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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 29/08/2023 10:37

Two teenagers are never going to be best friends with a 5 year old, so, whatever anyone would like to happen, expecting it to is unrealistic. Especially if the 5 year old is more like a toddler (presume there are some SN involved?)

That said, it does sound as though the boy was behaving pretty badly towards his grandparents.

Also very possible that having 3 kids staying is a bit much. I'm not a grandparent but wouldn't want it tbh.

So, 6 of one and half a dozen of the other really.

VeloVixen · 29/08/2023 10:41

I bet the grandparents were finding it too much and subconsciously pinned the blame on your kids as an excuse for ending it. Not fair on your kids but possibly done without intention?

Weatherwax134 · 29/08/2023 10:43

It's a tough one because you weren't there to see how it all really went down. My gut says I agree with you- it would have been nice for them to make the best of it until home-time. However, if I try and put myself in their shoes, they're human too (and they've done their time of 'sticking it out' with their own children), and whatever happened, made them feel angry and frustrated. I've just done a holiday where my DS13 was quite mopey and whingy, and there were times I could have happily sent him packing on a train if possible :)
They felt the teens were safe to get home and decided to just call time on the trip. Perhaps it's a learning curve for everyone that having the teens and the 5 year old just isn't working, they perhaps would prefer to just have one age group at a time, so the trip can be more fun.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:43

I can't remember what typical 5yr old behaviour is like, but she is constantly wanting them to play with her both of them together, so it's not like they can take turns.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 29/08/2023 10:44

Not excusing teenage petulant behaviour if that was the case, but were the GP using your kids as babysitters for the little one? If they were expected to do that the whole time without a break I think it could have become pretty wearing.

IVFbeenverylucky · 29/08/2023 10:45

It sounds like they wanted your children to look after the 5 year old which is not on. They are still children too, even if mopey teenage ones :).

Iknowthis1 · 29/08/2023 10:46

Sounds like your kids were being used as babysitters.

I wouldn't send them again. They're too old to be expected to 'play' like little kids.

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 10:46

I totally hated as a teen having to entertain much younger cousins. It's relentless and totally thankless, because the adults nominally in charge get all the credit.

It sounds like your in laws took your kids for granted. She blew up partly out of guilt knowing she should have been entertaining the kid herself.

I wouldn't say anything to the in laws but I wouldn't send the kids there again for a long while

3dogsandarabbit · 29/08/2023 10:47

That's what most 5 year olds are like. That's too big an age gap expecting teenagers and a 5 year old to "play" together.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:47

Yes, I think they were used as babysitters. Although, they do love her and love playing with her, they weren't sent there to carer for her all the time. I thought my SIL would be there too. In the past I've had to intervene when my DD was showing signs that she's had enough and taken DD way at bedtime for some quiet time. They were up with her till 10pm playing!!

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 10:48

Anyway, dropping them back home early sounds like a win-win outcome, I bet your kids were so relieved to be back home

andyourpointiswhat · 29/08/2023 10:48

If the 5yo was also staying I would say there was a strong expectation from the start that your kids would be doing the entertaining which is really unfair. I’ll bet they were never asked. I am all for calling out rudeness or bad behaviour but I think it was really mean to send your kids home. I would imagine it was partly because the grandparents found having everyone staying overwhelming so they made a weak excuse to get rid of two.

Hufflepods · 29/08/2023 10:49

It really depends on their behaviour. I can't imagine the grandparents sent them home over one single overheard comment.

In general though yes, I think it is fair enough to cut a stay short if kids are really misbehaving.

Clymene · 29/08/2023 10:49

So they were cycling home in the dark?

I'd be really pissed off about this. You get kicked out for really egregious behaviour, not for being a bit fed up of being a babysitter for a 5 year old.

notlucreziaborgia · 29/08/2023 10:50

It sounds fairly miserable for them tbh, so going home early worked in their favour.

it sounds like the grandparents expected your kids to occupy the 5 year old so they wouldn’t have to, and they’re annoyed that neither one loved the idea. I don’t think your kids are unreasonable for having an issue with this either.

pilates · 29/08/2023 10:50

I suppose if you’re not there it’s hard to know what it was like for your DC. The MIL should have taken on board that two teenagers aren’t going to want to play with a 5 year old 24/7. Your MIL’s behaviour sounds poor is she always like this?

Baldieheid · 29/08/2023 10:50

I wouldn't like to be left to entertain a 5 year old for my entire holiday, so why should two teenagers like it? 5 year old can be relentless, and I'm not sure I'd know how to handle that now, never mind at 14.

Teenagers are still kids themselves. Yes, they can be stroppy and moody.

I think coming home early is fair enough. Being ticked off for not enjoying a 5 year old is not.

crosstalk · 29/08/2023 10:51

What 5 year old is up until 10pm? That sounds hell on earth.

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 10:52

Are they glad to be back or are they upset to have been kicked out? Either way, the GP were unreasonable for the expectation of babysitting and for flipping their lid at an overheard grumble.

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:54

crosstalk · 29/08/2023 10:51

What 5 year old is up until 10pm? That sounds hell on earth.

I know!!

On the second night, after my DH told them to put the 5yr old to bed by 8pm so that our ones would have some quiet time before their own bedtime, the in-laws put MY kids to bed at 8.30pm and lights off at 8.40pm whilst their cousin was downstairs watching TV till late!

Yes, MIL has form for petulant behaviour, often flounces off when things aren't going well, without actually dealing with it properly. So I can understand what happened in this instance.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 29/08/2023 10:55

Your parents were definitely being unreasonable. It sounds like your kids had far more patience than most teens would.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 10:55

That sounds extreme. Which either means their behaviour was unacceptably poor or that their grandparents are unreasonable people. You know your kids and you know their grandparents, which do you think is the most likely?

Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:55

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 10:52

Are they glad to be back or are they upset to have been kicked out? Either way, the GP were unreasonable for the expectation of babysitting and for flipping their lid at an overheard grumble.

Funnily enough, DS who was the difficult one, is hurt at being turfed out like that as he feels victimised. DD is relieved to be back home!

OP posts:
Miragelifeguard · 29/08/2023 10:56

I have the same situation with my teen/tween DC and younger cousin of the same age… agree with others, sounds like your DC were expected to babysit… kids that age can be annoying, it’s not your DC job to look after her, if this was the case then I think GPs were out of order, they should be looking out for/after your DC too.
There can also be a bit of a shock for the GPs with kids use of phones/moody teens if they’ve not seen them recently. Again, this needs a bit of give and take… DC should be polite and well behaved but GPs need to recognise they are older/in a different phase and treat them accordingly.
I’d be annoyed and not send them again, sounds like a rubbish way to spend their hols and a a great way for the GPs to ruin their relationship with your DCs sadly.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 10:56

X post. So not your kids then.