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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
Luana1 · 29/08/2023 11:11

Your in-laws sound like awful people. I have a 5 year old and they certainly shouldn't need constant entertaining, or behave like a toddler, or go to bed past 8pm - so it sounds like your in-laws were unable to deal with their special needs granddaughter and are taking out their frustrations/guilt on your two which is completely unacceptable. I don't usually suggest going no contact with family, but in this case I would!

Waffle78 · 29/08/2023 11:12

Even parents want a break from playing with their kids. Wtf were they keeping her up until 10?

wisteriahaze · 29/08/2023 11:12

Sounds like they were just used as childcare. I remember when my cousins were that age. I love them to bits but 1 hour is my limit for playing with them before I got annoyed. I know it's not on the kids themselves but not everyone likes playing with young kids!

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:12

The "bad behaviour" by DS was his refusal to apologize for his comments saying he was tired and that he wasnt' allowed a break whilst on a phone call to me. I heard it all, what DS said on the call so I know he was just venting to me, and not in an unreasonable manner, and then heard him saying, why has nanny gone off in a huff and apparently MIL said "they will send cousin away tomorrow as you don't want to play with her".
And the bad behaviour continued with DS not apologizing and it created a bad atmosphere apparently as it "ruined the day".

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 11:13

I’d write a very stiff thank you card, thanking them for the visit but saying going forward your children will not be acting as entertainment for their cousin, not have their calls home monitored and critiqued and not be put to bed, so won’t be able to stay independently again. STAND UP FOR THEM and change the narrative. They have been outrageously unkind even if they think they haven’t.

TheUsualChaos · 29/08/2023 11:14

Sounds like the Grandparents just weren't coping and also using your DC to entertain the little one all day. Ridiculous having her up until 10pm. I'm not surprised they'd all had enough! Lesson learned, don't do it again 🤷‍♀️

Blackbird2020 · 29/08/2023 11:14

Wow, from what you’ve written your children sound far more mature than their grandmother.

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 11:15

Also sounds like the grandparents expectations of what to do with teens for 4 days are way out … babysitting a 5 year old full on for 4 days is not on.

This - it's really not fair on the teens at all.

My own DP are like this every visit they have DN there - luckily similar age to mine and they do get on but does mean they don't get any time with DGP they are expected to go off and play together.

I also get why DS is hurt - it made it very plain he's not wanted for himself but for childcare.

I can't image it will do much for the relationship with grandparents going forward - why didn't FIL say it's a bit late we'll stick to the original plan even if MIL was having a strop.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 29/08/2023 11:15

It's almost irrelevant if your kids acted up or not. The grandparents did not manage the situation like adults and failed to communicate with you properly.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/08/2023 11:15

Your pil sound horrible. I wouldn’t be sending them again and I’d have strong words about the way mil treated them.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:16

Also DS was upset because he heard the GPs discussing his bad behaviour, that he is trouble at home (he can be difficult - being assessed for ADHD, and the PIL know about this, sorry if it's a drip feed), and now trouble at theirs. It's quite a hurtful thing to hear.
Ultimately he did play with his 5yr old cousin for a whole day and again the next day, more than what most teenagers would have done.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 29/08/2023 11:16

I don't think your DS acted badly at all, your MIL on the other hand should not be looking after anyone's children.

Donotshushme · 29/08/2023 11:16

I would never, ever punish a child by withholding food. That's abusive as fuck and my children wouldn't be staying there again.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:17

DS was pushed to his limits from what I can gather.

OP posts:
Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:18

When they said they were going into eat, he was told to sit back down again and they ate without him, but he did eat dinner eventually after they had finished.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 29/08/2023 11:18

Your PIL / MIL sounds like a bloody nightmare / bat shit.

Yes I am sure your DC were moody but I think I would be from baby sitting a 5 year old to 10pm at night!!! That's ridiculous.

From a child safety perspective, they absolutely should not have sent them home early without informing you first.

What a shame - sounds like this could be the end of trips to the GPs

Donotshushme · 29/08/2023 11:18

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:16

Also DS was upset because he heard the GPs discussing his bad behaviour, that he is trouble at home (he can be difficult - being assessed for ADHD, and the PIL know about this, sorry if it's a drip feed), and now trouble at theirs. It's quite a hurtful thing to hear.
Ultimately he did play with his 5yr old cousin for a whole day and again the next day, more than what most teenagers would have done.

His possible adhd could be why he's so upset. People with adhd can suffer rejection sensitivity disorder, which translates to hate being in trouble, and feel like everyone's mad at them all the time, not knowing how to assert themselves because they're afraid of the reaction.

All he did was express that he didn't want to play with the 5yo anymore. You should be proud of him for asserting his boundaries.

redskytonights · 29/08/2023 11:19

We stopped sending our DC to visit my in-laws at the same time as their (much younger) cousin for a similar reason to this.

DD is known for being good with children and her cousin adores her. That doesn't mean she wants to spend the entirety of her visit to her grandparents providing a child amusement service. And it's wearing for older children to have to do activities that are suitable for a much younger child all the time. Not to mention the having to go to bed early as they were sharing a room.

MiL was upset when we did it "but <younger cousin> loves seeing them" but it worked out better all round.

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 11:20

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:16

Also DS was upset because he heard the GPs discussing his bad behaviour, that he is trouble at home (he can be difficult - being assessed for ADHD, and the PIL know about this, sorry if it's a drip feed), and now trouble at theirs. It's quite a hurtful thing to hear.
Ultimately he did play with his 5yr old cousin for a whole day and again the next day, more than what most teenagers would have done.

Did more than many teens would do.

I'd run interference in future for him - so he doesn't have to deal with their attitude towards him - visits with you there or allowing him not to go.

Honestly my IL used to keep the kids up if they could and then they'd still get up early - leads to much poorer behavior which they'd then get upset with - it really won't have helped the 5 year old behavior at all - even if they are sweet tempered usually.

PhantomUnicorn · 29/08/2023 11:20

still not hearing any bad behaviour.

Why should he apologise?

Maray1967 · 29/08/2023 11:20

I would never send them there again. DH can go on his own in future. They were basically expecting your DC to babysit the 5 year old - why do that? What was arranged that suited their interests and ages? Sounds like nothing was.

Clymene · 29/08/2023 11:20

God they sound absolutely horrible to your children!

Donotshushme · 29/08/2023 11:20

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:18

When they said they were going into eat, he was told to sit back down again and they ate without him, but he did eat dinner eventually after they had finished.

Ok that's still just as bad. Did he know when he was told to sit back down that he was going to get dinner? Was he sitting there thinking he was not going to be fed just because he asserted himself in a typical teenage boy way? What about what he has done was so bad that he wasn't even worthy to eat with the family?

I bet they made him feel like a piece of crap.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/08/2023 11:23

It sounds like the grandparents are at fault here. If the worst he did was say he needed a break from playing with a 5 year old then that's completely understandable. Unless there are other things they haven't given details on.

I find a whole day playing with my 5 year old really intense, I would usually play a bit, set her up with her own colouring or whatever, run some errands, take her to the park or something. A whole day playing at the house is too much so I think it's terrible the GP didn't intervene and say that they needed a rest and put the TV on or something. Why on earth did they organise it all at the same time, there aren't going to be many activities that those age gaps can all enjoy together and have quality time

TripleDaisySummer · 29/08/2023 11:23

I bet they made him feel like a piece of crap.

That does basically seem to be the situation.

I don't think he has anything to apologise for and I would consider saying that to MIL and pointing out how unreasonable you view her behavior and how much ground she has to make up but that does depend on family dynamics to a huge extent.