Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

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I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

Everyone needs decompression time but people with ADHD even more so.

Why on earth should he apologise?

Your poor children. I hope you or your husband ensure they know how shitty behaviour has been.

If the grandparents are getting shitty and expect your teenagers to babysit the 5 year old instead of them doing the work then maybe they need to stop agreeing to have the 5 year old.

It's not your kids problem. It's also not the 5 year olds fault for wanting someone to play.

Your poor DC. I hope your DH pulls his parents up on their awful behaviour.

I wouldn't send my kids there again. I think it was silly for the GP's to think teens would want to 'play' with a 5 year old!
Making DS eat alone and sending them to bed early is ridiculous.
No need to 'thank' GP's for having them, no need for an apology. Just say it wasn't a good idea for all grandchildren to stay as both grandparents and teens found it unenjoyable. Make the point teens didn't have a good time when PILs moan.

It’s obviously unreasonable to me. I have very bouncy younger children and wouldn’t expect a teenager to entertain my kids for hours. Even seemingly keen related adults I always give them an “out” and remind the kids they might be tired, need a break, want to do something else.

I think you need to very calmly stand up for them and also ensure they know you have. E.g The children are safely home. I think your expectations of them were not appropriate so probably best if we schedule visits so they aren’t going to be at your house when [5 yr old] is there when we can’t be there. I’m grateful you had them but they do need to have space and as teenagers that’s entirely normally and not something they should feel guilty about.

But then just continue as positive a relationship as you can.

I also think that your son hasn't done anything wrong.
I can't help but wonder if your children were invited because golden grandchild was staying with them and the grandparents wanted an easier time ?
I am surprised that your kids didn't beg you to pick them up earlier.

I'd have fetched them myself if I'd heard my DS was being banned from dinner. Completely inappropriate punishment for what seems to be just typical teenage moaning (not unjustified in this case!).

They wouldn't be going back either.

Using food, withdrawal of food, exclusion at mealtimes etc. as punishment is a complete no no, imo. Absolutely wrong.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4786981-cousins-hanging-out-at-grandparents-house

Perhaps this is the younger cousin's parent?

I think terrible behaviour on behalf of the grandparents tbh and it does sound like they couldn't be bothered and shifted the childcare to your teenagers. I have first hand experience of this dynamic having just returned from a holiday with friends who had a 6 year old and 2 year old. My two are 16 and 12 and it was expected that they would essentially entertain the six year old on particular. We all had to and it was relentless. I forgot how demanding this age is. They were sweet and my two were good with them but at day 12 my DD is the youngest and declared she would not longer play and put her headphones on and moved away from the 6 year old. The parents did tell the six year old to leave her alone though as teenagers are entitled to their age appropriate whims and behaviour just as much as little ones. Being a bit moody and hormonal is perfectly normal behaviour for those in the teenage years.

7am -10pm playing? I would have wanted to leave!

Your MIL was bang out of order here.

The 5 year old was clearly being treated as the favourite ... hence the sending of your teenagers to BED at 8:30 and letting the 5 year old stay up when you/your DH stood up for them and told them to not continue 'babysitting' the 5 year old after 8:00 pm

And your MIL was then put out that your son told the truth about how they were being treated at their home: as unpaid, fulltime and then some babysitters/entertainers for the favoured 5 year old. And to deny him a meal over his feelings, just wow. Wow.

Not much of a holiday visit for your teenagers. I wouldn't be sending them again; who cares if MIL wants to pretend that's her decision! She's ruining her own relationship with your children.

Your updates are a bit of a drip feed. MIL is dreadful and I can't believe you sent them off to stay with her.
I missed the bit about her banning him from dinner which is horrible.
And in your OP you say you're OK with her "chastising" them, it was just the sending home early you didn't like. Yet I still can't see any bad behaviour that justifies her treating them like this.
You really should be standing up for them. Instead, you're sending them to stay with someone who is very unkind to them, and not standing up to MIL in any way. This will affect their relationship with you if you don't show them you're on their side when they're treated unfairly.
You're still talking about their "bad behaviour" as though there was any. I feel sorry for your kids.
Where is their father in all this? My husband would have told his mother straight out that our kids wouldn't be staying with her again if she uses them as a 15 hour a day babysitter for a 5 year old.

