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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:57

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 10:55

That sounds extreme. Which either means their behaviour was unacceptably poor or that their grandparents are unreasonable people. You know your kids and you know their grandparents, which do you think is the most likely?

I reckon 20% bad behaviour from DS and 80% mishandling of the situation by my PILS, knowing both parties.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 29/08/2023 10:58

Your poor DC. Your ILs are totally unreasonable and I would be telling them just that. I would not send DC there again unsupervised.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/08/2023 10:58

I think the grandparents were unreasonable. Was dropping them at the station discussed with you? It see a very callous. Of course, you don't know exactly how bad their behaviour was but nothing you gave mentioned deserves that level of punishment. Banning him from dinner for talking about his feeling to his parents!

My 13 yo DD likes playing with her younger sibling and cousins but also NEEDS time on her own. We're a family of introverts and having to be constantly with others, particularly if expected to entertain them, leads to stress, being over emotional, tempers etc. We've been telling my 8 year old from a young age that his sister loves him but needs some alone time now and then she'll feel more like playing later. He mostly gets that, even if he is disappointed. It sounds like the grandparents weren't willing to step in to facilitate that for the older ones, possibly because they are finding the 5 year old hard work themselves?

Lesson learned, don't send them all together again. It doesn't work for anyone.

ImABox · 29/08/2023 10:58

Used as free baby sitters and that’s cruel sending them home like that. Is there a huge back story and you need to reduce contact?

Acrasia · 29/08/2023 11:00

Show she got annoyed with him for saying he needed a break from the five year olds behaviour, but she throws them both out to get a break from his behaviour…. what a hypocrite. Is the cousin’s parent the golden child?

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:01

Yes they were meant to dropped off at the station, it's two trains with a tube change over in London, and they were accompanied on the tube and local train by FIL both ways, so I was unreasonable in suggesting that they were dropped of just like that! It was more the time, and coming home at nearly their bedtime.

OP posts:
PhantomUnicorn · 29/08/2023 11:02

it isnt 'bad behaviour' to be tired, upset, and fed up of playing with a 5yo when you're being used as a babysitter.

Nor is it fair of your MIL to punish your kids for something said to their mum in a private phonecall.

I wouldn't be sending my kids there again and i'd be expecting DH to be having words with his parents.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/08/2023 11:02

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:54

I know!!

On the second night, after my DH told them to put the 5yr old to bed by 8pm so that our ones would have some quiet time before their own bedtime, the in-laws put MY kids to bed at 8.30pm and lights off at 8.40pm whilst their cousin was downstairs watching TV till late!

Yes, MIL has form for petulant behaviour, often flounces off when things aren't going well, without actually dealing with it properly. So I can understand what happened in this instance.

Show quote history

Ok, the more you write the worse the grandparents sound. Your DC have been punished for not being perfect robots who are happy to do things however grandparents want and look happy about it.. making them go to bed early because DH offered a constructive suggestion is petty. On reflection they are not suitable people for your DC to stay with without you.

ApathyMartha · 29/08/2023 11:03

My in-laws believe that children have to be occupied all the time (but not on screens) and don’t understand that everyone needs a break/ downtime. Wouldn’t we all from 15 hours of entertaining a 5 year old. It’s very much a one way direction in terms of who benefits from it and who it’s for.

meatyryvita · 29/08/2023 11:03

I may be missing something but it doesn't sound like they misbehaved? It's okay to say that you need a break and to not enjoy playing with a 5 year old all day. They articulated that to you in a private phone call and are entitled to do so - it sounds like the grandparents were out of line to me tbh.

CrapBucket · 29/08/2023 11:04

Lessons learned-

For your teen, never say something on the phone that could be interpreted as negative, that you don’t want overheard. Text message would have been safer (just check before you send that it is definitely going to the right person)

For your in-laws, don’t take responsibility for so many kids at once. Teenagers often seem hard work and miserable when they are ok but just want to be left alone. It’s like they all have resting bitch face tbh.

heldinadream · 29/08/2023 11:04

Grandparents failed to adult is what seems to have happened here. Pretty poor on their part OP.

You gonna say anything or not worth it? Make sure your kids know it's not their fault. I speak as a grandparent BTW. Cannot imagine behaving like this.

2Rebecca · 29/08/2023 11:04

It sounds like they won't be visiting their grandparents unaccompanied again. What was the purpose of the visit? It doesn't sound like it was doing stuff with their grandparents. In future the grandparents need to decide which set of grandchildren they have visiting and not expect older children to babysit little ones for more than the odd half hour

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 11:06

Yes, your in-laws were being unfair on your teenagers by expecting them to play with a 5-year-old the whole time! You say grandparents plural, so presumably it's MIL and FIL? Two adults should be able to entertain their own 5-year-old grandchild without expecting two teenagers to be playing with her non-stop. They're not babysitters. Sure, entertaining a little one can be fun in short bursts but it gets very boring very quickly.

