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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
RamblingRosieLee · 29/08/2023 22:50

Exactly op, you know your dc you can see when they need help and can't say.. Can we have a break.

Don't send them again.

The gp I think have behaved very badly..
Oh well! Your dc are older now and won't want to go again so I guess.... That's that

Erdinger · 30/08/2023 02:02

I feel very sorry for your children. Hopefully they can just relax at home . Honestly I don’t know why you and your SIL thought it was a good idea to include the 5 year old during their stay. It’s too much for everyone , including the GPs

DonnaBanana · 30/08/2023 04:04

Your in laws sound terrible. I’d let your kids decide if they want to visit them again at their age. I wouldn’t blame your son for avoiding them after this outburst.

VestaTilley · 30/08/2023 06:37

Impossible to know if you weren’t there.

On one hand it might be complete overkill by tired GPs, on another your DCs might have been well and truly sulky or rude.

Only you know deep down how your DC behave. No, they shouldn’t have had to look after a 5 year old for days, on the other hand we don’t know exactly what was being asked of them.

Mom2two98 · 30/08/2023 08:25

I feel very strongly that you are NOT being unreasonable! Your child called you to confide in you and was then told off for doing this, denied dinner and then kicked out.
do not send your child to environment again

Spottywombat · 30/08/2023 10:11

What sort of parents were the Pil to your DH when he was that age?

Original poster
DataColour · 30/08/2023 16:23

Thanks for all your replies.

I really thought SIL would be there too, I guess I should have checked.

DH says they were the kind of parents who didn't really do much with kids. His sister just watched TV most of the time and he remember being bored a lot. He says that they have never taken him to the park to play, no board games etc. They think that kids should be sat down, not making a mess. He remembers being taken to stately homes and antique shops and being bored out of his brains. Although they did go on foreign and UK holiday at least once a year which was fun. They were loving parents, but just not very hands on with the kids.

Apparently they kids weren't allowed to text me or DH without MIL in the same room, and were accused of tittle tattling to us 😮

OP posts:
MeridianB · 30/08/2023 16:39

Apparently they kids weren't allowed to text me or DH without MIL in the same room, and were accused of tittle tattling to us 😮

This is the behaviour of someone who has something to hide. What an appalling woman.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/08/2023 17:00

DataColour · 29/08/2023 15:36

Yes, I think so, no more holidays down there for the kids, alone at least.

They like grandparenting during the good bits, taking them out for meals etc but can't seem to handle the day to day.

But you can never tell them, or give any tips or advice regarding the kids, as we always get told "We have brought up 3 children you know".

I agree that being a grandparent is about the good bits - that is absolutely fine - there should be absolutely no expectation of a grandparent doing the difficult bits.

But that isn't the issue in this case and they behaved badly. And so did your SIL, expecting your kids to babysit her child.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 30/08/2023 18:11

Well, they wanted to come home anyway so no harm done. Mine if a similar age would give a 5yr old about an hour a day and then be bored. I think DS was telling the truth - they were supposed to be the entertainment for little cousin. Don’t give it a second thought, they were fed up and wanted to come home, and they came home. End of.,

Thinking2022 · 30/08/2023 18:34

I am so sorry this happened. It is pretty outrageous behaviour by your in laws.

heatherheathe · 30/08/2023 18:45

I don't think your ds (or dd) were unreasonable at all - I wouldn't be impressed at being expected to provide 15hours free entertainment every day to a 5 year old on my holidays, let alone a teenager, and having travelled all that way.

Saying that the overall outcome seems like it's worked out perfectly - if gp hadn't thrown their toys out of the pram you'd be the bad guys when the dc (understandably!) don't want to visit again but as it is, next time gp moan about not seeing the gc you've got a cast iron get out of jail free card - "well last time they travelled 6 hours to see you you shouted at them, refused ds dinner and said they couldn't visit again, so if you want to see them you know where we live."

axolotlfloof · 30/08/2023 19:08

I am amazed your teens want to go there.
I doubt they will want to go again to stay alone. They are old enough to choose.

