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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 29/08/2023 11:46

From what you've said, your DC were not rude.

It sounds like your SIL dumped her 5yo on ILs and the ILs dumped her on your children.

It's not the 5yo's fault that she has no boundaries or decent bedtime. But it's certainly not your DC's fault or responsibility. The ILs need to say no if they can't cope with her.

Your ILs sound really poisonous. Labelling your DS as 'trouble' is heartbreaking and unforgiveable. And I totally agree that withholding food and excluding him is truly nasty. ILs should be apologising to your DS.

Please never ever send your DC there again. I'd be avoiding seeing them at all for as long as possible.

What does your DH have to say about his parents' vile behaviour?

Scaryghost · 29/08/2023 11:47

Not fair to use dc as childminders basically. Teenagers and little kids don’t mix well for long periods of time. I used to babysit at that age, and a few hours of play in the evening before bed was long enough for me and I really liked kids.

If I was you I wouldn’t send them again on their own, if gp wan to to see them then they can come and visit. I couldn’t put up with childish behaviour from the in-laws.

DanceWithYourBalloon · 29/08/2023 11:48

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:18

When they said they were going into eat, he was told to sit back down again and they ate without him, but he did eat dinner eventually after they had finished.

Other stuff aside, I wouldn't be able to see past this.
Disgusting and abusive.

Lovelydovey · 29/08/2023 11:49

Your PIL (MIL especially) sound very controlling. And she needs to remember that how she treats her grandchildren will impact their relationship with her.

My two teens would have found this horrendous. They are brilliant at amusing their young cousins but, like adults, they need a break too.

If I were in your position I'd hug your children, tell them they have done nothing wrong, and make the most of having them home and spoil them. And I wouldn't let them go to MILs again. I also would stick up for them if MIL carries on about their behaviour.

LakeTiticaca · 29/08/2023 11:50

I don't think your kids did anything wrong.
At their age there is no way I would be entertaining a five year old for hours on end, and neither would I be happy about going to stay at grandparents. Mine lived nextdoor but one to us anyway so never any need. Your MIL sounds like and arse tbh and I wouldn't be sending my kids there again any time soon

Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 11:51

CurlewKate · 29/08/2023 11:46

You have absolutely no idea what exactly went on. 7-10 sounds a bit unbelievable to be honest. When you've been to stay as a family how has it been? I would wait a few days for things to calm down, then try to have sensible conversations with everyone involved before I made any decisions.

Yes, the OP does as her 14 year old son and 13 year old told her, on the balance of probability, coupled with the denial of dinner as punishment and been sent home early as a punishment why would you not believe your children, the evidence is pretty strong. We are not taking about young children that may not understand context relating a story to their parents.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:51

YANBU unless your kid’s behaviour was worse then what they’re letting on.

It sounds as though PIL snapped, either because your kid’s behaviour had been difficult the entire time and the phone call was the straw that broke the camels back or having all 3 of them there was too much for them and they couldn’t cope.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:53

Although it is not fair if your kids were used as babysitters, it’s more likely that the 5 y/o just wouldn’t leave them alone.

As there was 2 of them they could have easily taken in turns having a break and so your DS was BU to say he doesn’t get a break.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2023 11:54

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 11:13

I’d write a very stiff thank you card, thanking them for the visit but saying going forward your children will not be acting as entertainment for their cousin, not have their calls home monitored and critiqued and not be put to bed, so won’t be able to stay independently again. STAND UP FOR THEM and change the narrative. They have been outrageously unkind even if they think they haven’t.

Yes! This. Your poor son! How rude of MIL to eavesdrop and then punish him. This should be called out.

Blanca87 · 29/08/2023 11:55

I would be getting your DH to tear his parents a new one. Utterly disgusting behaviour on their part.

Tinkerbyebye · 29/08/2023 11:55

Dh needs to speak to his parents and tell them they were out of order. The teenage kids were there to see the grandparents not act as unpaid babysittters

I would not be sending them again and pil can make the effort to come and see the.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 11:56

Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 11:51

Yes, the OP does as her 14 year old son and 13 year old told her, on the balance of probability, coupled with the denial of dinner as punishment and been sent home early as a punishment why would you not believe your children, the evidence is pretty strong. We are not taking about young children that may not understand context relating a story to their parents.

Show quote history

And 7-10 sounds absolutely believable to me having just come back from a holiday with friends were the dynamic was similar. Woke up every day to the young one screaming, they would bust in to my teenagers and 12 year old's room despite being told they were not to go in when the door was closed as it is private. They adored my two and hassled them to play with them the whole day. As it was the holidays we were out and about with them in restaurants (as the med) and they were therefore playing with them later than 10 at the table. My two were absolutely exhausted on return as was I as the kids found out whole family to play with more exciting than their parents who like the OP's in laws either knowingly or unknowingly had childcare sorted!

OIiviaa · 29/08/2023 11:56

It's a hard one to comment on as we don't know the back story. You say yourself DS is difficult, he heard his GPs discussing him being difficult so the maths says he was being difficult. Sounds like a win win that they are back home, I wouldn't stress it.

