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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Goatymum · 30/08/2023 21:37

I don’t say this often but he’s a complete c* nt.
His ‘work’ is golf - 🤔 wtf is that all about anyway.
im speechless

AfraidToRun · 30/08/2023 21:37

Also punching walls is abuse, it's intimating. I bet he doesn't punch walls in business meetings or walking around Asda...

Takeabreather23 · 30/08/2023 21:39

You are being abused and controlled . This isn’t going to get better .
You starting to question him now and wanting change he’s not liking . I’m sorry but it’s time to make your plan to leave .
He has plenty money so doesn’t sound like your life will change dramatically and if he wants to see the kids he will have to step up and you can have time being you. The changes will
be for the better for you and the kids they don’t need he scare tactics either .

Takeabreather23 · 30/08/2023 21:40

Oh and your entitled to half the house and half the savings .

Hallmark1234 · 30/08/2023 21:52

I've read your posts OP and some of the replies and just wanted to add that I agree he's being controlling and abusive, but he's so arrogant he can't see it and thinks he's treating you fairly, by giving you some 'alone' time', but he's not treating you as an equal, rather that you 'are the little wife, whose job it is to keep house and obey him, the great provider and not question what he does with 'his' money.

The comment about getting into your thick skull would be a deal breaker for me, as it sums up in a few words exactly what he thinks about you; a complete lack of respect and reluctance to allow you to be an equal partner in your marriage

It's up to you how you plan to go forward from this, but do tread carefully, as when he realises you're standing up to him, he's likely to turn nasty. He may wonder what's prompted the change in you, so be sure he can't find your MN posts.

Sallyh87 · 30/08/2023 21:54

Sorry @rippedjeansniceshoes, sounds horrible. You deserve to be happy.

Hidinginplainsightnow · 30/08/2023 22:04

You are not being unreasonable, he’s a twat. You’re his partner, not his slave. Go out with your friend, have a great time.

ArabeIIaScott · 30/08/2023 22:05

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

Oh, OP.

You do understand, don't you, that this is abusive? You are beginning to see what's going on?

He is financially abusive.

He is threatening (punching walls is not normal; it's frightening. Nobody should be frightened by their partner).

He is manipulative.

He is abusive. Nobody says 'your thick skull' to someone they love.

You cannot talk to an abuser. You cannot reason with him. You cannot fix it or solve it or improve it.

Abusers tend to escalate, I'm afraid. I don't want to frighten you, but I hope you will call Women's Aid to discuss what's going on. They can offer advice and practical support. And please take care.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

SharonEllis · 30/08/2023 22:05

Really shocked by this. Get away from this awful, abusive, controlling man. I dread to think what your kids are picking up from his behaviour. This is not normal in this day & age.

greenbeansnspinach · 30/08/2023 22:29

Talk it through with your local domestic abuse service. They will help you look at your options and they won’t tell you what to do.
His behaviour towards you is controlling and abusive. Arm yourself with knowledge.

countdowntonap · 30/08/2023 22:39

Are you able to work, or do you choose not to?

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 30/08/2023 22:40

My ex husband was similar. I wasn’t allowed to work, wear certain clothes, my time socialising was when I was having meet ups with friends and their DC. I had to do all the housework, do everything with the kids and have his tea on the table at a certain time. I put up with it for 8 years until I plucked up the courage to leave the controlling arse. Best thing I have ever done. My life became my own, myself and my children were happier and I met an amazing man who I settled down with. There is a better life out there for you 💐

978q · 30/08/2023 23:04

"‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)"

Half of everything is yours, it is the law.

Pigwig10 · 30/08/2023 23:08

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out to your benefit. Keep us updated 💐

ImNotWorthy · 30/08/2023 23:21

Abusive men never think they are being abusive - they think they are right and that their view trumps all.

OTOH abused women on here sometimes wonder whether they are the abusive one. As far as I can tell, if you are asking yourself that question, the likelihood is that you are not the abuser in your relationship.

