Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you found a torn up piece of paper with writing on in your DC bin, would you tape it back together to read it?

183 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 11:23

In this scenario what would you do:

DD is 10 years old, has their own room. Upon cleaning the room you go to empty the bin and find lots of tiny pieces of paper. It looks like an A4 piece of paper has been written on and then torn up. Obviously not wanting anyone to ready it.

Would you tape the paper back together out of concern to read it? Or would you respect that your child obviously doesn't want you reading it so leave it?

Just for context here, it's not my DC, but a family members. They taped the paper back together but I'm not sure if I agree they should've done that. Just wondered if they were being unreasonable or if most parents would do this?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 29/08/2023 13:48

The only times I'd do that is if I was really worried about my child because their behaviour indicated there was a problem or if I saw something troubling on one of the pieces of paper.

kitsuneghost · 29/08/2023 13:48

Depends if there is a history behind it.
Has an older man contacted her on the internet for example and parent wanted to see if she was corresponding.
Is she involved in something she shouldn't be?

Anywherebuthere · 29/08/2023 13:49

Xiaoxiong · 29/08/2023 13:46

Ok if I was a parent and my DD was:

  • calling her auntie in tears regularly
  • staying overnight with family regularly after calling family member in tears
  • putting on a happy face around me
I would be racking my brains wondering what was wrong, is she being bullied, is she gay and worried about telling me, is she self harming, has she been abused and can't tell me, is she about to hang herself... And then when asked, happy face, all is well, no problems here mum, nothing to see here mum....

Parents just know when there's something wrong, they didn't know that it wasn't any of the serious concerns you list. The mum might have been lying awake at night while her DD is off at your place wondering what is up and why her DD can't speak to her about it.

Then she finds a letter apparently torn up and and she might think...maybe this is a sign? Maybe she meant for me to find this? Maybe this is the cry for help?

I don't know, I think you're reaching to say that the parents had no reason to do this and had no concerns and were violating her privacy for no reason. I think they knew full well there were concerns but probably didn't want to face it.

I wouldn't be supporting her to see her parents as snoops and violating her privacy - I'd be encouraging her to talk to her parents, and her parents to talk to her. They obviously are worried about her or they wouldn't have bothered to do it. If they had better communication patterns they would have talked about it before taping the letter together but it sounds like the parents don't have great communication between each other, let alone with her.

Sounds like some family counselling to learn communication skills would be really helpful.

Totally agree. You have said it much better than I have.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 29/08/2023 13:50

I personally wouldn’t, I always advise DD to write her feelings down and tear it up if she’s dealing with something she doesn’t feel able to talk to me about just yet. She does that, majority of the times she comes and talks to me once it’s not so muddled in her head but occasionally she doesn’t and I need to respect the fact that she is her own person and might not want to share every tiny detail of her life with me.

It would be different if there was concerns about self harm or grooming or something. I have no concerns like that though so I give her the privacy she deserves.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:51

@Xiaoxiong yes I definitely agree about the communication. I have already been encouraging her to speak to them. Over and over again for months. They know the reason why she comes to mine because I turn up mid argument and literally say "DD rang me because you're scaring her. I'm taking her home with me, sort your shit out!" I used to be more kind and understanding at first but now I just walk in and get her out of the way and leave. They know exactly why. If they were so concerned about her due to this reason then why aren't they doing more to stop it? Or speaking to her about it? I've told them time and time again that they are making her cry when they argue and she's calling me. If they're concerned then instead of snooping through her things then why not just talk to her? Because they KNOW the reason for her tears, they don't need to snoop on her private thoughts and feelings when I've been telling them to their face

OP posts:
QuirkyUsername · 29/08/2023 13:51

This happened to me as a teenager, I ripped up a letter I wrote and binned it, didn't think anything of it. My mum found it, put it back together and showed it to her friends and a doctor. I was mortified, I was venting and upset, but the moment passed. I saw a piece of the letter poking out of her handbag a few days later and thought, "that looks like my handwriting..." I felt so violated, something so private and personal and she'd shown it to people who knew me.
I burnt it in the sink after that.
She may have been worried about me but that was not the way to go about it.

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 13:54

@Xiaoxiong is 100% right.

I also agree with @Flakey99 - children shouldn't be encouraged to keep secrets from their parents. It's good that the girl in question can talk to you, OP - but you, as an adult who clearly cares about her, have to be more of a parent/grandparent than a 'best friend'.

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 13:56

Crossed posts, @AnxiousAnniee.

There is obviously a lot more to this story than 'parents being nosey buggers/control freaks' - hence my first comment about context being everything.

Anywherebuthere · 29/08/2023 14:08

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 13:51

@Xiaoxiong yes I definitely agree about the communication. I have already been encouraging her to speak to them. Over and over again for months. They know the reason why she comes to mine because I turn up mid argument and literally say "DD rang me because you're scaring her. I'm taking her home with me, sort your shit out!" I used to be more kind and understanding at first but now I just walk in and get her out of the way and leave. They know exactly why. If they were so concerned about her due to this reason then why aren't they doing more to stop it? Or speaking to her about it? I've told them time and time again that they are making her cry when they argue and she's calling me. If they're concerned then instead of snooping through her things then why not just talk to her? Because they KNOW the reason for her tears, they don't need to snoop on her private thoughts and feelings when I've been telling them to their face

Edited

The drip feed isnt helping. You should have just put it clearly in the first post.

