym twice a week during usual working hours, we work out the time together at the beginning of the week to be mutually convenient
  • I try to do at least 1 class with DD
  • I take DD for a couple of hours to see a friend in an afternoon, sometimes DW wants to come too anyway
  • Anything medical/health I take DD (obviously). There are some regular appointments so this does happen multiple times weekly.
  • Occasionally we do things together child-free for a treat and get childcare (family or paid)
  • If there is EVER an opportunity for DW to do something social and child free (like you described) we try our hardest to make it work with me looking after DD. As other friends/family usually work it's rare, so it's a real treat when it happens.
  • Any small tasks where it takes minimal time but is a help to have 2 pairs of hands, we try to share, e.g. unpacking shopping

I agree with previous posters that this sounds controlling and abusive. I hope you can rectify this one way or another.

Some misc thoughts:

  • Is his work of the nature where he needs to be 'on call'? i.e. He sometimes has to put everything down and fix something. If so, I can understand the necessity of being available 9-5. That doesn't, however, forgive his manner.
  • What would happen if you suggested a child free lunch out together midweek? Would the time magically become available?
  • If his business is so comfortable that he can afford to play golf one day a week, perhaps he can pay for childcare when you want to go out yourself on the seemingly very rare occasions that you have wanted to.
  • If the children 'play up' with him, then that's a good sign that he needs to spend more time with them. Of course your relationships with your children won't be the same, but how can he be satisfied with a relationship with them where he's not capable of looking after them for more than an hour? His other 'job' is being a father, and he's not prioritising that.
LittleMonstera · 30/08/2023 20:29

I'm on mat leave and on the mornings my partner is going into the office he starts late so I can have breakfast and shower, then every day he's wfh he takes the baby at lunch (if no meetings) and finishes around 3-4pm just to give me a break. He'll catch up on work on an evening if he needs to.

He'll also take baby while I go to the gym, shopping, dinner with friends, I even went away for the weekend. No ones perfect obviously but he really pulls his weight in our relationship. You don't have to stay with shit men.

ChristinaXYZ · 30/08/2023 20:39

Oh poor you. That's awful. And not normal. Not at all. I realise you have very small children but you need to start planning for a job so you can get some control back. You need to get some legal advice and you need to stand your ground. If he wants things to settle down he needs to say what he is going to change about his behaviour and you need to say if that is enough for you to stay.

JudyEdithPerry · 30/08/2023 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Richmondgal · 30/08/2023 20:45

Tell him to f himself and see a solicitor

ladyofshertonabbas · 30/08/2023 20:50

This makes for upsetting reading. You can’t be with this man.m, he is very abusive. Honestly, life as a single parent is hard but I bet it’s easier without him.

GoosieLucy · 30/08/2023 20:54

Abusive. He’s a first class arsehole. Sorry that you’re having to deal with that.

Danielle9891 · 30/08/2023 20:59

I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems like he doesn't want a partner, he just wants someone to have his kids and look after them and the house. I honestly couldn't live like that and wouldn't want my kids to think that it's normal as it's not anymore.

Also, what about putting the children in a nursery for a couple of afternoons or mornings a week? Tell him it's for their social skills.

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2023 21:02

I’m sorry OP. This is not what your life has to, or should, be.

Unless he bucks his ideas up significantly then you are likely to be better off without him

ElizaAgainn · 30/08/2023 21:03

Why are you "asking" him - rather than "telling" him. The wording is "I have arranged to do x/y/z - as I know you're not working then". Repeat however many times necessary until the message sinks into his head and, if you've repeated that phrase several times and it still hasnt sunk into his head then repeat one last time VERY firmly and leave the room and get on with making/keeping your arrangements.

OurButtonMoon · 30/08/2023 21:08

He is gaslighting you and you absolutely do not deserve it. Just to be clear you do not owe him anything, he may have a financially stable job which helps provide for you all, but you are a mother and what you have been through to provide him with a family and raise your family goes above and beyond any finances your husband may earn. You should not have to lose your identity at the expense of his coercive, controlling selfishness.
It sounds like he shuts you down at every turn and that can be such a lonely and heartbreaking place to be when your partner should be your teammate in life. If he can't change for you and your children, and be supporting and loving, then he doesn't deserve any of you... sending you a huge hug x

Epidote · 30/08/2023 21:10

He is and idiot and it is not you.

Dogeatdog · 30/08/2023 21:13

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2023 21:15

He's a fucking scumbag.

Conkersinautumn · 30/08/2023 21:15

Can you arrange for someone else (a babysitter?) so you can go to lunch and see your friend this week?

Then get to work on getting him out? Nobody should be talking to you so callously. I'd be way beyond the ick and fully into regular updates with a solicitor by now, should be easy enough whilst he's out at golf, is he drinking? Is he over the limit?
I'd get the clubs in the bloody divorce too, what a wanker thinking he's out working with his clubs, sell them to buy yourself a latte

Andthereyougo · 30/08/2023 21:15

Abusers always want you to be quiet. They always want you to pretend everis ok. That’s their pretence to the world.
It takes time to get out, it takes planning. I’d suggest you set up a separate bank account that cannot be traced, no paper evidence of it. Sell clothes on Vinted, sell outgrown kids stuff, save money wherever you can. Start using cash to pay for groceries etc… harder for him to see money disappearing here and there. Start building your personal savings up. This is your get out fund.
Look at jobs you could do when you’re free, just so you’ve got an idea of what you can do.
And make sure you log your husband’s behaviour with someone. This will be evidence in the future, should you need it. Speak to your GP, or a practice nurse, say you want it logged in your medical records.
Play the long game. You will get out.

olympicsrock · 30/08/2023 21:16

Look after yourself OP
YANBU We are all behind you here!

AfraidToRun · 30/08/2023 21:37

If your stomach drops when you hear their car pull up and the key in the door, listen to it. It is not normal.