I get that teenagers can be a bit moody at times, but their grandparents should know that and allow for it, just like they'd allow for a five-year-old to be a bit excitable. And it sounds like your kids had every reason to be pissed off.

NewName122 · 29/08/2023 11:06

Never send them again. They were purely there to babysit. When they complained they got sent home. That's not what grandparents are supposed to be like. What teen wants to play with a 5 year old continuously. None.

hettie · 29/08/2023 11:06

Op you and your kids don't sound at massive fault here. Do the in-laws not know how to "use their words"? They just needed to communicate what they didn't like, ask for the behaviour they wanted and uphold their end of the bargain (by you know stepping in with the 5yr old).

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 11:06

Not only were the grandparents using your kids as all-day childcare for the 5yo, they were letting the 5yo stay up until 10pm. Madness.
Sounds like the GPs had no intention of taking the kids out or doing anything nice with them.
I can't see any evidence of bad behaviour by your kids.
4 days is too much if the GPs have no intention of taking their grandchildren out or entertaining them. I wouldn't send them again, would be challenging MIL about the "bad behaviour" and telling her that she isn't fair to make them look after a 5yo all day every day.

Ellie1015 · 29/08/2023 11:06

Sounds like a rubbish visit.

I guess the grandparents pander to 5 year old for a quiet life which is why she was up later than teens. Very unfair on teens to make them entertain 5 year old the whole time and really unfair to send home early. I would have felt terrible overhearing grandson not enjoying playing and be trying to rescue the visit and have him enjoy last day.

I wouldnt want them to visit alone again and for any group meet ups tell teens they should play with cousin for a bit but after 20mins or so they can politely stop. "Thanks for playing with me cousin but i am going to sit down for a bit now" then "might play again after dinner" if she whinges about it.

5 year old imaganitve play is torture if not in the mood. They are old enough to be told no.

user1492757084 · 29/08/2023 11:06

Sounds like their grandparents were hugely tired and crotchety. All going to bed at 10:00 pm!
The grandparents, if they also kept those hours, would have been exhausted.
It sounds like the 5 years old was over active and and any opinionated teenager was too much for impatient Granny.
I would be upset that they were sent home early too.

Your children must be so happy to be home but I bet they want to go again!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/08/2023 11:07

You said the 5 year old lives closer to the inlaws. I'm going to hazard a guess and say she sees them a lot and they are totally baffled as to why your teenagers don't adore her as much as they do and can't understand why they wouldn't want to spend every waking moment with said golden child?

Andthereyougo · 29/08/2023 11:08

But it wasn’t bad behaviour, your children were merely stating their opinions. Your dc were being used as childminders for a 5 year old. I wouldn’t want to play with a 5 year old all day, why would a teen?
Your in laws were very unreasonable and shouldn’t have punished your kids for standing up for themselves and not being doormats.

Saschka · 29/08/2023 11:08

I just wouldn’t send them again, accompanied or otherwise. GP can come to you, or meet on neutral turf.

Hemax1 · 29/08/2023 11:09

I think the trip was non starter from the word go. If the grandparents live a number of hours away and don’t get to spend much quality time with your dad and ds, then it should have been their time with their grandparents … so the addition of a 5 year old for the full time wasn’t going to end well.

Also sounds like the grandparents expectations of what to do with teens for 4 days are way out … babysitting a 5 year old full on for 4 days is not on. What about their time with their grandparents or things they would like to do. IF this was going to happen then boundaries need to be put in place with the 5 year old that their cousins CAN’T play with them 24 /7 (but that requires some actual input from the carers of all of them ).

Finally punishing the teens for not being happy at the situation they’ve been placed in and expected to suck up is awful. I assume the 5 year old was allowed to stay.

unfortunately I think there are some hard conversations resulting from this mess to be had with the grandparents. The kids reacted to the situation that they were placed in - which was wholly inappropriate for them - whilst they were supposed to be spending quality time with their grandparents. I assume that very little of what actually was going to happen was communicated to you prior to them leaving.

GCWorkNightmare · 29/08/2023 11:10

crosstalk · 29/08/2023 10:51

What 5 year old is up until 10pm? That sounds hell on earth.

Mine was, but she wasn’t up at 7am! (She slept midnight till noon as a baby/toddler - she has 2 owls for parents so wasn’t an issue for us.)

BungleandGeorge · 29/08/2023 11:11

Grandparents sound awful. They withheld dinner from your son? They used their guests as babysitters? They punished them with an early bed time? They sent them back in the evening at a time they hadn’t planned for? Did they have money for food? If you’re going to invite children to stay ypu really have to be willing to act in the parental role. 5 year olds often love older children and make an absolute nuisance of themselves, an adult needs to step in and sort the situation out