OMG12 · 29/08/2023 11:57

Your MIL sounds batshit tbh. What a way to ruin her relationship with her grandchildren. Let her flounce. I don’t think your kids were unreasonable at all. If your DS has ADHD he will have felt overwhelmed. Your MIL is the one whole should be apologising.

Reassure your kids esp your DS. Limit MIL contact - who the fuck punishes a kid by withholding a meal???

Hummingbird89 · 29/08/2023 11:57

Do your PIL favour the 5 year old? Sounds like it!
Honestly I would be fucking furious if my children were treated this way, and I would be telling the grandparents in no uncertain terms. My kids would never visit again and neither would I.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 29/08/2023 11:57

Your PIL sound ghastly. I agree getting the other side would be useful but it sounds like your MIL was being immature so I dont know why your DS should apologise.

If it were my son though I'd leave it a few days and ask him nicely to mend the bridge. Make it clear to him you have his back and wont be going back for a visit without you ever again (and ideally no visit even if its with you)

Ask him to write a letter to his grandparents thanking them for a lovely holiday and that he's sorry the last day was spoilt (not that he spoilt it!!). I bet your parents will read into it what they need to and no bad blood will be left. Stick the letter in the post and say no more.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 29/08/2023 11:58

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:53

Although it is not fair if your kids were used as babysitters, it’s more likely that the 5 y/o just wouldn’t leave them alone.

As there was 2 of them they could have easily taken in turns having a break and so your DS was BU to say he doesn’t get a break.

It's neither of the kids problem to be making sure the 5 year old had someone to play with all the time though. That's not why they went there.

midlifecrash · 29/08/2023 11:59

Perhaps just say to DS that poor Nanna gets overwrought when things don’t happen exactly as she’s imagined them - as you say she’s done this kind of thing before. That’s not his fault

Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 11:59

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 11:53

Although it is not fair if your kids were used as babysitters, it’s more likely that the 5 y/o just wouldn’t leave them alone.

As there was 2 of them they could have easily taken in turns having a break and so your DS was BU to say he doesn’t get a break.

Either way the adults should intervene and ask them to leave the teenagers alone. My experience on holiday was that no the little ones do not take it in turns with the attention and with my 12 year old we had to intervene to put those boundaries in place as she was getting very emotionally worn out being pestered and at 12 needed her time away from them. Even if they had DS they would go and look for DD so I don't think that is always the case.

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2023 12:00

Golden bear don’t take this the wrong way but why on earth did you go away with those friends? Just had brilliant holiday with teens doing adult / teen fun things choosing to be foisted with other peoples primary aged kids seems bizarre!

deveronvalley · 29/08/2023 12:00

Ah I feel sorry for your DS, just try and have a laugh with him about grumpy granny, see if you can lighten it up a bit. It sounds like a disaster all round.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 12:01

The 5yr old wouldn't leave them alone yes, she wanted both of them to play with her at the same time. So they couldn't take turns.

DH is utterly furious at his parents - mostly his mum and also his dad who went along with everything. Their relationship was already strained as there was a previous thing whether they came up to look after the kids so we can have a weekend off, and they left early and didn't tell us they were going, and as we had workmen coming to the house, we had to rush home because we didn't want the kids alone with workmen in the house, so it curtailed our trip. Bearing in mind, they have only looked after the kids a handful of times in 14yrs, it was a rare occurence, and they couldn't even give us a full weekend off. My parents don't look after the kids either as they are far away and too old.

I think now DH will be NC with his parents for this for quite a while. It was me who was instigating contact with them. He spoke to his father yesterday and said how unreasonable they were.

Yes, we told the kids they aren't to blame and it's their GPs loss, and not to worry about it.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 29/08/2023 12:01

Your in-laws sound like a complete nightmare , don’t send the kids down there again unless you are present . Frankly the in-laws are going the right way to having no relationship with their grandchildren and that will be their loss not your childrens .

MrsMiddleMother · 29/08/2023 12:03

Your poor teenagers. Your PILs sound like arseholes and I would go mad if it was my kids who were treated like that. Teenagers shouldn't be made to play with 5 year olds for hours every day when they went to visit their grandparents and to be denied eating dinner with everyone else is disgusting. No way would I allow anyone to treat my kids like that and think it's OK.

Rosiem2808 · 29/08/2023 12:03

Apart from the drip feeding which is not acceptable since it makes me question the validity of OP's story (sorry but it does), I think the PIL's were using the teenagers as babysitters since they cannot cope with the 5 year old for long periods of time.
I have a 5 year old grandson who is full on and hard work at times. When he stays with me I do things with him and do not expect my 12 year old grandson to babysit since the young one gets on his nerves a lot.

This is what family is all about really. Most of the time we have fun but sometimes it is stressful and this I think is what the grandparents were suffering from when the older children arrived and they shifted that stress onto them.
It looks like they need to sort the parents of the 5 year old out and say no now and again to babysitting for days on end.