After school won’t let my teenage daughter pick up my son in an emergency

[Fuknstuck]

I’m sick, running a fever, I’m dizzy and fluid is streaming out both ends. I am also disabled so this has a knock on effect on my mobility. It just came on 2 hours ago, there’s no way I can leave the toilet let alone drive one street safely.

I called after school care to request my 14 almost 15 year old daughter to pick up my 6 year old son and bring him home, one street away and they’re refusing because she’s a minor. I explained there is nobody able to help me - neighbours all at work, only one who isn’t is 93 and dying of cancer, my parents live 300 miles away and my partner is working in intensive care and can’t just up and leave. I dont have friends who use the after care.

They are refusing to allow my daughter to pick him up. They know her, they know she’s mature and responsible but won’t let her bring him the one street from school to our home. I’ve asked what I’m supposed to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever asked them to do this and they know it’s an emergency and they’re refusing. I’ve asked how we resolve this as they can’t keep him overnight and I literally cannot get to the school.

AIBU to expect in an emergency situation where the parent trusts the teenage child and accepts all liability, that they should allow her to pick him up?

Contact Ofsted and make a formal complaint about this. It’s shocking that they couldn’t give your son to his older trusted sister when you are clearly poorly

I actually don’t think this is an overreaction. The more I think about it, the more I think their policy could result in children being put at additional risk of harm. If the policy results in parents who are in similar situations using class WhatsApp groups to contact adults they don’t know or trust or even paying random taxi/Uber drivers to be the adult collector then it could result in children being at increased risk of harm.

Good safeguarding is about balance of risk, not rigidly following policy. A child walking one street with a trusted older sibling is clearly less risky than putting them in an Uber with an unknown adult. Any childcare provider who was happy to do the latter but not the former should not be caring for children at all. How on earth would they justify themselves if a parent, against their own better judgement sent an adult they didn’t really know or trust to collect and then that adult seriously harmed the child because they decided to follow policy rather than properly assessing risk and doing the thing that put the child at least risk of harm?

I really think they need someone to tell them that this is not on, because such an inflexible policy could be putting children at increased risk.

Yes, my son was allowed to walk home on his own from Y5 and there were plenty of older siblings collecting their younger siblings as well.

A setting's own policy does not law make.

I agree. As I said above, it's a case of tick-box safeguarding, rather than using one's common sense.

I am a welfare officer for my running club and we are not told to simply tick boxes, so I very much doubt that after-school-care providers are!

It's always the case. Oh it's the law. No it clearly isn't because lots of us have experienced different protocols. And, of course, some people are actually lawyers or work in heavily regulated environments and actually know what the law says. As indeed the OP does.

I go by the law of on signing for something read the paperwork in full and follow it, if it states 'for another person to collect a child we need x, y, z' I go with that

I agree with a PP that it's a balance of risk and if God forbid anything did happen I could stand up in a court and explain with a clear conscious why I made that decision, I would be OK with that

Totally feel your pain!! Most people don't understand what no support network looks like.
I have this. Several times I've just had to stuck it up and go. Once I picked my kids up un severe pain waited at home for husband when he got home called an ambulance and was in hospital fighting for my life that night. It was shit I cried because I felt so alone.
In your case you have two options
Wait till the very last minute and set off pick them up slightly late but straight in and straight out.
Or if there's a class WhatsApp group send a message asking if anyone can help. Or if anyone can collect you could and hand them over to your teenager.
Then when you're feeling better talk to school and fight the policy.

The law overrides any contract though and I am pretty sure that parents have the final say in who picks up their children unless there are genuine concerns about their safety in which case the childcare provider would need to phone the police or social services rather than just hold the child hostage. Do you think the police or social services would agree that a sensible 14/15 year old walking a 6 year old down one street is a safety concern?.

If this happens again would it work to get your daughter to go in a taxi for him and the taxi driver go to the door to collect him ?

It was only a few hundred metres. And in what safeguarding world is sticking a teenage girl in a random taxi and trusting the (likely male) driver to collect a child safer than the teenager collecting the child direct? The setting need the riot act read to them, they are putting rigid and senseless protocol ahead of safety.

