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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school won’t let my teenage daughter pick up my son in an emergency

323 replies

Fuknstuck · 29/08/2023 16:33

I’m sick, running a fever, I’m dizzy and fluid is streaming out both ends. I am also disabled so this has a knock on effect on my mobility. It just came on 2 hours ago, there’s no way I can leave the toilet let alone drive one street safely.

I called after school care to request my 14 almost 15 year old daughter to pick up my 6 year old son and bring him home, one street away and they’re refusing because she’s a minor. I explained there is nobody able to help me - neighbours all at work, only one who isn’t is 93 and dying of cancer, my parents live 300 miles away and my partner is working in intensive care and can’t just up and leave. I dont have friends who use the after care.

They are refusing to allow my daughter to pick him up. They know her, they know she’s mature and responsible but won’t let her bring him the one street from school to our home. I’ve asked what I’m supposed to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever asked them to do this and they know it’s an emergency and they’re refusing. I’ve asked how we resolve this as they can’t keep him overnight and I literally cannot get to the school.

AIBU to expect in an emergency situation where the parent trusts the teenage child and accepts all liability, that they should allow her to pick him up?

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 30/08/2023 13:48

If I was in your situation I'd message the PTA rep, who'd get a message to every single class in school asking if any parent could drop the kid home.

Lol that's not the PTA's responsibility. Definitely not something our PTA would do!

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 14:05

FOJN · 29/08/2023 18:46

Absolutely this. OP is too unwell to collect her son and all that should have been required is a phone call to her partner whose response should have been, "don't worry, take care of yourself, I'll sort it out". The little boy has two parents and most businesses have an emergency or carers leave policy, her partner need to use it.

Show quote history

And if it's your loved one who now has no ICU nurse because they just walked out to do school pick up? Or your relative who's had their urgent operation cancelled cos the surgeon or anaesthesist just walked out?

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 15:33

Sadly, being a parent sometimes comes with conflicted responsibilities. No one gets a pass in life because of job title or responsibilities. The delayed parent can often just pay the overtime charge.

This just underscores the need for an in place Plan B. Parents who jobs limit their ability to leave immediately, know this well in advance and should make alternate plans well in advance. Some situations are foreseeable and should be planned for as much as possible.

Given that a day has passed, and the OP has not posted that her child is in state custody, we can only assume that some solution was found.

FOJN · 30/08/2023 15:47

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 14:05

And if it's your loved one who now has no ICU nurse because they just walked out to do school pick up? Or your relative who's had their urgent operation cancelled cos the surgeon or anaesthesist just walked out?

Show quote history

I use to be an ICU nurse with many colleagues who were parents so I do know how this works.

How do you think an ICU copes if someone calls in sick? What if the surgeon had an accident and was admitted to hospital?

What if the child that needed picking up became seriously ill or was injured? Would you expect the parent to remain on shift? I wouldn't.

This was not a member of staff just walking out, it was an unusual emergency situation and there are policies in place to deal with those eventualities.

Asi said in an earlier post, ICU staff know only too well how unpredictable life can be.

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 15:48

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 13:39

@WomblingTree86
If there are so many nurseries in you area where this not internal regulation or policy then the OP should have no trouble find an institution consistent with her view of security..

It's not a nursery. It's an afterschool club run by a private company attached to the school. You can't just choose one attached to a different school 🙄

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 15:53

FOJN · 30/08/2023 15:47

I use to be an ICU nurse with many colleagues who were parents so I do know how this works.

How do you think an ICU copes if someone calls in sick? What if the surgeon had an accident and was admitted to hospital?

What if the child that needed picking up became seriously ill or was injured? Would you expect the parent to remain on shift? I wouldn't.

This was not a member of staff just walking out, it was an unusual emergency situation and there are policies in place to deal with those eventualities.

Asi said in an earlier post, ICU staff know only too well how unpredictable life can be.

Show quote history

Obviously surgeons etc occasionally have to leave because of an emergency situation but patient(s) will often suffer as a result especially at the moment with the NHS understaffed. And the point is that it shouldn't have been an emergency. The afterschool club made it one by rigidly following a policy that they had chosen to make without using their common sense.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/08/2023 16:31

supersonicginandtonic · 29/08/2023 19:42

My 16 year old can pick up from primary but not nursery, there she needs to be 18. It's so confusing how different policies can be.

To be fair I can understand the age limit more for a nursery aged child (notwithstanding the fact that the parent might be 17!)

But a primary school aged child is perfectly capable of walking home nicely with their secondary aged sibling.

