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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school won’t let my teenage daughter pick up my son in an emergency

323 replies

Fuknstuck · 29/08/2023 16:33

I’m sick, running a fever, I’m dizzy and fluid is streaming out both ends. I am also disabled so this has a knock on effect on my mobility. It just came on 2 hours ago, there’s no way I can leave the toilet let alone drive one street safely.

I called after school care to request my 14 almost 15 year old daughter to pick up my 6 year old son and bring him home, one street away and they’re refusing because she’s a minor. I explained there is nobody able to help me - neighbours all at work, only one who isn’t is 93 and dying of cancer, my parents live 300 miles away and my partner is working in intensive care and can’t just up and leave. I dont have friends who use the after care.

They are refusing to allow my daughter to pick him up. They know her, they know she’s mature and responsible but won’t let her bring him the one street from school to our home. I’ve asked what I’m supposed to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever asked them to do this and they know it’s an emergency and they’re refusing. I’ve asked how we resolve this as they can’t keep him overnight and I literally cannot get to the school.

AIBU to expect in an emergency situation where the parent trusts the teenage child and accepts all liability, that they should allow her to pick him up?

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 29/08/2023 17:12

My 13 year old can pick up my 6 year old as long as I notify ahead of pick. Seems crazy they won’t accommodate a disabled parent, in this situation.

DorasAuntie · 29/08/2023 17:12

It doesn't seem uncommon to have an over 16 pick up rule - but I do wonder what they expect to happen in this situation if OP can't find an adult.

They clearly haven't thought this through.

And a 16 year old is not legally an adult anyway.

Ok OP- maybe tell them that no one is available, at all today, other than your DD, so they are going to have to find a solution.

Maybe they will have a brainwave like dropping your son off at home themselves.

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 17:13

It makes no sense to not allow a teenage sibling known to the ASC and who is authorised by the parent to pick the child up, but they will allow a random adult they've never seen before and that the child potentially does not know well/at all (if OP has to resort to asking a neighbour for example).

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 17:14

Could you ask if they'd allow a video call to the teenagers phone as an adjustment under disability regulations?

coverp · 29/08/2023 17:14

Your DH needs to leave work.

Or, you need to get in the car and drive the <1 minute down the road to pick him up, even if that means having an accident in the car.

I can't believe that so many people are suggesting that you tell the club to call SS. How upsetting and traumatic for your son would that be.

SlightlyJaded · 29/08/2023 17:15

Ridiculous

So they'd let a random collect but not family?

How is that 'safeguarding'?

Twats.

Yep. I'd tell them that you don't have anyone at all and ask what they'd like to suggest.

Gothambutnotahamster · 29/08/2023 17:15

Our DCs after school club were the same & very rigid about it. Can you call the school & explain & ask for their help? Or one of your DDs friends parents? Or one of your DSs friends parents? If you're in the West Midlands, id help you out.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 17:15

Drive and get them to bring the child out to you. What prats

Whinge · 29/08/2023 17:16

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 17:13

It makes no sense to not allow a teenage sibling known to the ASC and who is authorised by the parent to pick the child up, but they will allow a random adult they've never seen before and that the child potentially does not know well/at all (if OP has to resort to asking a neighbour for example).

Yes. I can't imagine how confusing and potentially upsetting that might be for a 6 year old. Not to mention it goes against everything we try and teach children about stranger danger. You have to go home with this random person who you might not know very well, just because we have a silly rule that means your sister can't collect you. Sad

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 17:16

This is ridiculous.
It would be different if they didn’t know your DD or didn’t have permission from you.

I think the only thing you can do is take a sick bag and hope for the best.

You could see if there is a school Facebook group and ask if anyone would be willing to bring your DS home with them but if assume most are all at work/driving and won’t see it.

SlightlyJaded · 29/08/2023 17:16

coverp · 29/08/2023 17:14

Your DH needs to leave work.

Or, you need to get in the car and drive the <1 minute down the road to pick him up, even if that means having an accident in the car.

I can't believe that so many people are suggesting that you tell the club to call SS. How upsetting and traumatic for your son would that be.

Noone has suggested anyone calls SS - just that if teh after-school club is going to be so un-moving, that is where this could be heading. SS was mentioned to point out how un-necessary this all was

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 29/08/2023 17:17

I would be fuming.

Small minded jobsworth somewhere there.

There's nothing you can do op. They will have to sort something.

