Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

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I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

I had this as a teenager, expected to entertain younger cousins. I would have been happy to play for an hour or two, but they wanted me to entertain them for the whole day whilst the parents relaxed. In the end i refused to do it anymore and just locked myself away in my bedroom or went out. It affected my relationship with my cousin for years as she felt let down that i had abandoned her. If we had been left to our own devices we would have played a bit each day, then parents could have taken over and then i could have gone out/done something else. I was made to feel like i was unreasonable for not wanting to spend time with kids 8 years younger than me. Sympathy to your children.

Tell me about it, I was crying at one point as all this money and hadn't really spemt any quality time with my DC. We had gone away before and it was fine but it was a huge partie of us so 4 times friends with dc so we didn't notice as other DC were little and played with them. they are both our friends but DH's originally so that was more to do with it. We did have a good time but they are very lax in health and safety, I am laid back as is DH but not that laid back and it was tricky.

I agree with this.

As to their rude ness if they've been "entertaining" the 5 year old from 7 am to 10 pm for three days on the trot, sounds awful. Obvs I did this when my DC were that age, but its very full on for teens who are not used to it and there's absolutely no variation.

Didn't your MIL have any plans for outings? Or were they expected to keep the creative "play" going? What resources did they have, bikes? play equipment? It sounds very badly planned.

We had the same issue, where teenage DC's presence was demanded to entertain younger cousins, Would have been happy with a day or two but it was the whole week or nothing. We'd already booked and paid for sports clubs so, and outings with their friends and said the entire week wouldn't work. They didn't care and the phone was slammed down, which just made it clear that it was the right decision.

snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off
they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour
and refusal to apologise for telling us he needed a break. (they clearly did need a break)

Can't judge whether your DS was "rude" or if your MIL was just angry with him, but your son was quite right to call you as he knew things weren't going well and obviously had to give you a reason why. Banned from dinner for telling you the truth? Stone-faced demeanour - if he's being snapped at and told off, he's at least keeping quiet and under control and not retorting back or getting into an argument with an angry person and then he asked you for help. Sounds like he did the right thing.

As others have said it was good to end the stay but the way she sent them home "in disgrace" with a bad character, and saying they would never be invited back was intolerant and bad-tempered. She was the adult and didn't manage the situation and blamed them for it.

It's a bit much to expect anybody to constantly play and baby sit a demanding 5 year old. I'm not surprised that your DC were finding that set-up tough going.
It sounds like your DC were brought in as babysitters so the GP could relax a little from the relentless 5yr old.
It's a shame it ended the way it did. But at least they made it home and the situation didn't get any more fraught. Maybe suggest your DC vist again for a short time without the young cousin so they can do something more suitable to their age and interests, maybe the GP will see them in a different light.

This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again.

It wouldn't be happening again according to me as their parent, either! Your ILs sound unloving and unpleasant. Teens do get moody. Any fule kno that it is exhausting playing with an excited demanding 5 yo.

Poor kids!

MN is absurdly concerned with “drip feeding” and there is always someone who complains that they don’t believe the OP because the picture gets clearer after more posts. Its so tedious! Just don’t read or pist if you think so poorly of the OP.

the style here is short intro , anything long gets criticized, and then stiff questioning bt posters so they can understand the background.

To get back to what is important: OP you are at fault for overriding your DH and trying to force a normal relationship with MIL and FIL. They are not considerate, they don’t like or relate to your children, and they will always put themselves first. They are not good people and trying to keep them in your children’s life will hurt your children. Grow a backbone and back your children and husband up.

It wasn't your DSs intention to hurt anyone's feelings or cause trouble.
He's 14 not 44. He doesn't have acute social skills.
He was just saying it as it was.

Teens and 5yr olds just cannot 'play' together for very long. It's unrealistic to think they can.
That younger kid is going to be a monumental drain on their resources.

The grandparents just aren't getting it. They sound like the old fashioned type where it's ok to speak to anyone under the age of 18 as if they were a dog being ordered to 'sit'.

Your DS did nothing very wrong and your ILs are horrible. There's clearly a favourite grandchild here - the 5 year old - and your DCs are just there to pander to her and take the blame when tempers get frayed. I don't think they should see your DCs again other than at family events with lots of other people. They sound completely untrustworthy and mean.

Oh dear, your PILs handled this very badly. Your ds should have been allowed to use his words to say he needed a break/wanted some quiet time/didn't want to play with a 5yo for 14 hours a day. There is no issue with that. PILs should not have expected this.

Why didn't they just see your dc on their own? That would have been much more relaxing for them and a very different vibe.

And why is the 5yo pandered to and allowed to stay up so late and pester your dc? The 5yo needs to be parented and boundaries put in place.

Sympathy to your dc.

It’s not your kids. They sound great actually. I wouldn’t apologise on their behalf and I wouldn’t send them again until other grandchild is a little older and doesn’t need as much supervision. The adults involved were taking the p*ss!