In Germany 6 year olds take themselves to school - I bet any German MNers must be finding this thread hilarious.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/08/2023 16:35

What it demonstrates is the importance of having a plan B in place. Obviously, you cannot anticipate every possible occurrence, but what you know with certainty is that when something happens without a plan B in place, you are at the mercy of whatever system has control

Life isn't neat and tidy and not everyone is able to have a plan B. I know MN thinks everyone should have the next 18 years of their child's life mapped out but in the real world, that is not possible.

You can't just phone a random parent (assuming you even have their contact details - it's not a given that there is a class whatsapp group or similar, the only way I collected details was via party invitations) and ask them to collect your child for you. And in what world is that safer than releasing the child to their own sibling on the parent's instructions anyway?

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 16:48

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/08/2023 16:35

What it demonstrates is the importance of having a plan B in place. Obviously, you cannot anticipate every possible occurrence, but what you know with certainty is that when something happens without a plan B in place, you are at the mercy of whatever system has control

Life isn't neat and tidy and not everyone is able to have a plan B. I know MN thinks everyone should have the next 18 years of their child's life mapped out but in the real world, that is not possible.

You can't just phone a random parent (assuming you even have their contact details - it's not a given that there is a class whatsapp group or similar, the only way I collected details was via party invitations) and ask them to collect your child for you. And in what world is that safer than releasing the child to their own sibling on the parent's instructions anyway?

I agree and Plan B can easily fail too as well as plan C and plan D. There was a complete lack of empathy and common sense from the manager (who let's face it probably made the rule) who could have helped because it was an emergency but refused to.

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 17:44

Once again given the time spent posting by the OP in the midst of this crisis, and the fact that she has not posted to say that her child is in state care or that some in hospital patient suffered because of this situation, it is safe to assume that the child was picked without any Plans B,C, or D in place.

KateKateLee · 30/08/2023 18:23

Our after school club routinely let my 12 year old collect his sister. I didn’t think they would but he asked and they were fine with it.

could one of the staff walk back with your two kids if it’s just one street over?

The after school club staff have dropped my kids home before when there has been a problem.

Scotslass171 · 30/08/2023 18:32

I'm sorry but all childcare settings require children to be picked up by someone 16 or over. This happened a few times when I worked in a nursery when the 14 yr old sibling of one of our babies picked up their sibling until one of the staff asked how old she was and she was told someone older would have to collect the child next time as when they are under 16 they are not insured. I'm sure your 14 yr old is mature and sensible but you'll have to make other arrangements. Most settings will have asked you to come up with a password etc so that whoever will be coming knows it and so does the nursery.

Ixoral · 30/08/2023 18:35

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 17:44

Once again given the time spent posting by the OP in the midst of this crisis, and the fact that she has not posted to say that her child is in state care or that some in hospital patient suffered because of this situation, it is safe to assume that the child was picked without any Plans B,C, or D in place.

OP did post update & child was collected & returned home

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 19:09

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 17:44

Once again given the time spent posting by the OP in the midst of this crisis, and the fact that she has not posted to say that her child is in state care or that some in hospital patient suffered because of this situation, it is safe to assume that the child was picked without any Plans B,C, or D in place.

There is no way a child would end up in state care because of this which you would know if you actually lived in the UK. It is clear you don’t. Also, OP did update yesterday but considering she has Covid and is considered very vulnerable it’s hardly surprising no further updates today.

Alison1987uk · 30/08/2023 19:09

Im a mum of 3 and I work in a nursery, I can totally get how for you it seems no big deal for your trustworthy teen to pick up but there are some rules that childcare settings cannot break I'm afraid. God forbid something happened on their way home, even though you are saying you accept liability their regulating body probably wouldn't accept that unfortunately.

If you could drive to school and send your teen in maybe they could let them pick up as you're in sight?
If I worked there I'd probably say on this one occasion since you live close by I'd just walk them home to you as a goodwill gesture but recommend you get something in place for the next time.

I hope everything works out ok

Visciousviscose · 30/08/2023 19:16

They would get their absolute arse kicked if something happened to either of them on the way home or before you arrived . I know it's not common sense but it is for health and safety /safeguarding and some under 16 aren't as mature in the head as yours. Unfortunately, you are going to have to get your partner to do it . When I read this post, I thought you were on your own with the kids. Between the two of you, you both can work something out and if he needs to ask his boss if he can get away, so be it. Women have to do this all the time when their kids get sick etc

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 19:19

Scotslass171 · 30/08/2023 18:32

I'm sorry but all childcare settings require children to be picked up by someone 16 or over. This happened a few times when I worked in a nursery when the 14 yr old sibling of one of our babies picked up their sibling until one of the staff asked how old she was and she was told someone older would have to collect the child next time as when they are under 16 they are not insured. I'm sure your 14 yr old is mature and sensible but you'll have to make other arrangements. Most settings will have asked you to come up with a password etc so that whoever will be coming knows it and so does the nursery.

