Page 18 | DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

blahblah33 · 30/08/2023 18:55

Sorry but the first part of this post screams prison life to me. “I am having my one hour of free time in my room”.

Come on OP, you said yourself you’re not stupid, surely you can see what your husband is?

He is an abusive (maybe not physical but emotionally and mentally) man, who controls every aspect of your life. Won’t ALLOW you to get a job, go out without your kids, access the family finances. Serve him divorce papers and watch the rest of his abusiveness shine. I’d be getting my kids the hell away from this low life.

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:55

He has put holes in the wall previously.
My DP and I talk and argue about difficult things sometimes, like everyone does, but neither of us has ever put a hole in the wall. That's not OK.

horseyhorsey17 · 30/08/2023 18:56

He's a twat. You're not his unpaid childcare service, and he shouldn't be talking to you so disrespectfully.

DungballInADress · 30/08/2023 19:00

It's most definitely not you. As if you had to ask.

Raging sense of entitlement? Misogynistic undertones? Golf is work? Who are you married to, Donald Trump?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/08/2023 19:00

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2023 18:51

Some men really do mean they're traditional, they work, you stay home with the DC but you still have a roughly equal partnership, he's happy to provide and to know his DC always have their DM available to them. That's not what your DH means, he means the tradition where as a man he's head of the household and you're the little wife who looks after the house, the DC and does as she's told or gets a verbal smack when she gets above herself. He's outraged that you'd ask about money, that's his, he makes it, so it's only your business if you're going to pay half, but God Forbid he should do half of the housework/childcare/mental load.
He's very used to you doing as you're told Op and he's angry because you're not being his obediant wife, you're questioning his right to be in charge by expecting time for you without the DC. He's not a good man, he's entitled and selfish, be careful Op, he may react very badly to the new you.

Yeah, this. It's not "traditional" values, it's outdated nonsense.

I don't pay half our mortgage either but we jointly own the house and have access to joint money at all times. This is normal. Why aren't you on the house deeds? You're married, so he's onto a loser if he thinks he has somehow ringfenced that for himself.

Canthave2manycats · 30/08/2023 19:08

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

You need to stick to your resolve. He is never going to improve. Probably just get worse.

Look after yourself.

Raggammuffin · 30/08/2023 19:09

Nerve of him acting like he's your jailer. Sometimes i read threads and think men act like their wives' bosses but this is worse.

I would have a long think about what you're prepared to live with, what support you have outside of the marriage, could you get a job? Think it all through AS THOUGH it were for real. And when you have decided what's possible, tell him you're leaving/getting a job/getting a cleaner/taking weekends off.

Good luck

1mabon · 30/08/2023 19:14

Selfish b......d

Onesipmore · 30/08/2023 19:20

I also meant to add just because he's raised his voice for 10 years, that doesn't mean you have to accept it and nor does he make it ok

Yalta · 30/08/2023 19:24

You do realise with children and the level of financial abuse and coercive control you would be better off divorcing

You do realise the family home is a matrimonial asset so is the business, his golf clubs, and any savings pensions and investments he has
As you are a sahm with full childcare responsibilities you are really allowing him to work f/t at his job

I would be trying to get evidence of his pensions and investments and his business assets (HMRC web site should give you an idea of what his business owns) and would be going for divorce.

I would keep keep your bank account secret you never know what he could do with that knowledge.

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/08/2023 19:26

Leave the bastard, get a job, and live the life you and your children deserve. Your husband is abusive and pathetic.

Msmbc · 30/08/2023 19:26

Tell him you'll happily start paying half the mortgage if he pays you for childcare

FlipFlop1987 · 30/08/2023 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Horrific victim blaming, I bet when he assaults her you’ll say she was accepting of that too?

Fordian · 30/08/2023 19:28

🚩 🚩 🚩

Yesterday, with my eyes doing this 🙄 a bed piece of 'mandatory tray' came up at work (private healthcare clinic).