Anyway, its good you're there for the DD. But the parents need the chance to be able to work/talk through things with their daughter too. Without you always whisking her away.

If this was the situation in my home then I think I would have every right to try and find out whats going on inside my childs head. Esp if she is going yo someone else instead of communicating with me. (Also, I wouldnt be allowing you to just walk in and take her away)

OP, dont make the parents out to bad guys for the DD. They are her parents who obviously have issues with each other. Encourage her to communicate with them.

These things take time to resolve and change. But it cant be done without communication on both sides. She should be encouraged to express her feelings to them instead of putting on a happy face around them.

Its not your place to judge that they are snooping/being nosey in this situation.

NotMadeOfStone · 29/08/2023 14:14

There is obviously a need for concern for a child who has to be regularly removed from her home because of arguments.

So there is context then. Why not say all this in your OP 🙄

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:18

It's confusing why you are insisting there are no concerns about the child - if the child is repeatedly speaking to you about being upset by her parents arguments and you having to speak to them then there are concerns (and the parents are not concerned about the impact then they bloody should be!).

Normally, no, I wouldn't have put the paper back together. With concerns about my child I would have.

I'd have found a different way to approach their upset than calling them in to find me having put it back together though. That was daft and is likely to make the child less likely to confide than more.

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 14:18

Anyway, its good you're there for the DD. But the parents need the chance to be able to work/talk through things with their daughter too. Without you always whisking her away.

I wonder if the reason she doesn't talk to her parents is that she feels she doesn't have to as you'll play intermediatory - you rush in and pick her up she will discuss things upsetting her with you and then you feel you relay it but parents are left wonder if this is their DD view or yours - it all stops direct communication.

DD2 had habit in childhood of waiting for people to talk for her - did her no good long term and only when people stopped doing that or were ignore did she find her voice - though that was outside the home within it she was very vocal.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:19

"DD rang me because you're scaring her. I'm taking her home with me, sort your shit out!" I used to be more kind and understanding at first but now I just walk in and get her out of the way and leave.

Is this your child? If so just stop sending her to the other parent's house until they get their shit sorted.

If not you're on a pretty sticky wicket just taking someone else's child. That's not a normal thing to do

NotTerfNorCis · 29/08/2023 14:20

Er no I wouldn't!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:21

The drip feeds totally change the OP. Completely.

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 14:22

That's weird. Do they have concerns about her mental health?

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 14:27

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:21

The drip feeds totally change the OP. Completely.

Not really...

She still deserves her privacy. She's going to tell her parents even less and withdraw from them even further now.

They sound like selfish arseholes who refuse to put her first.

OP, can your young relative come and live with you for a while to give her a break?

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 14:38

OP, can your young relative come and live with you for a while to give her a break?

I think it depend who the OP is - one parent and it's the other house with the parent and step parent arguing then yes not going to argument house there would be best.

Otherwise inviting a 10 year old who lives with her parents with parental responsibility -presumably no SS involvement - because Op doesn't like the way the parents are parenting and thinks she can do it better may look very odd and may actually cause the parents to take a step back which may make it harder for Op to stay in contact with child.

It depends on context again.

PollyAmour · 29/08/2023 14:39

What a bizarre thing to do.
How very intrusive.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:45

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 14:27

Not really...

She still deserves her privacy. She's going to tell her parents even less and withdraw from them even further now.

They sound like selfish arseholes who refuse to put her first.

OP, can your young relative come and live with you for a while to give her a break?

Show quote history

It completely changed the story from a child with nothing concerning in her life to a child that frequently is removed from the home by another adult.

that the op says there are no concerns in the op is completely inaccurate

behonesthun · 29/08/2023 14:56

As if. Wouldn't have even looked twice when emptying the bin poor child

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 14:59

I wouldn't have the time for such nonsense. It's ridiculous.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 29/08/2023 15:13

Tbh if her parents argue so much that she runs off to your house, then she has already lost trust in her parents.
My parents did similar - both the arguing and taking scrunched up/ripped up paper out my bin to read it. It wasn't that big a betrayal for me. The bigger betrayal was the lack of safety in the home. So I think you need to be careful of projecting your emotions about this on to the DC involved. Presumably you're an adult. They will take their lead from you.
It's also possible that the DC left the paper in such a way that they hoped the parents would see it. You were telling them to talk to their parents. They wrote how they felt and then their parents read it.
As for the general question about reading paper from a bin. Context is everything. I've never read anything my DC has left in a bin or notebook. But if I had any concerns about their MH, etc, then I would. In the case you describe, it's possible the parents consider the DC is at risk because they realise they argue too much and it will be affecting the DC. That doesn't mean they're ready to acknowledge that to the DC or to you.

museumum · 29/08/2023 15:13

I probably would put such a letter together and read it. I know this isn't respecting privacy but my ds is 10 and I'd be worried and want to know. I would lay the bits out on a table, not actually sellotape it together.

I would NOT EVER confront him with what I'd read and use it to subtly help if I could but never make it known I'd read it.
If, like in this case, the content was about me, I like to think I'd reflect on my own situation/actions and take action to change things, again without ever letting on that I'd read it.

Batalax · 29/08/2023 15:15

I guess on the plus side they now realise and have at least apologised.

Tell your young relative that they shouldn’t have read it, but it was probably our of concern and love for her. And that she shouldn’t be embarrassed, she should be proud that she’s at last made them aware of her feelings now - which needed to be done.