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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 30/08/2023 18:08

Womensaid.org.uk - OP you are in an abusive relationship. There is help available. You don’t have to do anything straight away, you can gather information, speak to organisations who can help or see a solicitor to get a general idea what you can do next.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Your friend who invited you to lunch, could you message and say you need to talk? Take your hour tomorrow to go for a walk, not upstairs and talk on the phone as you walk.

DGay · 30/08/2023 18:12

What do you mean, he want 'LET' you? You are not the hired help. You're a grown a$$ woman and you don't need his permission. He is an a$$hole!

Pessismistic · 30/08/2023 18:12

Feel for you op but you need to remind him your his wife not skivvy. tell him employees get 28 days holidays so maybe you should get a job to get your freedom you might love being a sahm but ur doing everything. let him do more with his kids he treats you like a doormat you might not be week but his being traditional by 60/70s times not now. It sounds like your a child he's giving you pocket money he is so controlling. Just by not letting you see the bank account and only allowing you an hour alone. Whoopy do. I would rather go out to work and earn money and make him do more at home as right now. You are far from an equal in his eyes he might aswell employ a nanny who would actually be entitled to more freedom than you. Please go and have your lunch with friend if he doesn't like it tell him your getting a job and 50% parenting then is on him. Good luck!

unsync · 30/08/2023 18:13

He's not traditional, he's abusive. You are being coerced and controlled. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get. They always escalate. Please think about leaving this man. There is support to enable you to do this. Your local Women's Aid can help you. If at any point you feel in danger, do not hesitate to ring 999 and ask for the Police. They can help you.

You and your children deserve a better, happier life.

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 30/08/2023 18:14

I would echo the suggestion to speak to women's aid, if onky for perspective at the moment.

Also: someone else suggested buying in childcare for weekday going out. Your DH doesn't want you to work but I would put money on him also refusing to 'let you' use paid childcare as an alternative to him looking after them? Doesn't seem like you get much free time or time to yourself compared to him.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 30/08/2023 18:14

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

^
This, with bells on.

Cocacolathanks · 30/08/2023 18:16

I wouldn’t even waste time on a husband like this, and I’m coming from a marriage that’s had many ups and downs. It’s purely abusive, disrespectful, unkind and depressing.

you deserve much better and so do your kids. X

ConnieTucker · 30/08/2023 18:18

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

Are you still staying in your bedroom for your hour off?

why wont you leave the house?

WedRine · 30/08/2023 18:19

Traditional is just an excuse to be misogynistic. Your children are learning this is how to treat wives, or what treatment to expect in their own relationships. He may not hit, but if that is your bar, you need to raise your standards. You won't change him, and I know (from bitter experience) that you think he loves you enough to change so not to lose you, but you are underestimating how much he loves himself above you and your children.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 30/08/2023 18:26

I would get a job.

axolotlfloof · 30/08/2023 18:27

How about going for a run or a walk every evening for an hour? You shouldn't feel trapped in your own home.
Does he track your phone?
Do you leave the house with your kids in the day and does he concern himself with where you are?
Your expectations of a life outside the home are totally reasonable.

3boysmom · 30/08/2023 18:27

If it's not already this is coercive and controlling behaviour. How long before you don't do or see anybody? I would get legal and domestic abuse advice and seriously think about leaving this man who thinks it's ok to speak to the mother of his children like that.

Onesipmore · 30/08/2023 18:28

Honestly this is just so awful. Your only free time is one hour in your bedroom. If one of your children was older and being controlled in this way by a DH would you be happy and think it was normal. People just don't do business om the gold course, that is so outdated, he must think you are a mug. As PP says why dont you leave the house when its your hour off? Why don't you leave for more than an hour and take more time. As for refusing you access to the family finances and demanding to see yours, this is ridiculous. Whats he got to hide? Of course he wants to brush it to one side!

artsperson · 30/08/2023 18:28

Find a good feminist solicitor and bust his balls! He's a creep.

evian76 · 30/08/2023 18:29

Golf is not ‘work’, ‘thick skull’ is verbal abuse. He will not change, it sounds as if you are in a very controlled relationship. I’d leave, as hard as that is you have a right to be free.

Rockschooldropout · 30/08/2023 18:30

You ARE being abused … coercive control us a form of abuse- my ex h did this with me ..

you aren’t even on the deeds for the house ? I’m assuming the mortgage is in his name only ?
Id be interested to see his response if you declared you were going back to work .. there might not be bars on your windows but you are a prisoner

pollykitty · 30/08/2023 18:34

Of course you’re not in the wrong. How can you possibly think this is normal or reasonable?? I despair at the things women do for men.

RavenhairedRachel · 30/08/2023 18:39

He's a narcissistic. Very very selfish . I would kick him out it will only get worse.

MummyJ36 · 30/08/2023 18:39

OP I don’t know if you have a daughter but would you what her to have a husband or partner who treated her like DH?

Or if you have a son would you think it he was a good husband or partner if her treated his wife this way?

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:40

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:32

I don't you should expect to go out while he's working. I think his golf and drinks are work if they're with clients - this was the worst part of my job when I had to entertain clients.

Obviously he should be more respectful in his language, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to have the children during his working day.

The OP said he had no golf planned for that day. Perhaps you didn't see that part.

Richtea1234 · 30/08/2023 18:44

I do sometimes wonder how girls are raised.
I have never “asked” a man for permission for anything and I make my own living. I simply state my plans. I, of course, compromise for joint activities.

I’d imagine long before now, you established the hierarchy that your DH is “above” you. Is that because you are a financially “kept” woman?

You will find the solution in establishing your self worth and downgrading the man in your life to fellow human on the same level as you with responsibilities for his dc.

Steam your best frock. Rearrange the night out. Pop the date in your joint diary and follow through.
good luck

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2023 18:48

You’d get alone time if he had the dc eow! He won’t let you have free time out of the house-controlling and you’re not allowed to see the ‘family’ bank account-financial abuse. He gives you ‘an allowance’? Financial abuse. Do you eve4 have to ask for more? You’re not on the deeds-if you’re married, that’s not a huge issue.

Will you be seeing a solicitor?

Canisaysomething · 30/08/2023 18:50

All this reads like you're a modern day slave. It's pretty shocking. Get a divorce.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2023 18:51

Some men really do mean they're traditional, they work, you stay home with the DC but you still have a roughly equal partnership, he's happy to provide and to know his DC always have their DM available to them. That's not what your DH means, he means the tradition where as a man he's head of the household and you're the little wife who looks after the house, the DC and does as she's told or gets a verbal smack when she gets above herself. He's outraged that you'd ask about money, that's his, he makes it, so it's only your business if you're going to pay half, but God Forbid he should do half of the housework/childcare/mental load.
He's very used to you doing as you're told Op and he's angry because you're not being his obediant wife, you're questioning his right to be in charge by expecting time for you without the DC. He's not a good man, he's entitled and selfish, be careful Op, he may react very badly to the new you.

toxic44 · 30/08/2023 18:53

By what right does he speak to you so disrespectfully? Harder to do than it is to say, but leaving him would seem a sensible choice. Accepting his behaviour belittles you in his eyes and in your own. Head for the hills. Good luck.