The grandparents sound like twats tbh. Not only for expecting two teens to babysit their other grandchild all day every day, but for withholding food, dumping the teens at the station one day early and for just being totally insensitive to what teens like to do. One day of playing with a 5-year-old would be MORE than enough for my own, similarly aged DC. Your teens have dodged a bullet if their shitty GPs don't want them to stay any more.

That's the issue as well. If the young child has a bed time that is early evening, the older DC can see an end in sight but the very long hours of playing how young children do (not their fault) is the relentless bit.

To get back to what is important: OP you are at fault for overriding your DH and trying to force a normal relationship with MIL and FIL. They are not considerate, they don’t like or relate to your children, and they will always put themselves first. They are not good people and trying to keep them in your children’s life will hurt your children. Grow a backbone and back your children and husband up.

It is hard because many people think oh they'll be reasonable this time especially if they come from outside the situation - but yes ideally following DH lead and not putting your DC in this situation would have been best - hindsight is always 20/20 and I would strongly suggest you don't encourage further contact.

Golden bear sounds like you thought you were still in the “run off and play children” zone while parents drink wine but actually when kids older and teens it’s far better to go as your own family and hang out with them not the other adults.

We had some brilliant meals out as a 4 chatting away. The thought of having other peoples snotty primary aged kids around on my holiday with teens who are out of that age fills me with horror frankly.

I thought my SIL would be there too. This is the key for me. Teens visiting a young cousin and GPs with cousin's mother is one thing; GPs and teens alone with young cousin is quite another! They were definitely being used to entertain the 5-year-old.
I have friends I spend quite a lot of time with, who have a nearly-5-year-old. She's a delight in smaller doses, but I couldn't sustain the energy and enthusiasm to play with her for hours on end. And I'm in my 40s!
Your MIL banning DS from dinner, sending them home in disgrace, accusing him of being 'moody, petulant, stone faced' etc is outrageous.
I'm 100% on your and your teens' side.

@pikkumyy77 exactly. Post every single detail in a long opening post and you immediately get snarky "not reading that massive essay" responses.

What a nightmare for you! Your poor dc being forced to play with a 5 yr old for days on end. That is too much by anyone’s standards and all your in laws have done is ruined their relationship with their dgc and ruined the relationship between your dc and their cousin. Not bad for one weekend!!
Am v pleased your dh is cross with this parents (you hear so much on here that dh’s are wet blankets!).

I would never have 2 sets of grandchildren at once. For a few hours it is OK. Children should never be expected to look after other children.
I have seen an example of this in my family. The visiting Stepchild was expected to look after the younger child. The younger child was a spoilt brat. The younger child started crying because they were not being entertained and the mother blamed the stepchild who was sitting down reading a book.

I pay my friend's teen good money to entertain my children when I need to wfh. Had them over several times and they're great (but not for longer than a few hours, what older child can tolerate annoying younger kids all day long!).

Your kids should send their grandparents an invoice for their labour.

I will say that I'm replying only to the OP's original message as I haven't read the rest of the thread yet (but will go back and read it).

Based entirely on the opening post, I think the grandparents were massively unreasonable to send them home, particularly if they didn't get any dinner. I would also think it's unreasonable for the grandparents to have taken this position after overhearing a conversation, not hearing the full story. I mean is a teenager not allowed to offload to his/her parents without it coming back to bite them on the arse? Even the stroppy ones?

I think a word needs to be had with the grandparents, who were availing of the youthfulness of your two teenagers to help them look after a boisterous 5 yr old. I guess now they'll have to look after the 5 yr old by themselves. I guess too that they'll be sorry they sent home the teenagers before handing the 5yr old to their respective parent(s).

Your in laws were completely in the wrong. Sounds like they expected your DC to babysit the 5 year old which isnt on so Im not surprised your DC were sick of it.

Id be glad my DC were home again and wouldnt be sending them back there again alone - not that I assume either of them will want to go again anyway.

Next time you all meet up, be clear to your DC, their cousin, SIL, PIL etc that you DC are not babysitters and will stop playing with her when they have had enough.

Why does a 5 year old get to decide how many teenagers play with her? Your teenagers are daft for not just refusing to go along with that. It sounds very dysfunctional, why are their wants/ needs regarded by them and the adults as being less important than a small childs?

I should also add, if I were either of the teenagers, based on how my grandparents treated me, it would be the last time I would go to such an effort to go to visit them. Not a chance I'd be taking trains and cycling such distances to visit people who shoot me home on a whim.

It doesn’t sound like there was anything to do there really that was suitable for their kind of age. Lumping all the grandchildren together with a big age difference is bound to mean the older ones are bored.

I have seen first hand how relentless it can be, so I have full sympathy for my kids. My DD had come back from a cycling holiday,two days of rock climbing and a day of running training before going down (DS all this minus the rock climbing but adding in cricket training) before going there, so they were already a bit weary, and wanted a holiday. It was not to be.