Well of course it's a stupid rule! But in an emergency you need to do what it takes to get it sorted with a minimum of stress?!

I think it would have been sorted in the end. The afterschool club would have had to take the child home or explained to police or social services why they were refusing to let the teenage sibling take them home even though it had been authorised by the parents.

That abiding of policies is what settings rely on.

It is policy though. Absolutely not law.

Thanks everyone who has sent messages of support and get well soon and to those who have sent rather rude messages for me about having no support network, thanks for the reminder. Makes me feel like a fantastic parent and human being.

I’d just like to clarify for those latecomers who didn’t RTFT my partner left work, brought him home and returned straight to work because they were severely
short staffed.

My partner called the after school manager the following day and he was most understanding and polite to him and offering to try to find a resolution, something the manager wasn’t willing to so with me at all. Maybe his wife has read this thread to him<waves> or maybe he just doesn’t like disabled women and will only deal reasonably with the men. Who knows. Still waiting to hear what their resolutions are.

I’m still going to write a complaint.

As for the no support network issue. Our emergency contacts were both away on holiday. My partners mum is never available to help although she is an emergency contact and my dad lives an hours away, is usually in the pub and doesn’t drive or have a mobile phone but he was visiting my sibling. They’re not ideal but they are all we have. My mum lives 300 miles away, one sibling in Germany the other London. The neighbours are all elderly or work FT, none have kids at school.

I didn’t get the opportunity to meet other parents due to me getting treatment when he was P1 so he was in breakfast club or after school meaning minimal
social contact for me. There’s no hanging around socialising, it’s people dropping off or picking up and rushing around.

It’s extremely privileged to have your support networks but the reality is not everyone does. It’s unfair to make them feel inadequate for this when it’s often outwith their control. When one parent works 13 hour shifts 4 days a week and the other is regularly in hospital for treatment which during a pandemic means limited social contact With loved ones let alone strangers, socialising is hard. I read so often here women called CF for relying on school mums for drop offs and pick ups even in emergencies. It’s not a situation I could
reciprocate until I know whether I’ll go into remission and recover because I have a lot of ‘emergency’ situations. Most I cope with, this is the first time I’ve had a problem.

oh and THERE IS NO LAW on this issue. Policy is not law

I feel for you, op, I have a similar issue when it comes to support networks. Dps parents are dead, his sister lives 3 hours away, my parents and siblings live an hour away, and my parents don't drive. I work full time, so does DH, kids go to breakfast club and after school club. We dont really have friends locally. I very rarely see other parents. In your scenario, I would have been seriously screwed. And I don't have illness or disability to contend with.

Good luck with your complaint, what they did was utterly crap.

I'm glad that they will "try to find" a resolution OP although very annoying that they were so understanding when your DH phoned but not when you did. I bet the resolution for the future will be that your 15 year old can pick up their sibling after all. Definitely complain as their lack of common sense and flexibility was outrageous.

Hmm very annoying that the manager was far more amenable with your partner!

And I am totally with you with support networks - I had to put down my mum who is 3 hours away and a random friend who I would never have actually called but I suppose if DH and I had been stuck on the same broken down train without a phone signal she would have helped (if she hadn't been on holiday at the time).

What a shit situation. When do we’re in school we would have been screwed too. My dads disabled, mum doesn’t drive, dp’s dad was disabled and mum never answered the phone. We lived in the mountains and several miles from school. Ended up having to ask my exdp’s mum if she could pick up ds one day, as we were so stuck. Didn’t go down well at all with e dp’s wife! Caused a huge argument.

Hope you get some resultaron, and all the best with your health issues. Hope you are on the mend.

Are you in USA? Only we don’t normally use “mom” in UK

Lots of people in the UK say Mom, especially those from the Midlands. I write Mum but I always say Mom.

They should wobble their heads. Age 14+ is fine

I've just found this thread, apologies if it's been answered but there's a lot of messages. Where we are, young carers are registered through the county council. There may be info on their website.