If you found a torn up piece of paper with writing on in your DC bin, would you tape it back together to read it?

[AnxiousAnniee]

In this scenario what would you do:

DD is 10 years old, has their own room. Upon cleaning the room you go to empty the bin and find lots of tiny pieces of paper. It looks like an A4 piece of paper has been written on and then torn up. Obviously not wanting anyone to ready it.

Would you tape the paper back together out of concern to read it? Or would you respect that your child obviously doesn't want you reading it so leave it?

Just for context here, it's not my DC, but a family members. They taped the paper back together but I'm not sure if I agree they should've done that. Just wondered if they were being unreasonable or if most parents would do this?

It's not a drip feed though, I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to know the answer to one simple question which was would you tape up a torn letter from your DC to read it? I purposefully didn't write a huge post containing all the details because I just wanted to simply know the answer to that one question.

If the answer to that question is "it depends on the context" then that's fine. There's my answer. I was just wondering if it's a normal thing to do. No need for me to spill all the ins and outs.

Of course I'm going to go and get her if she's asking me to! If you'd receive a phone call from your 10 year old family member crying asking for you to pick her up because her parents are arguing and you say no because it's strange then I think you're the odd one. This is EXACTLY the reason why I didn't include all of this in the post. Because people then fixate on things that I'm not asking. I'm not asking you whether I should pick her up, or what the letter said etc etc. I just very simply wanted to know how many people would read their torn up DCs letter. That's it.

It depends if they were concerned for her welfare. My dd has anorexia had I not looked at her notes and phone I wouldn’t have known how long it had been going on and how serious it had become. I had suspicions , they are probably concerned something is going on. Ed’s a very secret illness and very dangerous. And you are not her parent, parents know when there’s something not right so if they are doing this out of worry then you shouldn’t be judging.

Yes it totally depends on the context. HTH.

I remember when my mum confronted me about notes I'd written, balled up and binned very clearly (and went on about at a family meal with aunt and grandparents) there's still a bit of me that is angry about it. If you've got concerns you might check for glimpses of troubling words but mainly you're going to need to talk with your child and not other family.members, that's deliberately shaming and embarrassing them for some sort of amusing or control.

I would if I caught sight of certain words or names on the paper.

Of course I'm going to go and get her if she's asking me to! If you'd receive a phone call from your 10 year old family member crying asking for you to pick her up because her parents are arguing and you say no because it's strange then I think you're the odd one.

I think it worrying if this is a regular occurrence and suggests there are issues - possibly more than you are aware - possibly not but if you regularly have to remove child from their own home and parents that is not a good situation and everything is not fine with that child or the child's relationship with said parents.

No, unless I had an extremely good reason to be very worried about my child's well being.

All the diaries I have kept till I moved out of my parents' house are still at home. They aren't locked up or anything but my parents never read them. I'm pretty sure of that as if they had there are quite a few things that I'm sure they would ask me about...

Unless I already had serious concerns for my child's well-being then no, I wouldn't.

Obviously if there are major concerns already present then most parents would be on the look out so probably would, if they thought it could shed light in the situation and help their child in the long run.

We had this rule.
When dd was younger and got a phone it was one of the conditions of being allowed a phone and certain apps.
We always reserved the right to have access to the phone and it's contents (including passwords) and to remove the phone if we felt there was a concern/issue where it's removal would be considered appropriate.
It was also not allowed in bedrooms at night time - had to be left downstairs charging overnight.

As it happens I have no real desire to read a ton of pre-teen messages to friends. And we had no big concerns and issues with dd and her phones, or her friendships - so we didn't actually do so.

I agree that children have a right to some privacy and personal space, but this can never be total privacy as part of a parent's role is to,safeguard their children.

😥

This.

Really depends if i was worried about the child over something.

I just wanted to know the answer to one simple question which was would you tape up a torn letter from your DC to read it?

OP, you are being very obtuse here. As several people have said, the context is the crucial thing. In some situations, it would be the right thing to do. In other situations, it wouldn't. It isn't 'one simple question', and there is no blanket answer.

