After school won’t let my teenage daughter pick up my son in an emergency

[Fuknstuck]

I’m sick, running a fever, I’m dizzy and fluid is streaming out both ends. I am also disabled so this has a knock on effect on my mobility. It just came on 2 hours ago, there’s no way I can leave the toilet let alone drive one street safely.

I called after school care to request my 14 almost 15 year old daughter to pick up my 6 year old son and bring him home, one street away and they’re refusing because she’s a minor. I explained there is nobody able to help me - neighbours all at work, only one who isn’t is 93 and dying of cancer, my parents live 300 miles away and my partner is working in intensive care and can’t just up and leave. I dont have friends who use the after care.

They are refusing to allow my daughter to pick him up. They know her, they know she’s mature and responsible but won’t let her bring him the one street from school to our home. I’ve asked what I’m supposed to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever asked them to do this and they know it’s an emergency and they’re refusing. I’ve asked how we resolve this as they can’t keep him overnight and I literally cannot get to the school.

AIBU to expect in an emergency situation where the parent trusts the teenage child and accepts all liability, that they should allow her to pick him up?

I think you do right in trying to find some alternative childcare, absolutely ridiculous that they wouldn't help out a sick disabled mother in a situation like this.

Not true, there's no legislation that states whether or not siblings can collect

He’ll have refused to answer it because the policy for uncollected children will be to contact the duty desk at social services - who would have told him to let the child go with the sibling.

They may or may not have called you first.

The fact that they couldn't drop him off at yours, which is very close seems a bit outrageous. It's a one off for a sick disabled mum. Not breaking safeguarding rules, he was just being difficult. I'm angry on your behalf. Would have taken 5 minutes.

I'm glad he's home safe, sorry you had to go through this and hope you are feeling a bit better.
I just think this is an awful way to treat you, especially when you are feeling so ill. What a jobsworth!
If its on the school premises, I'd put in a hefty complaint to the school and surely the club has to be vetted by the council or someone, to them too since their precious "policies" are not working or able to cope in a difficult situation.
And your little boy was upset too. They need to apologise,

He’ll be in for a shock if he ever does call SS expecting his policy to stand up…

That said, very few parents let it get to that point and that’s what they rely on.

Exactly this.

There’s clearly lots of schools and providers getting away with this nonsense simply because no parent has ever been brave enough to call their bluff. If a parent stood their ground they would have backed themselves into a ridiculous corner where their only choice was to call police or social services who would tell them they have no right to withhold the child and tell them to hand over to the sibling.

Thanks all. You all have saved my sanity a little.

The school have nothing to do with the after school care, they just rent out the building (or the LA do). They won’t get involved in the operational practices.

I have to say how much I love Imodium
and ondansetron right now. Couldn’t have got through this without their help (no affiliations)

They should certainly be able to register younger (I am not sure when a lot of the clubs kicked in though, as we didn't really use them). Although I registered my DC quite a long time ago (when DS2 was 12 - so 8 years ago now) - I think I phoned my local Borough (we are in London, so local authority) and somehow they put me through to the right person (or I might have filled in something online, but I would try asking your Local Authority). It didn't happen immediately, they had to send somebody out to "assess", and they asked lots of questions about what the DC did.

But while I was registering DS2 (whom I figuredmight well need it in the future, it was recommended to me), I registered DD as well (she would have been 9 going on 10!) since it was two for the price of one. And there was no problem registering her either - despite the fact that, while DS2 I did rely on periodically (if your hands are full with hoisting or fitting child, you sometimes simply need a second pair of hands, and DS2 had been my little helper since he was going on the buggy board when he was 1, because DS1 was never going to walk), I didn't think I relied on her at all.

I had initially (when it was suggested to me), thought oh no, Young Carers are for DC whose parents have disabilities, not siblings - but when the lady came and we started filling in the forms, even though I had really tried to shield my DC from the caring aspects (although DS2 always liked to help and be helpful and would volunteer), I was surprised about how much came out. I mean things like asking them to bring nappies and syringes and alerting me to the fact he was having an epileptic fit, or the pump was beeping, or whatever.

Do they actually know what your daughter looks like? As if not I'd be tempted to tell them the 18 year old neighbour is coming to get him (and get her to put some make up on). Most 15 year old girls easily pass for 18 when dolled up to go out.

Ridiculous policy when you have no alternative.

My daughter looks much older than her age sadly. She went to their after school club when she was in primary so they know her quite well. The usual woman who is on maternity leave has known her since nursery. She would have been kind enough to help find a solution. This guy /manager was just flexing his muscle.

No way they would have done that! They were counting on you worrying and getting someone else to collect him.

I mean, can you imagine? 'Hello officer, we have a child here that was due to be picked up by his responsible teen sister to walk a street away because the Mum is ill. We said no and also refused to take said child home. Please come and take this child and call SS.'

Would definitely be moving your child to somewhere else!

Sorry but this is ridiculous, my kids walked home together at 7&9! Plenty of my DD's friends collected younger siblings once at secondary school, that's why the secondary school ended 25 minutes before the primary!

Seems the world has gone mad - I'm a safeguarding officer but a 14 year old sibling is a safer option than random neighbours

Glad u got sorted the guy sounded like a jobsworth c*!
No practical advice from me just sending support through the ether from one frazzled Mum to another x

Please do register your dd as a young carer, there's no minimum age and she will get support for her, I'm sure she deserves the little treats they give too

What I was trying to say was that while I would definitely look into getting your DD registered as a Young Carer - you might even be able to get your DS registered too - if he does things for you that a non disabled parent would not need. And, as mentioned, the most useful thing we found about it was that you could waive the "Registered Young Carer" at people when they were trying this sort of nonsense. Because suddenly they are not dealing with any old child, they are dealing with one with the label "Young Carer" and that makes all the difference, as their policies don't stretch to that. Silly I know.

How do I do this ? I’m in Scotland. Google only mentions a young carers grant but she’s too young for that

Google for your nearest carer’s centre and ask for her to be registered as a carer - even if they can’t do that they should be able to at least assist.

My 16 year old can pick up from primary but not nursery, there she needs to be 18. It's so confusing how different policies can be.

Glad he's home Op - hope you feel better soon.

What happens if a 16 year old has a child who attends the nursery?

Just did a quick google, and a couple of things came up in Scotland.

https://www.youngcarers.org.uk/ - this seems to be of relevance if you are in Edinburgh (they seem to cater for 5-18, so would cover your DD), and they should know how you get her registered and maybe even your DS.

This sounded like it might be of relevance to your DD - as it is for 11-18, again they should be able to tell you how she would get approved:
https://young.scot/get-informed/young-carers-package/

This seems to have some relevant information - and does seems to suggest that local councils have people who do assessments - https://careinfoscotland.scot/topics/where-to-start/ Certainly in England that was the first port of call, local authority, I don't know about Scotland.

Your local council will have a scheme.

also look at the Carers Trust. Young Scot also have a carers package that she should apply for - extra discounts and bits and pieces

@InOffice he's a nurse. You can't just leave. Especially if he works in ITU. Though my ward manager would be extremely supportive, they can't just magic staff up to cover him.

"It's unfortunate but there is no rule bending when it's safeguarding."

But not all settings have this rule so it's clearly not a legal requirement. My kids, thank god, go to a sane primary school and AS club that allows older siblings to collect younger kids. I'd have been stuffed if they hadn't!

I feel for you OP. Bloody jobsworths with no sense or nuance.