Page 5 | If you found a torn up piece of paper with writing on in your DC bin, would you tape it back together to read it?

AnxiousAnniee · 2023-08-29T10:23:02+00:00

In this scenario what would you do: DD is 10 years old, has their own room. Upon cleaning the room you go to empty the bin and find lots of tiny pieces of paper. It looks like an A4 piece of paper has been written on and then torn up. Obviously not wanting anyone to ready it. Would you tape the paper back together out of concern to read it? Or would you respect that your child obviously doesn't want you reading it so leave it? Just for context here, it's not my DC, but a family members. They taped the paper back together but I'm not sure if I agree they should've done that. Just wondered if they were being unreasonable or if most parents would do this?

MLMsuperfan · 29/08/2023 13:13

Children can't have full privacy from their parents, but the default should always be to respect their privacy. I never proactively go through phones etc.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 29/08/2023 13:13

I'm feeling horribly depressed for my younger self reading the extremes I went to! But writing things down was very cathartic but they could not be read by anyone in the house.

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 13:17

I never proactively go through phones etc.

We have always made it clear we reserve right to look through their phones - ones we pay for but we only have when there were serious concerns
(done once due to raised by school and proved groundless) and that child was aware and stood in front of us when we did so.

We wouldn't do that once past 16 either - though we still pay for said phones.

Original poster

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:21

To be honest the conversation did need to be had. It's been brought up by me many times to the parent but the daughter is too timid to bring it up with them herself. She tells me all about it and I have brought it to her mother. But actually seeing their daughters feelings written down hopefully hit home for them.

However, that's not what my post is about. It's about the fact that they didn't know what was on the paper, they had no prior concerns but taped it together and read it anyway! Maybe this is the right thing to do and I am happy to be wrong, as I say I'm not a parent so I really don't know what is the 'done thing' hence why I was asking for other peoples input

OP posts:

NotMadeOfStone · 29/08/2023 13:21

Is there context?

I would and have done similar because my child was self harming and saying very worrying things.

NotMadeOfStone · 29/08/2023 13:23

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 12:39

They have no reason to be concerned about her. She is well behaved, quiet, no issues that they know of, has friends, does well in school, eats well. In my original post I just meant general concern that you might have when you see a piece of paper torn up more than a few times instead of just screwed up and thrown in the bin. It clearly looked like it wasn't meant to be read from what she described. I don't know HOW they managed to put it all back together it must have taken them ages. Unless she's exaggerating how small she tore it

Yeah this was my kid until they made 4 suicide attempts in as many weeks...

ActDottie · 29/08/2023 13:24

No massive invasion of privacy

Xiaoxiong · 29/08/2023 13:25

Well if the conversation did need to be had, and you'd been bringing it up to them, it sounds like they did in fact have concerns which is why they probably felt they had to do it.

Sounds like the parents and child don't have great communication which is probably why they were snooping in the first place.

Riverlee · 29/08/2023 13:26

I’d probably glance at a few pieces to check everything was okay. If it looked like sone school homework, I’d ignore. aAnything else, I would try and read it. My child’s safety comes first. If it’s nothing, then I would bin it and forget about it.

Alargeoneplease89 · 29/08/2023 13:26

I wouldn't have the patience unless there is a MH concern?

JenniferBarkley · 29/08/2023 13:27

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:21

To be honest the conversation did need to be had. It's been brought up by me many times to the parent but the daughter is too timid to bring it up with them herself. She tells me all about it and I have brought it to her mother. But actually seeing their daughters feelings written down hopefully hit home for them.

However, that's not what my post is about. It's about the fact that they didn't know what was on the paper, they had no prior concerns but taped it together and read it anyway! Maybe this is the right thing to do and I am happy to be wrong, as I say I'm not a parent so I really don't know what is the 'done thing' hence why I was asking for other peoples input

This does sound like you might be at risk of overstepping.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 13:28

No. Why would you? That's really weird.

Flakey99 · 29/08/2023 13:30

Yes, I’d definitely look at it just to reassure myself that all was ok, but unless it gave me huge cause for concern, I wouldn’t ever mention it to them.

A 10yr old is still an inexperienced child and it’s the parents responsibility to look out for them.

Mumof4plusbonus · 29/08/2023 13:30

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:21

To be honest the conversation did need to be had. It's been brought up by me many times to the parent but the daughter is too timid to bring it up with them herself. She tells me all about it and I have brought it to her mother. But actually seeing their daughters feelings written down hopefully hit home for them.

However, that's not what my post is about. It's about the fact that they didn't know what was on the paper, they had no prior concerns but taped it together and read it anyway! Maybe this is the right thing to do and I am happy to be wrong, as I say I'm not a parent so I really don't know what is the 'done thing' hence why I was asking for other peoples input

You say they had no cause for concern but then this was something they did need to know. You know parents have instinct and can often tell when something is off with their child right? It doesn’t need to come from solid information

Original poster

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:32

@Xiaoxiong but what I mean is there are no suicide issues or bullying or eating issues or anything extreme like that for them to have concerns over.

I tried to make the post vague because I just wanted it to be 'would you read a letter written by your DC if they didn't want you to see it and there are no mental or worrying issues that you know of. Yes or no?" But obviously it's hard to answer that.

So the situation is the parents argue a lot. It upsets their DD. Their DD calls me in tears almost weekly and I come and pick her up and take her to mine and let her stay over if she wants to. I've had lots of talks with the parents and told them to sort it out or break up as it's not doing their DD any good etc. However their DD has never told them that this affects her. She is very well behaved and has shown no signs of any issues. I see both DD and her mum every week, we are a close family and I know that generally she is a very happy child but she hates her parents fighting.

