If you found a torn up piece of paper with writing on in your DC bin, would you tape it back together to read it?

[AnxiousAnniee]

In this scenario what would you do:

DD is 10 years old, has their own room. Upon cleaning the room you go to empty the bin and find lots of tiny pieces of paper. It looks like an A4 piece of paper has been written on and then torn up. Obviously not wanting anyone to ready it.

Would you tape the paper back together out of concern to read it? Or would you respect that your child obviously doesn't want you reading it so leave it?

Just for context here, it's not my DC, but a family members. They taped the paper back together but I'm not sure if I agree they should've done that. Just wondered if they were being unreasonable or if most parents would do this?

Your updates change things.

If I saw my name on a bit of paper, of course I'd read it! So would most people.

However, calling the child down to shout at her is wrong on so many levels, and makes the whole situation abusive.

My mum would have went to these extremes to find out information about me because I never spoke to her about what was going on.

The reason I didn't speak to her was because she was nosey and critical of my decisions and it felt very invasive.

Poking about in my things just made me more and more secretive and it resulted in a couple of serious events that could have been avoided by just keeping the lines of communication open and showing some respect for my autonomy and right to privacy.

DS - no.
DD - yes. Every time. Huge mental health issues.

DD has no idea I check this stuff.

They have no reason to be concerned about her. She is well behaved, quiet, no issues that they know of, has friends, does well in school, eats well. In my original post I just meant general concern that you might have when you see a piece of paper torn up more than a few times instead of just screwed up and thrown in the bin. It clearly looked like it wasn't meant to be read from what she described. I don't know HOW they managed to put it all back together it must have taken them ages. Unless she's exaggerating how small she tore it

I'd check it just to be sure theirs no bullying or anything that I should be worried about.
But I wouldn't be taping it back together or confronting them.

More general questions, make sure they know that I'm there for them etc.

They have no reason to be concerned about her that you know of.

In the nicest possible way, you are not her parent, and your information has come from a 10 yr old, who may or may not be telling you the full story or the whole truth. 10 yr olds are very capable of exaggerating for effect. There may also be things going on to which you are not privy.

Alternatively, her parents may be controlling monsters.

There's no way for you to know, so I'd just carry on being someone she's happy to talk to for the time being.

This is awful! I hope they were kind and concerned and didn’t tell her off for whatever she’d written? If I was her I would find it difficult to trust them going forward (and with good reason)

I remember writing a story once I must have been about 8.
It was just a silly story about this and that but I'd used my family as the real characters. There was something dramatic involved leading to my needing to run away, nothing bad just silly stuff.
I threw it in my bin then later on my dad called my in to his office and has the paper laid out on his desk and asked me to explain what this was all about.
I was absolutely crushed and embarrassed and it still makes me feel bad now. I'd screwed it up and thrown it away, it was just a game I was playing with myself writing a story!
Can't believe he invaded my privacy like that.
So no I don't think taping something back together it right at all.

Ten is very young, so yes I would have a quick look to make sure no concerning words jumped out, and a more careful look if I was already worried.

If it was just letting off steam about her parents then they are out of line, and the teen tears are going to be tough for all concerned if they won't let her have her feelings on that score.

Exactly - no issues THAT THEY KNOW OF - kids don't always say what's going on at school.
And lots of parents do worry that their is bullying or teasting going on or that kids are happy.
Considering the number of parents who check phones for bullying etc I'm surprised how few on here would ditch without nosing to check all is ok

No. I respect my child's privacy.

Doing things like this is an excellent way to harbour an atmosphere of mistrust and secrecy.

My parents used to snoop on me, so I hid EVERYTHING from them - letters, private notes, things I'd bought etc. The way to find out if your child is having problems is by having an open, honest relationship with them that respects their boundaries and encourages them to come to you if they have problems.

Not by fucking snooping through their stuff when they aren't looking. All that teaches kids is to hide stuff better.

Would you respect your child's privacy in the same way if you had genuine reason to be concerned about their mental health?

If you have genuine concerns, you talk to your kids about it. You don't just snoop.

Not unless I had significant concerns about their mental health.

Allowing children privacy is vital to showing that you trust them.

I would give that child a shredder for Christmas/Birthday/just because.

They have no reason to be concerned about her that you know of.

I have family who insist they'd have been told if there were issues or concerns only to find out later usually due to hospital admissions (hard to hide) that they had no clue what was actually going on and people outside situation often wonder why they thought they'd be informed about other adults/child private medical information.

It does sound from what you say it's been handled very badly - but if your information is coming form the 10 year old themselves may be worth thinking how impartial they are actually being and what they aren't telling you -( though that's always good practise anyway with any age).

Generally snooping is a good way to erode trust.

My children generally write all sorts of nonsense, pictures etc so I wouldn’t generally. However if I was concerned then that trumps a 10yr olds need for privacy imo. If it turned out to be something like I hate my parents, or I like a girl sort of normal kid stuff then i would just laugh and never let on I saw it. If it was something needed dealt with then I would just explain to my child that it was my job to protect them.
Im the same with their phones now they are teens. We have an agreement I can check it whenever I want. I actually don’t as standard but did with my 13yr old about a year ago (with his full knowledge) as I had concerns, and was glad I had. They know I’m not bothered by normal teenage stuff and we are a pretty open family but their safety comes above all else.

Absolutely not! My mum used to do this and it's why to this day anything private gets shredded or if it's not a piece of paper (things like pregnancy tests) get pushed right to the bottom of the kitchen bin.

My kids bins have bags in and they tie the top themselves when they're full. I don't go near them.

As PP's I would only want to read it if I had concerns about my son behaviour - either him being bullied or him being the bully (or other concerning behaviour).

In the same vein, he knows I will not snoop down his phone UNLESS I have concerns. He is still a child. I was right to 'snoop' last year and thankfully managed to nip a potentially very difficult situation in the bud.

Unless I had other wellbeing concerns, no. I used to write all sort of stupid stuff at that age, stories and poems that I would decide I didn't want people to read!

Odd thing to do. Unless there are already underlying concerns of bullying, self harm, mental health issues and so on and the child isnt communicating well.

That's weirdly controlling and invasive. Is the child safe to be around them? Things do escalate...

I'd tell her how to dispose of papers appropriately and privately. I had a nosey mother

She can put it in a pocket then put it in a public bin - high risk if she forgets it in her pocket then her mum goes through pockets.

Rip it up and dispose of bits in separate bins - some in bathroom, kitchen bedroom.

Use pen with ink that bleeds - then leave to soak in a small cup of water (dont use pencil). Then put into bin.

I always favoured lighting small bits of papers on fire but I wouldnt recommend it to a 10 year old.

I've been known to eat small bits

I had a cousin who had 2 diaries - a rubbish one hidden poorly. And a secret one well stashed.

Maybe buy her a paper making kit for Christmas and tell her privately what it's for! You have to mush the papers and material etc to make new sheets.