A baby is different to a school aged child.

Talista · 30/08/2023 19:20

"I'm sorry but all childcare settings require children to be picked up by someone 16 or over."

I'm sorry but this is nonsense. My children's primary school and after-school club do not require this at all!

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 19:23

Visciousviscose · 30/08/2023 19:16

They would get their absolute arse kicked if something happened to either of them on the way home or before you arrived . I know it's not common sense but it is for health and safety /safeguarding and some under 16 aren't as mature in the head as yours. Unfortunately, you are going to have to get your partner to do it . When I read this post, I thought you were on your own with the kids. Between the two of you, you both can work something out and if he needs to ask his boss if he can get away, so be it. Women have to do this all the time when their kids get sick etc

They wouldn't get their "arse kicked" if they had taken proper precautions to make sure this was authorised by the parent. OP was at home so what do you mean by "before you arrived"? Read OP's posts properly.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 19:23

I'm sorry but all childcare settings require children to be picked up by someone 16 or over.

Why do people keep saying this when it's already been debunked? Confused

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 19:25

Alison1987uk · 30/08/2023 19:09

Im a mum of 3 and I work in a nursery, I can totally get how for you it seems no big deal for your trustworthy teen to pick up but there are some rules that childcare settings cannot break I'm afraid. God forbid something happened on their way home, even though you are saying you accept liability their regulating body probably wouldn't accept that unfortunately.

If you could drive to school and send your teen in maybe they could let them pick up as you're in sight?
If I worked there I'd probably say on this one occasion since you live close by I'd just walk them home to you as a goodwill gesture but recommend you get something in place for the next time.

I hope everything works out ok

This is a rule the an individual childcare setting has made themselves so of course they can “break it” in exceptional circumstances.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/08/2023 19:25

Visciousviscose · 30/08/2023 19:16

They would get their absolute arse kicked if something happened to either of them on the way home or before you arrived . I know it's not common sense but it is for health and safety /safeguarding and some under 16 aren't as mature in the head as yours. Unfortunately, you are going to have to get your partner to do it . When I read this post, I thought you were on your own with the kids. Between the two of you, you both can work something out and if he needs to ask his boss if he can get away, so be it. Women have to do this all the time when their kids get sick etc

They absolutely would not. All they need is the permission in writing (email is fine) from the Op and it’s her responsibility.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/08/2023 19:28

Alison1987uk · 30/08/2023 19:09

Im a mum of 3 and I work in a nursery, I can totally get how for you it seems no big deal for your trustworthy teen to pick up but there are some rules that childcare settings cannot break I'm afraid. God forbid something happened on their way home, even though you are saying you accept liability their regulating body probably wouldn't accept that unfortunately.

If you could drive to school and send your teen in maybe they could let them pick up as you're in sight?
If I worked there I'd probably say on this one occasion since you live close by I'd just walk them home to you as a goodwill gesture but recommend you get something in place for the next time.

I hope everything works out ok

I assume you’re not in charge of setting policy at your nursery because if you were you’d know that your regulating body absolutely would not have an issue with the setting releasing the child to someone authorised by the Op (or even on their own).

If there is a specific safeguarding concern then passing on the concern is the route to take. Not refusing and pretending it’s some sort of mythical law.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/08/2023 19:29

Scotslass171 · 30/08/2023 18:32

I'm sorry but all childcare settings require children to be picked up by someone 16 or over. This happened a few times when I worked in a nursery when the 14 yr old sibling of one of our babies picked up their sibling until one of the staff asked how old she was and she was told someone older would have to collect the child next time as when they are under 16 they are not insured. I'm sure your 14 yr old is mature and sensible but you'll have to make other arrangements. Most settings will have asked you to come up with a password etc so that whoever will be coming knows it and so does the nursery.

All childcare settings… apart from the numerous ones detailed on the thread…

WomblingTree86 · 30/08/2023 19:55

Just checked my children's previous primary school and they say siblings over 14 can collect (with written permission from parent) although they reserve the right to refuse if they have any concerns about their suitability.