On the paper she wrote about how it makes her feel when her parents argue. I have urged her to tell them this herself but she won't. She wrote it down but did not want them to see it and was extremely embarrassed when they say her down on her bedroom floor with the taped up paper on front of them. They apologised and said they're going to do better.

However, the question that I'm asking is just whether it's right of a parent to go to this extreme length of taping up a torn up letter to read what their DD wrote when they don't even have any concerns about her? I'm happy for the answer to be yes that's perfectly fine, and in fact it would make me feel better if that were the case because I feel quite sorry for her atm feeling like she has now lost trust in her parents

OP posts:

Glitterblue · 29/08/2023 13:32

My mum once went to the trouble of unpicking and unravelling a tiny ball of paper that I’d sellotaped round and round - it was really small and just looked like a ball of sellotape. I got into so much trouble over that - I was being bullied and had written loads of swear words all over the paper and had just done it to get it out of my system because that girl was being so vile to me. I remember coming home from school to it laid out on the worktop. It felt like such a huge invasion of privacy and I wouldn’t do it to my child unless I was seriously worried about her mental health and safety.

CoteDOpale · 29/08/2023 13:33

No.

NotMadeOfStone · 29/08/2023 13:33

TBH it sounds like the note made them have an open conversation with her. So the net effect could be positive.

Riapia · 29/08/2023 13:37

I’d first say to him, “please don’t tear your paper up it makes it very difficult to read “ and watch his reaction.
😉😁😁

InSpainTheRain · 29/08/2023 13:37

I certainly wouldn't be trying to read it nor try sellotaping it together. The only exception would be is if they were having issues like bullying or some awful school problems then if might try to see if it gave me some insight to help them.

HauntedPencil · 29/08/2023 13:39

Agree not unless they were in some bother or difficulty but even then I'd probably just try and have a chat about it rather than go AC-12

Anywherebuthere · 29/08/2023 13:45

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:32

@Xiaoxiong but what I mean is there are no suicide issues or bullying or eating issues or anything extreme like that for them to have concerns over.

I tried to make the post vague because I just wanted it to be 'would you read a letter written by your DC if they didn't want you to see it and there are no mental or worrying issues that you know of. Yes or no?" But obviously it's hard to answer that.

So the situation is the parents argue a lot. It upsets their DD. Their DD calls me in tears almost weekly and I come and pick her up and take her to mine and let her stay over if she wants to. I've had lots of talks with the parents and told them to sort it out or break up as it's not doing their DD any good etc. However their DD has never told them that this affects her. She is very well behaved and has shown no signs of any issues. I see both DD and her mum every week, we are a close family and I know that generally she is a very happy child but she hates her parents fighting.

On the paper she wrote about how it makes her feel when her parents argue. I have urged her to tell them this herself but she won't. She wrote it down but did not want them to see it and was extremely embarrassed when they say her down on her bedroom floor with the taped up paper on front of them. They apologised and said they're going to do better.

However, the question that I'm asking is just whether it's right of a parent to go to this extreme length of taping up a torn up letter to read what their DD wrote when they don't even have any concerns about her? I'm happy for the answer to be yes that's perfectly fine, and in fact it would make me feel better if that were the case because I feel quite sorry for her atm feeling like she has now lost trust in her parents

It might seem surprising but parents who argue with each other and have what seems to be a well behaved child/children will still be able to see the anxiety it causes even if its not spoken about.

They can surely see her unhapiness even if she doesnt say anything. Parents arguing with each other doesnt mean there is no concern or awareness of the childs feelings.

I can see why they did put it together to read it. May be there can be a positive outcome of this eventually, even though she feels like there is no trust at the moment.

Xiaoxiong · 29/08/2023 13:46

Ok if I was a parent and my DD was:

calling her auntie in tears regularly
staying overnight with family regularly after calling family member in tears
putting on a happy face around me

I would be racking my brains wondering what was wrong, is she being bullied, is she gay and worried about telling me, is she self harming, has she been abused and can't tell me, is she about to hang herself... And then when asked, happy face, all is well, no problems here mum, nothing to see here mum....

Parents just know when there's something wrong, they didn't know that it wasn't any of the serious concerns you list. The mum might have been lying awake at night while her DD is off at your place wondering what is up and why her DD can't speak to her about it.

Then she finds a letter apparently torn up and and she might think...maybe this is a sign? Maybe she meant for me to find this? Maybe this is the cry for help?

I don't know, I think you're reaching to say that the parents had no reason to do this and had no concerns and were violating her privacy for no reason. I think they knew full well there were concerns but probably didn't want to face it.

I wouldn't be supporting her to see her parents as snoops and violating her privacy - I'd be encouraging her to talk to her parents, and her parents to talk to her. They obviously are worried about her or they wouldn't have bothered to do it. If they had better communication patterns they would have talked about it before taping the letter together but it sounds like the parents don't have great communication between each other, let alone with her.

Sounds like some family counselling to learn communication skills would be really helpful.

Flakey99 · 29/08/2023 13:46

You’re focusing on the wrong issue, OP.

The daughter needs to learn how to communicate better with her parents (and others) and you’re not helping her because you’re allowing a 10yr old to keep secrets from her parents, which is not a good idea.

So many grown women learn to hide their feelings and are afraid to say what they want in relationships. Don’t let your niece become yet another anxiety ridden woman!

MLMsuperfan · 29/08/2023 13:47

My worst childhood memories are of my parents arguing.