I can't believe you can't see this.

Of course not! What a terrible invasion of privacy that would be :( my DM is genuinely one of the best people there is but she hates waste. Each week when I was a child she would go through the bins to rescue any scrap paper she could find. My embarrassment when private personal writings ended up on the backs of shopping lists, notes given to people, telephone messages etc still make me twitch now!

I just wanted to know the answer to one simple question which was would you tape up a torn letter from your DC to read it? I purposefully didn't write a huge post containing all the details because I just wanted to simply know the answer to that one question.

But the answer will always depend on the context - it's not like you're asking a simple "Is 2+2 always 4?", you're asking a question where the answer will 100% change depending on the context of the question.

My mum used to do things like this.

I left home the first chance I could and 40 years on we are not close. Having your privacy violated damages relationships irreparably.

However - if I had concerns that a child of mine had some kind of terrible secret distress I would like to hope that I made sure they knew that they could bring problems to me without judgement.

You sound lovely & just what your family member needs. I used to have an aunt who would do similar for me & just listen to me when I wasn’t heard. Over 40 years later & I adore her just as much and am very grateful for the time she spent with me.

But to answer your AIBU, yes, it is a horrible breach of her privacy but hopefully it will make them reflect on the impact of their behaviour & how they need to make positive changes.

Absolutely no.
My own DM used to read personal things of mine and look through my drawers.
She read letters a boyfriend of the time sent when he was working away.
She found out I had an infection due to reading medical notes when I was admitted to hospital.
She knew I had counselling due to reading letters.
And so on....

Have you explained to her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about? She was honest about her feelings and that is a good thing. All feelings are valid including negative ones. I hope you tell her that she is clearly a very good writer, because her writing had the power to explain when she didn't feel able to talk, and it made her parents make a promise to try harder.

That said, no child should have to hear these arguments. Maybe she could live with you a while until they sort themselves out? Perhaps you could help her write a letter to her parents next time they argue.

Given your updates, if I was the parent in this situation I still wouldn't have taped that paper back together - I'd be much more discreet about the conflict in my marriage and not arguing in front of my child. The paper doesn't contain anything they don't already know - they are fully aware the arguments are distressing their daughter but both are just being too selfish to fix it!
They need to start putting her first and either resolve their issues peacefully or call it a day!

No unless maybe I already had big concerns.

NRTFT but this. I have huge concerns about my DS. He is a twin. His twin sister is confident in every way possible, academically very successful and very much the dominant twin. My little boy in contrast is extremely under confident in every way possible. He is actually very clever but he feels he’s not as clever as her (in the same class, one form entry, not a very supportive primary school despite my best efforts). She has a whole circle of lovely friends. He struggles to make friends, largely because he just wants to be best friends with his twin. I do everything I can to support him. He is only nine but he has said things that break my heart. I wouldn’t physically tape the paper back together but I’d try to read it to see if I could covertly help him/see if I need to worry more (I’m not sure I could worry more to be honest). It’s not necessarily from a bad place.

Same here.
I had this happen, and vowed never, ever to do the same thing to DS {and never did} He's an adult now, but no way would I ever snoop at any child's writings.

Please don't, @AnxiousAnniee .

Maybe that was all that was in it 🤷‍♀️

That's awful!!! What she must have felt in that moment, poor thing.

i said no earlier, and i maintain my no.

My parents did it to me, i write poetry, i use it to work through my feelings about situations as part of my processing the emotions involved.

The words i use are very evocative, and the poems not always proportionate to what is going on.

I wrote one when i was 17, in the middle of my a levels about depression/suicide, and feeling like drowning, looking back it was VERY dramatic, but it helped me to write it and get those thoughts out. I ripped that one up and left it stuffed in the back of the folder i kept my poetry in
Mum decided to be nosy as she did like reading my poetry, and found it.

Next thing i know i'm being dragged into a meeting with my parents, my teacher and the pastoral/wellbeing teacher at college and being challenged over what i'd written. It was mortifying.