It was entirely aimed at Health Visitors, regarding DV and Abuse; but we had to churn through it in in order to get the tick. It bares no relevance to my professional role- however....

Well, I've cut to the end here, soz if you've been told this 100 times already, but this isn't okay. In the parlance of my mum, who would've been 90, he wants you 'barefoot and pregnant'.

He's controlling what you do, when; and who you see.

He has unilaterally decided when you might be 'allowed' out alone.

'Traditional' means 'him in charge'.

Fordian · 30/08/2023 19:29

Sorry, shouldn't proof read. I meant 'a new piece of mandatory training'

🙄😂

Louise1051 · 30/08/2023 19:29

Hey,

Rarely post but this is triggering for me. My dad, who is a decent enough guy as a father, had a temper and looking back I can see that he didn’t treat my mum with a lot of respect or affection - mum did absolutely everything.

it had a big impact on me and my sister - my sister is basically with a carbon copy of my dad and doesn’t see that she deserves better and me, well I’m hardened any time an ex boyfriend did anything that triggered a memory of my dad i ended things. Left me in my late thirties single, childless, unhappy and in therapy. I did eventually meet someone and settle down but it was a hard journey.

my point is this - your kids are learning about what a functioning relationship is from you and your husband … please set the best example you can xx

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:29

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

No problem.

Mon through Friday are work days for him.

Friday 6pm through to Sunday 9pm is free time for you.

BUT TAKE IT.

Don't ask. Just go. Sleep in the car of you have to. But go.

Two weekends and he will recallibrate entirely.

Winnipeggy · 30/08/2023 19:31

It's more the way he talks to you than the reluctance to look after them tbh. If my husband ever talked to me that way I'd be packing his bags immediately.

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 19:34

OP, pls contact Women's aid for support.

He is a highly abusive coercively controlling, violent excuse of a man.

Reach out for support.

This does not have to be your life.

You and your children deserve better.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/08/2023 19:38

This is shocking. I m married with 3 children aged 4-8years. I gave up work when I had DS1. This is how it works:
All of DH's salary goes into our joint bank account. I spend it as I see fit and he never questions that. It pays all the bills, it paid the mortgage (now paid off), clothes, holidays, pets bills, cars, entertainment- everything. He also uses it for anything he wants additionally.
I never ask if I can go out with friends. I tell him I am going so he can make sure he is back home from work or (if not) can arrange for MIL tolook after them. He would much rather do it himself. He would never tell me I couldn't go.
The house deeds are in both our names.
I have gradually started to work again part-time and I contribute my salary to the joint account. It just all goes in the pot.
DH does bath-time, bed-times, makes dinner at least 3 times a week, often more.
He has never spoken to me abusively.

You are being controlled and bullied and you should leave asap.

Alopeciabop · 30/08/2023 19:49

You want to be treated as an equal? He’s literally told you this isn’t going to happen. He’s never going to change. You can say it, scream it, shout it as bravely as you want but he’s still never going to treat you as an equal. He’s never going to change.

you can though.

Jeannie88 · 30/08/2023 19:51

Really selfish of him, he does his part time work and uses the rest of being paid for hobbies? Not fair on you at all, when do you get a break?!

AlexReventa · 30/08/2023 19:54

He’d be out the door at the “thick skull” with me . It’s coercive control. It’s a criminal offence. Get advice from Women’s Aid or some other organisation. He won’t have time to sit round drinking when he has to pay maintenance for you and all his kids. Absolute waste of space.

DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT · 30/08/2023 19:54

If I was you I would change the banking password. I would also open a bank account at a bank that neither of you have previously used and opt for non- paper so nothing gets posted to the house. All online only. You need to start a just incase fund and start saving in a secret account for a solicitor.
Have you got any friends that you can completely trust to help you?

Burrowingowl · 30/08/2023 19:57

Oh my goodness. I never post but I find this shocking. This is not ok, and you know it. I wish I could offer some practical advice but please please do take the advice of posters who have suggested contacting Women’s Aid.