I feel sorry for your DS. It sounds to me as though the Grandparents wanted your children permanently on duty and didn't make much of an effort to manage or engage with the five year old themselves. I think this kind of behaviour is generational and/or the result of old age. They sound very like my parents: out of touch with how teenagers behave and inclined to be dictatorial. Sadly for them, next time they have their five year old grandchild they'll have to play with them themselves. It is such a shame also that they will probably have damaged their relationship with your DS. Four days btw seems too long to me.

Just adding to the chorus thinking your MIL is in the wrong to expect two teenagers to act as babysitters for a 5 year old, which is what it looks like from here. Maybe she shouldn't have sent them home early, either, but at least they got a day of peace away from baby-sitting out of it! I also think she needs to be told that she was being unreasonable to expect them to babysit their cousin all day, but I'm afraid I've no advice on how point this out politely and continue to maintain a good relationship with your PIL.

She banned him from dinner? Do you mean that she didn't feed him? Because that is abusive, no matter what he did or said.

I have read all your posts OP, and your PIL sounds hateful and vile. They abused, exploited and used your children to babysit, as slave labour, not allowing them a break, and then not allowing your son to have dinner with them. I would go NC and have my children go* *NC with them. I truly would. You don't want your children growing up treated like that. If they want contact with them when they are older or adults then let them, but I ABSOLUTELY would be going completely NC with them.

The banning from dinner is outrageous, my Mum is so generous of heart and money, food to my DC, I can't begin to imagine who mean a grandparent you must be to behave like that.

Being banned from dinner for not apologising for a truthful comment that the grandmother should have reflected on and apologise to her grandson for not realising he didn't want to constantly entertain a small child is unreasonable. I would let the grandparents know that you are disappointed that the inlaws made your children feel their only value was as entertainers for their younger cousin and that they didn't send the cousin home and spend any time with your children or make them feel valued. I think anyone looking after teenagers should be able to send them to bed, but it's odd your children were expected to go to bed earlier than the small child.
I suspect the inlaws have damaged their relationship with your children for a few years now. It does sound like they had too many children at once and I'd have cancelled the visit when I hear the preschooler was there for the duration without a parent

As a teen I would have been over the moon at being sent home from having to babysit a 5 year old all day and go to bed a bloody 8.40pm. I'd also be thrilled at being "banned" from going again as there's no way you would ever get to me to go!
I'd happily tell MIL that there is no need for her to worry as the kids will not be visiting again. She will be lucky if they even entertain a casual relationship with her now.

Awful behaviour by in-laws. Your children deserve an apology and to never be left alone again with their grandparents. My parents are in their 80s and would never treat my kids like that (inlaws no longer alive). I would struggle to forgive that.

so your MIL eavesdropped, snapped, escalated, punished your DS, then threw out both your DC - because they weren’t absolutely delighted to do her an enormous favour.

She sounds really unpleasant and stupid.

I think it is really hard for older kids to manage this dynamic sometimes as well and it sounds like an adult needed to step in rather than punish the poor teenagers for effectively child labour! My DS who is 16 was great at asserting his boundaries and jokingly would manage the 6 year old's expectations. I'm unsure if it was because he was a boy and the 6 year old was a boy but I was a bit annoyed when the little boy was kicking my 12 year old DD loads in the legs on purpose playing football and the parents (our friends) did nothing until it got ridiculous. DS had to intervene and correct this behaviour to protect DD. We weren't there at the time but DS relayed this to me.

You have absolutely no idea what exactly went on. 7-10 sounds a bit unbelievable to be honest. When you've been to stay as a family how has it been? I would wait a few days for things to calm down, then try to have sensible conversations with everyone involved before I made any decisions.