And I say this as a former teacher who used to seethe at the parents who were repeatedly late picking their children up, which meant my 20 mins to get a cup of tea and mark 40 odd books before the staff meeting at 3.30pm was even shorter...

This is a one off situation and a sensible solution has been presented.

If they won't budge, what do they think will happen here? Are they really going to call an already overloaded social services to sort it out? How ridiculous that would be.

Blanca87 · 29/08/2023 17:17

A 16 year old can get married, join the army and vote in referendums in some parts of Britain.

Original poster
Fuknstuck · 29/08/2023 17:17

So I can’t just walk. I’m a blue badge holder who happens to have sickness, diarrhoea, a fever and dizziness. Even driving on a towel isn’t possible or safe for other road users. I’m genuinely really unwell.

They have refused to walk him round and when I couldn’t text my daughter to say don’t get him (her battery died) they turned her away and kept him in. These aren’t teachers they’ve all gone home.

They say they won’t keep him so I don’t know what they do when 6pm comes around if noones there.

My partner has managed to get away to pick up but will have to go back to work.

They claim they will not bend their policy for any reason. Making an adjustment for a sick disabled person is not reason enough.

I don’t have WhatsApp but will be getting it and seeing if I can join any class group if it exists after today.

I’m also going to look into a childminder too. I don’t want to pay these people money anymore.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 29/08/2023 17:17

That was for adores Auntie.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 29/08/2023 17:18

@SlightlyJaded

Not one person has suggested social services are called as a good idea.

Takoneko · 29/08/2023 17:18

caban · 29/08/2023 16:58

It will depend on their policy unfortunately.

I'm a childminder and my policy is I don't release under 8s to anyone under 16.

What time does the club close? They might decide to bring him home themselves at closing time and just charge you for the extra time.

That’s a perfectly reasonable stance to take in normal circumstances but in an emergency are you really saying that you’d make a police/social services referral rather than hand a child over to the teenage sibling sent to collect? You can’t force an adult to come and you have no legal right to detain a child unless you felt it was a serious issue of safety. I.e. You felt the parents decision to authorise a teenager was so unsafe that you had no option but to refuse for the child’s safety and contact social care. What other option would you have if a parent said no adult could come?

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 17:18

Does your DD have any friends who look/ are older?

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 17:18

coverp · 29/08/2023 17:14

Your DH needs to leave work.

Or, you need to get in the car and drive the <1 minute down the road to pick him up, even if that means having an accident in the car.

I can't believe that so many people are suggesting that you tell the club to call SS. How upsetting and traumatic for your son would that be.

It won't be any ore traumatic than any other type of leaving him there. They'll just tell the club not to be so bloody stupid.

Offyoupoplove · 29/08/2023 17:19

Fuknstuck · 29/08/2023 17:01

It’s a private after school company run in his school. It’s the manager of the after school I’m trying to get to understand my predicament.
All apologetic but still no.

Show quote history

Social services would definitely tell them to release to a sensible sibling. But maybe they need to jump through the hoop so it’s not on their own authority… argh modern living!

Would any nice parent who is also doing pick up at after school club just “pick up” and immediately give DC over to your DD. Do you have a WhatsApp group where you could ask? I’d happily do that for a stranger.

Zebedee55 · 29/08/2023 17:19

I would tell the school that as your DD cannot pick him him up, and you can't, that they will need to bring him home.

That will probably sort out their thinking.

WomblingTree86 · 29/08/2023 17:19

I'm not sure that they can legally keep your child if you send someone who is perfectly capable of collecting them. I think police and social services will not be impressed.

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 17:19

I hope your DP is able to leave work, let us know what happens.

EvilElsa · 29/08/2023 17:20

Poor you OP, sounds awful. Unless you can just steel yourself for a dash round with teen DD to help (horrific I can imagine) then it sounds like your partner will have to leave work. I'd happily help out a neighbour in such a situation; do you know anyone at all nearby? I hope you are on the mend soon and can get this resolved. We have teens picking up their siblings all the time in our village.

Original poster
Fuknstuck · 29/08/2023 17:20

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 17:14

Could you ask if they'd allow a video call to the teenagers phone as an adjustment under disability regulations?

Apparently my suggesting this could be indirect discrimination offended him. He did not see any of this as a reasonable adjustment because of their blanket policy for everyone.

My time in law school may yet come in handy but it means no after school club for my son if I decide to get arsey. I’m really stuck.

OP posts:
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