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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 29/08/2023 08:44

Taking into consideration the things I would do for £1m, gritting my teeth through shitty comments from in laws would be one of the easy ones!

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 08:45

I'd just go hehe that old chestnut and carry on

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 08:46

This isn't about the in laws. Its about you and dh having different values.

He doesn't "need" to work as he has an income without working. I sense you are uncomfortable with that as a moral (?) issue.

It's a fundamental incompatibility of values.

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 08:48

Of course, it may be that I'm reading it the wrong way around. It's not clear what exactly your disagreement is as your thread title seems not to match your fifth paragraph.

Are you saying inheriting money is morally OK but being gifted isn't? I'm not following the logic

ConnieTucker · 29/08/2023 08:51

Flamingogirl08 · 29/08/2023 08:44

Taking into consideration the things I would do for £1m, gritting my teeth through shitty comments from in laws would be one of the easy ones!

Yes. Absolutely.

madeinmanc · 29/08/2023 08:52

Give it to me if you don't want it, please!

poorbuthappy · 29/08/2023 08:52

Hang on they're ok with DH not working because of MH and happy to fund that but are asking you how you'll cope in old age as he doesn't have a pension? Apols if I've misunderstood

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:56

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 08:48

Of course, it may be that I'm reading it the wrong way around. It's not clear what exactly your disagreement is as your thread title seems not to match your fifth paragraph.

Are you saying inheriting money is morally OK but being gifted isn't? I'm not following the logic

Sorry, this is what I'm struggling with myself. I don't really think either of it is morally OK. And if my husband would just be the 'sit on his arse and take the money' type of person, I would feel even worse about it. But he really has tried to make his career work and is devastated that he has been such a disappointment (his words). Just has really struggled MH wise. I'm sorry, I do find it hard to articulate how I really feel about it all as I have so many conflicted feelings.

OP posts:
fortifiedwithtea · 29/08/2023 08:56

The fact that your husband is an only child is very telling. I am an only child and I think what you’re getting at is a situation that have found myself in.

Its like they are making you feel infantile. Here take this money because you are too child like to make your own wealth. I’m going to give you this massive handout and judge and criticise how you spend it.

Am I close to what you are feeling ?

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:57

poorbuthappy · 29/08/2023 08:52

Hang on they're ok with DH not working because of MH and happy to fund that but are asking you how you'll cope in old age as he doesn't have a pension? Apols if I've misunderstood

This is exactly it.

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 08:58

Diamond shoes too tight? FFS, I can’t believe you’re on here moaning about it. Do you realise how many people would love to have even a fifth or a tenth of that? Give it away if it would make you feel better.

Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 08:58

Well have they sorted inheritance tax -I think it’s 40% over ? 300,000. Care Home fees for 2 could be a million if they choose somewhere posh.
Have you both got full pension contributions?
I think they recommend 2mill now for a comfortable retirement.
Stick it somewhere safe - ISA/ premium bonds, saving bank, stocks and shares and get on with your life.
But also say thanks so much.

minipie · 29/08/2023 08:59

Well you could put a large chunk of the £1m into a pension for DH and that would deal with some of the comments…Maybe they are trying to ensure you both still make responsible financial choices despite the gift??

However in reality I think the gift is a red herring. If they’re the type to make annoying comments about your financial choices, they were always going to do that, regardless of gifts. At least this way it comes with a nice sweetener…

crumpet · 29/08/2023 09:00

I suppose you don’t have to spend it do you - tuck it away, forget about it to the extent possible and carry on as you were.

Mumsmet · 29/08/2023 09:01

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

Oh my, read the room! So many people reading this will be struggling financially, yet you appear to want sympathy for being gifted vast wealth?

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 09:02

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:56

Sorry, this is what I'm struggling with myself. I don't really think either of it is morally OK. And if my husband would just be the 'sit on his arse and take the money' type of person, I would feel even worse about it. But he really has tried to make his career work and is devastated that he has been such a disappointment (his words). Just has really struggled MH wise. I'm sorry, I do find it hard to articulate how I really feel about it all as I have so many conflicted feelings.

Show quote history

I just disagree quite strongly with your "sit on his arse and take the money" viewpoint - that's ok, we all have different views and no one is right or wrong - my point is, I wouldn't marry you as our viewpoints aren't in alignment.

My view is that there's no need to do conventional work if you don't need the money. You can contribute to society in some other way, and I don't mean volunteering either, even just sitting at home and writing song lyrics, whatever. Not everyone would agree with me, and that's ok. We all have different views.

I'm back to my first opinion which is that you and your dh have fundamentally incompatible values. Nothing to do with your ILs, that's a distraction to the main issue. You disapprove of your DH's values on this.

ZadocPDederick · 29/08/2023 09:03

Is your husband going to get a qualification that enables him to go into a career he wants? If so that seems a very sensible investment and presumably means he will have at least some pension? In fact, you could of course invest some of the money into a pension so you can tell them that's all sorted.

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2023 09:04

What hard graft did your in-laws do to get to that position? None of this makes sense tbh. What was your DHs yearly allowance from them? Like everyone else he'll have to "cut his cloth" and get on with it. Surely he just switches his investment to something risk free to have that as a pension pot?

MushMonster · 29/08/2023 09:04

Take the money. Say million thanks.
Hopefully your husband will pick up this time and get himself a job, any job.
The only real problem here is your husband not having a job, his mental health and that he is ok with living off his parents money. Not your in-laws. It is a husband problem.

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:05

fortifiedwithtea · 29/08/2023 08:56

The fact that your husband is an only child is very telling. I am an only child and I think what you’re getting at is a situation that have found myself in.

Its like they are making you feel infantile. Here take this money because you are too child like to make your own wealth. I’m going to give you this massive handout and judge and criticise how you spend it.

Am I close to what you are feeling ?

Yes, that's part of it.

OP posts:
humbuq · 29/08/2023 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/08/2023 09:07

Oh I just knew there would be a read the room comment already! 😀

Sparkletastic · 29/08/2023 09:07

Could you cut it off with 'We've invested your generous gift in a pension plan for DH. As you know he is studying hard and I know you will join me in fully supporting him in this.' Resolutely ignore any comments about shampoo or the quality of the loo roll you are using.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/08/2023 09:07

Have you bought a house already or are you only able to do so with their money? Being able to retire in 5 years in your 40s is unusual, especially when one of you doesn’t work. What has he retrained as?

making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc

To that, I would say-‘I work full time, I can buy the shampoo I like’.

HarlanPepper · 29/08/2023 09:08

are you fucking shitting me.

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