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 30/08/2023 23:49

I hope this is the start of you binning him off.

It's a waste of breath trying to explain to him that he's done wrong. The only useful thing he's told you is that he won't change and sees no reason to.

I've dated an abusive man before and if there's one piece of advice I could give myself, it would be to not bother wasting my time trying to explain how they hurt my feelings, or wade through the personal attacks to make my point, and to just give them up as a bad bet and leave immediately. It's frustrating, exhausting, and pointless trying to explain to someone why you deserve to be treated with respect. If they don't get that, you're a million times better off on your own.

And if you're thinking things like, he'll make things difficult or he'll cause problems with the children - that's even more reason to leave. It's impossible to live a peaceful happy life with a snake in your bed.

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

Siawouldwannabeya · 31/08/2023 01:25

I actually gasped at the ‘thick skull’ comment, that’s so unfair on you. Full of his own self-importance and doesn’t see how all consuming it is having 3 small children , his children too not just yours. You really should schedule in some regular ‘me time’ so he gets used to spending time with his children and you get a little bit of you back , it doesn’t matter what he classes as work activities you are a team! YANBU 💐

gherkeen · 31/08/2023 01:38

Punching walls and shouting is abuse.

Also, he earns what he earns partially because you do everything else! I'm sure the childcare etc you're saving him is worth far more than half the mortgage. 3 children can be at least £3000 a month. More in many areas! You take care of everything else too which allows him time for his business.

I'd leave him. But if you can't I'd look into going back to work. And make him.share the costs of childcare. And tell him how much he'll pay to help you go back to work.

During our marriage sometimes I paid more sometimes DH paid more, depending on our earnings and situation. We try to be equal.biy respect each other enough to help each other.

Your husband has the wrong attitude entirely. My heart goes out to.you. i know it can't be easy to make the right decision right now

Mustardseed86 · 31/08/2023 07:28

Please take steps to protect yourself financially. If he's self-employed he will almost certainly try to hide his income and assets in a divorce. Maybe smooth things over for now and then make sure you get copies of absolutely everything you can.

Here4thechocs · 31/08/2023 07:39

LimeCheesecake · 29/08/2023 17:32

Ok, so he works Monday - Friday unless he takes a day leave. But you also work Monday - Friday caring for your dcs and only get a day off if he takes leave for that. So as his leave has to cover you both, he needs to allocate you half time he takes off work. Or pay for childcare so you get time off.

but given how he spoke to you, I’d be looking for a job.

Definitely this. I’d be looking for a job , too cos he clearly doesn’t see you looking after the kids as a job in its own.
Some men have zero respect for SAHP.

Helpmeplease2023 · 31/08/2023 07:48

Nope. Throw the whole damn man away. He is an abuser and control freak. I’d bet a narcissist too. I’ve been there and I know it’s awful. Getting out of the situation was hard but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. For myself and my children.

Abouttimemum · 31/08/2023 08:12

I’m terrified for you OP. You need to protect yourself financially. His behaviour is absolutely awful and this is not going to end well.

Abouttimemum · 31/08/2023 08:12

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

I agree wholeheartedly

Goatymum · 31/08/2023 08:23

Agree, it is horrific. Poor OP - and PPs are correct in saying half of everything is yours. Get some legal advice though asap as well as speaking to a women’s charity if you can.
Your ‘free hour’ - do me a favour. He is keeping you imprisoned like convicts get their hour of exercise a day and he’ll hold that over you ‘well you get your free hour…’ Maybe you want that time at another point in the day?
i’ve always worked p/t since DCs were in school aand a bit of freelancing before that. Dh knew that he could only work the hours he did because I was at home, but he got made redundant and has had his own business for about 13 years now but as far as possible he’s flexible and has helped me/DCs (who are past school age now). That’s what a husband should be like. Plus we have a joint account and some separate savings etc but we both know what we have. I just want you to see what a normal situation is like with a husband who has his own business etc.