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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you found a torn up piece of paper with writing on in your DC bin, would you tape it back together to read it?

183 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 11:23

In this scenario what would you do:

DD is 10 years old, has their own room. Upon cleaning the room you go to empty the bin and find lots of tiny pieces of paper. It looks like an A4 piece of paper has been written on and then torn up. Obviously not wanting anyone to ready it.

Would you tape the paper back together out of concern to read it? Or would you respect that your child obviously doesn't want you reading it so leave it?

Just for context here, it's not my DC, but a family members. They taped the paper back together but I'm not sure if I agree they should've done that. Just wondered if they were being unreasonable or if most parents would do this?

OP posts:
Scaryghost · 29/08/2023 11:36

I’d leave it alone UNLESS I had concerns about my child or there were other known issues going on

MidnightOnceMore · 29/08/2023 11:36

Only if genuinely worried, otherwise I'd respect privacy.

Knowing when to respect privacy and when to investigate is a tricky part of parenting.

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 11:38

No, my own DM invaded my privacy in ways like this, reading notes from friends that I'd binned, going through my texts if I'd left my phone sitting (long before the days you could lock them) and then coming and talking to me about who I was talking to and the topics, none of which were concerning or out of the ordinary. This continued well into my late teens and it was both infuriating and embarrassing. Kids are entitled to privacy. If someone is concerned about wellbeing, provide an open and safe space for them to talk and be there for them, don't snoop

Crunchymum · 29/08/2023 11:38

It's akin to reading someone's private diary - which is a massive no-no.

I guess if there was extenuating circumstances (IE severe MH issues) it could be acceptable but that is really grasping at straws.

Peony654 · 29/08/2023 11:40

Of course not. and a 10 yo should empty their own bin.

TotalOverhaul · 29/08/2023 11:42

I might if I had an underlying concern about the child. If it seemed they were unhappy or secretive about something. I never checked DC's phones. Never occurred to me, except twice, when I instinctively looked at a pinged message, having ignored 1000s before. On both occasions the message revealed a really tough problem they were going through that they'd been hiding, and I guess that some instinctive concern had kicked in, getting me to check. (That or they were perpetually one step from disaster throughout their teens and I only caught it twice Grin)

BackToOklahoma · 29/08/2023 11:45

I probably wouldn’t even notice. If I did, no I wouldn’t .......unless there is some very real concern for the child’s wellbeing.

melj1213 · 29/08/2023 11:46

No way in hell would I ever do that to my DD, or anyone! If it's in the bin then it's there for a reason.

The only time I might even consider doing it would be if I already had concerns about DD because she was showing signs of anxiety/mood change etc and/or I saw concerning words on the paper as I was emptying the bin (eg kill/hurt/bleeding etc)

LubaLuca · 29/08/2023 11:46

No, I wouldn't want to know what was on it. It's okay to have private things, and I'd assume a torn up note was something that wasn't meant for anyone else to see (maybe regretted writing it, or something a bit embarrassing).

My mother was a terrible snooper, she'd turn my room upside down looking for 'evidence' whenever she fancied. My sister was the same, as soon as I was out she'd be rummaging through my stuff hoping to find something 'incriminating' that she could blackmail me with.

I've always allowed my kids to have privacy, on the proviso that if they have secrets that make them feel bad they should let someone know so it isn't a burden. As others have said, if I was concerned for other reasons I'd be less relaxed so I'd ask my child what the note was and if there was anything they were holding on to that they might feel better to share.

IncompleteSenten · 29/08/2023 11:50

Maybe.
If I was worried about my child, maybe they were withdrawn, or self harming or I had concerns they were being groomed etc etc.
As a parent you do what you have to do and depending on the circumstances that includes prioritising their potential safety over their privacy.

caramacyears · 29/08/2023 11:51

God, probably - yes

SunWorshipping · 29/08/2023 11:51

It's a weird thing to do, I imagine this parent will be a total interfering overbearing, nosey nightmare when their child reaches their teen years. I forsee a strained relationship for years to come if they continue this sort of behaviour.

CurlewKate · 29/08/2023 11:52

I can imagine circumstances where I might. But mostly-absolutely not.

Clarich007 · 29/08/2023 11:52

Did they find out what was written on it ?

Frabbits · 29/08/2023 11:54

Unless there was a really, really good reason of course a parent shouldn't be doing things like that. My parents were awful for doing things like that and it used to really piss me off.

Codependantnomore · 29/08/2023 11:54

I did.. I went with my gut and found out something detrimental that had I not found out could have had a horrific outcome. No warning signs, I suspected nothing but something told me to do it and I did and thank my lucky stars every day that I decided to be "nosey".

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:55

GolgafrinchamB · 29/08/2023 11:30

Only if I noticed any problematic words written when I was about to empty it - anything referencing self harm, suicidal ideation, anorexia etc.

In the normal scheme of things, heck no!

Exactly this!

My first thought is that I would never do it but if I saw something about being bullied or being SA or having suicidal thoughts then yes I would read it.

Tomoinson123 · 29/08/2023 11:56

It would depend. If I'd been worrying about them, thinking that they're upset or worried about something because their behaviour has changed, but they deny anything is wrong then I might if worried enough.

Otherwise, I wouldn't think twice about ripped up paper, I'd assume it was a drawing or some writing they thought was rubbish.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:56

Frabbits · 29/08/2023 11:54

Unless there was a really, really good reason of course a parent shouldn't be doing things like that. My parents were awful for doing things like that and it used to really piss me off.

Mine too.
I was never allowed any privacy as a child as my mum is too nosey.

I got a diary with a lock on for my birthday and she even broke the lock off just to read it.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 11:57

@Clarich007 yeah it was basically like a diary page but I don't think she has a diary do she just wrote her feelings onto a random piece of paper but obviously couldnt hide it so tore it up once she'd finished. It was about them (the parents) so I'm assuming they picked up the pieces and saw some words on that made them want to read it. But I still don't think they should've. I'm putting myself in the daughters perspective and I would feel really disrespected. I know that she was embarrassed because she told me. It was her that told me, not the parents

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 29/08/2023 11:57

Out of the blue my teen dd took an overdose. The best thing I could do for her was read the book filled with her writing. . Yes the paper should have been read.

VeloVixen · 29/08/2023 11:58

Jesus no. Major breach of trust. I caught my mum reading my diary at that age and never forgave her

OrigamiOwls · 29/08/2023 11:59

AnxiousAnniee · 29/08/2023 11:57

@Clarich007 yeah it was basically like a diary page but I don't think she has a diary do she just wrote her feelings onto a random piece of paper but obviously couldnt hide it so tore it up once she'd finished. It was about them (the parents) so I'm assuming they picked up the pieces and saw some words on that made them want to read it. But I still don't think they should've. I'm putting myself in the daughters perspective and I would feel really disrespected. I know that she was embarrassed because she told me. It was her that told me, not the parents

What the parents have just taught her is that she needs to hide things better in the future...

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 29/08/2023 12:00

A 10 year old yes probably if I was concerned about things.....they are 10 ffs a child you aren't doing them dirty you have a responsibility if it's concerning so don't know why everyone is saying it's bad

WrongWayApricot · 29/08/2023 12:01

If I had spotted some odd bit of writing maybe. Like die in all capitals and circled, something like that. But, if I ever did read my child's personal things I'd try so hard to not show it unless something dangerous was going to happen. My mum used to go through my personal things and let me know through hints that she knew things. It really messed me up. Either spy properly or don't.