Smilencuddlesthenstab · 30/08/2023 20:14

my parents did the same thing to my two teenage nieces. My SIL sent a simple 3 line text saying she was unhappy with they way they dealt with the situation.
my parents reply was a 3 page email listing EVERYTHING that my DB, MIL and nieces have done wrong in their eyes. Even going back to my DB’s childhood. They have also been written out of the will which is quite substantial.
my parents expect them (Including my nieces) to come back grovelling with apologies.
It’s been 4 years of no contact. If it comes up in conversation my parents standard line is ‘we have done nothing wrong’
they are narcissist in its truest form and I am love bombed and bullied every time I see them. I take it be because I don’t want to receive a similar email which is classic narcissistic injury.

the sad fact is you’ll NEVER change a narcissist nor get them to see how awful they are because their ego’s are so fragile. Ironic

HulaChick · 30/08/2023 20:54

The 5 year old needs to learn her place in the pecking order & learn & respect the boundaries of her older cousins. Ofcourse your two teens,should be kind & play with her but she also needs to realise that they are older and will need some time for themselves. The grandparents should have been teaching her that. Too many little kids grow up being constantly entertained & grow up to think the world revolves around them & they become very entitled. I'm sorry your son shouldered the blame, although if HD was being rude then he should be picked up on it. Seems an extreme reaction to send them home way & I hope it doesn't damage their relationship with their grandparents. Not exactly teaching them perspective or proportion.

pollymere · 30/08/2023 23:02

I'd be livid. Your kids went to spend time with their grandparents and ended up doing 24 hour childcare. When your DS rang to tell you, your MIP punished him and then sent them home early!

Having read on about them being put to bed unreasonably early time means whilst the cousin stayed up makes me wonder how they view your kids.

How you move forward is tricky. Perhaps point out that they made a long journey to spend time with GP and ended up taking care of their cousin instead which made them feel sad and unwanted other than for free labour.

Your kids are old enough now to judge people harshly and this trip may mean they will have no future desire to see them at all.

Original poster
DataColour · 30/08/2023 23:54

I did message by MIL about it, initially thinking perhaps DS was in the wrong, as he can be difficult sometimes. The message I got back from MIL was that he was petulant and a nightmare, ruined the day, made her cry etc etc. But DD said once she was home, that DS did nothing wrong and they were vile to him. I believe her version as she would be the first to land him right in it, if he was in anyway to blame! The phone call that DS spoke to me on was initially DD, upset and asking when she's coming back, so at that point I knew that she was overtired and emotional, she gets like that.

Anyway, I sent another message to MIL, saying what DD said, a lot more besides....got no answer. I also sent a message to SIL explaining the situation, but no reply. DH sent a similar message to his brother but no reply. Oh well.
SIL wouldn't want to rock the boat with her parents as they provide childcare, and BIL is very attached to his mum, will not tolerate any negativity towards her. God help any future partners of his!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 31/08/2023 00:04

I wouldn't waste my time trying to get anything out of these people. They will never say they were wrong.

I simply cannot understand grandparents like this. My own parents doted on their grandchildren. I once gave out a bit - nothing much - to ds (not unreasonably) and my dad left the room. I asked my mum what was wrong with him and she said "well he just can't stand to hear you give out to that absolutely lovely boy"

MirabelMadrigal · 31/08/2023 03:00

OP I feel sorry for your kids, especially your son. Imagine MIL having a go at him and then BIL piling on and it was just him and his SIS. I for one would be glad they were sent home a day early and they definitely would not be going again

Sugarfree23 · 31/08/2023 06:36

Op I wouldn't waste more time on it either. At least his sister has his back when needed. Your kids won't want to go back and visit, with or without you.

Grandparents have made their bed, they were given a chance to build relationships with the kids and blew it. Let the dust settle and keep your distance and see them once in a blue moon.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 31/08/2023 06:42

Well, they wanted to come home anyway so no harm done

Except there is harm done. Because of the MIL's behaviour it has affected the whole family dynamics, with everyone taking sides. The teens will be adults soon and it wouldn't surprise me if they cool off their relationship with granny now. Kids remember these things. My gran was an ogre when I was a child and I didn't bother with her once I was old enough to have a choice.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2023 14:14

@DataColour

Well, their silence is speaking volumes, isn't it? Just leave them to themselves. They're no loss to your little family.

JudgeRudy · 01/09/2023 06:59

I'm interested in why your son seems to be getting the brunt of the 'blame' when it was actually your daughter that first said she'd had enough. Could the issue be that issue be that your son had/was being all ghe things the GPs said? Also did little cousin overhear him saying he'd had enough?

It sounds like coming home was the right thing to do. As others have said, it does sound like the GPs had unrealistic expectations and wanted everyone to 'play together nicely' for 4 days. Ultimately though from your side, l'm assuming the visit was for pleasure, not childcare for you. The visit was no longer pleasurable so coming home seemed the right outcome.

Newusernaming · 01/09/2023 08:39

Your inlaws remind me of my own gp. Controlling and demanding, used me for enteraining their guests, insulted over small matters. The difference is that my parents were also irresponsible, and uncaring to me, and I had to live with my grandparents for a few years and it has fucked me up mentally. Some posters do not understand that gps can do harm too because they were lucky to have loving and caring GPS. Op protect your kids.