To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

[HiltonKeynes]

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

And yet you still post a thread complaining about receiving 1 million plus. Makes me queasy.

OP YANBU. I would hate to be in this situation and no way would I want to be financially tied to a man in your DH's situation and his family.

Is this post a wind up? As someone else has posted, inheritance tax will take quite a bite out of a million and even ordinary, less wealthy, people can find a financial advisor who will give sound advice on what to do with a windfall. I could suggest someone!!! Weird use of a public forum.

Absolutely this.
It's akin to telling people who post that they are struggling to pay their rent, that they are lucky to have a roof over their heads (and I have been homeless).
Having money doesn't make you worry free, it's a cliché but it doesn't buy you happiness either. A friend had her life ruined by a surprise windfall.

Is any of it in your name?

After all, it seems your first thoughts are 'I can retire', rather than 'this gives us breathing space for him to actually get a decent job and pension'.

Seems like they're expecting him to burn through it and be back to square one for the next 30 to 40 years.

Urgh. Quote fail.

I'd much rather have a lot of money than very little, but knowing what to do with alot of money can be a bit of a mind fuck.

Same lol! I would just smile politely, grit my teeth and crack on. The best part of 1 million would change my life and that of my children so much for the better, (and sounds like it would enable your husband to study, retrain and help with his MH) I can't imagine never really having to worry about a bill again or getting the house of my dreams mortgage free.

Seriously OP I know its mildly bruising on the old ego but if all I had to do was nod politely whilst my ILs criticised my shampoo choice I think I could take it. ;) I've had to put up with worse for a hell of a lot less money in my career.

I do think they are right to be concerned about your dh lack of pension.
I've had horrendous mh problems in the past but work does help somewhat.
It does show that money can't cushion us from mh issues.

God, I'm glad it's not just me that read that in horror and disbelief. I mean I'm sure those figures make sense but we're looking at about 80. Between us.

And yes OP. You should just 'suck it up'. Or if you really have such strong objections, give it away to a good cause.

She's NOT complaining about the money, she's trying to cope with weird behaviour from in-laws given the money gift on the one hand and the buy cheaper shampoo comments on the other. It's perfectly valid.
And I say that as a person who has been poor and is now comfortable but nowhere near as comfortable as OP.

So take something for your queasy stomach and move on to a different thread.
Yes, I'd love to be gifted a million (I think?), but I'm not naive enough to think it would take away my worries, it obviously can't cure OP's husband's poor mental health. It doesn't take away her right to ask for help and support.

I have no idea what your AIBU is here. If you don't want money gifted to you (regardless of how much) - just refuse it. I get the feeling that you are just bragging and this is either not true and a 'fake post' or you want to make other people feel sorry for you, i'm certain that you will get over your 'struggle with it' if this post is true.

I can't ever imagine posting something like this (but, then i am old-school).

Although my first reaction is very much well I can take this problem off your hands...

I do kind of get what you mean. It's a gift with strings attached, which is always annoying, but you don't really have the option of not taking it because DH isn't working. If I've understood correctly?

I agree with PPs that you cannot count on inheritance coming your way. You need to get some financial advice, work for longer than the next five years imo, get DH working (any job would do) and make sure the £1mil is working too.

As for the comments - cheery smiles and "we're managing it, we've done the maths" etc. Rinse and repeat. And count your lucky stars ☺️

Most people would agree money given usually comes with strings. Next visit serve up 1 sausage in a bun and tell them you donated the money to charity.. Then never mention money again. Hopefully they won't either.

Oh wow. I'm not triggered by it, but it's obviously a ridiculously insensitive post in the current financial climate. And don't tell me to piss off, how ignorant of you.

Ignore some of these comments OP because they aren't helpful.

It sounds like you have a lot going on here. Dealing with a partner with MH issues is no mean feat and combine that with your clearly different values. I'd struggle with that.

I'd deal with the acceptance of the money and would welcome it. That way, should your relationship end further down the line due to the above issues you are able to move on financially unscathed.

Do you have DC? Or a mortgage?

If they really wanted him to work hard and 'graft' then they wouldn't have given him a shit load of money to facilitate him in not needing to work.

They can't say one thing, do another and then expect anyone to listen to their advice.

Just looking at this a slightly different way - might counselling help? If your in laws made their wealth by working hard and successfully - and your husband feels his career has been disappointing, and that therefore he has been disappointing, might the comments about his lack of a pension be contributing to his mental health issues? And - however unconsciously - be aimed at keeping the family dynamic of successful parents disappointing son rolling along? After all, they can't comment that you are short of money, as they have dealt with this, but building a good pension is something he would be most likely to do if he had a successful career.
It might not be about the million pounds

Refuse the money if you feel it makes your life worse than better.

It doesn't take away her right to ask for help and support.
Exactly.

I’d hate it. It’s why I don’t play Lotto.

My dad is wealthy. He watches what I spend on.
We are in arts (low-paying) jobs. We live modestly.

My sister & BIL are much better off & can holiday freely, buy cars, get a new house / extension. No comments made!

I don’t care if dad leaves it all to them.

“We’ve planned for that with our financial advisor and we’ll be fine.”

Then always have another topic of conversation to distract them with.

Do sensible things with it, (house, pension, career development) and say thank you. Confirm that their gift has been ringfenced and that say it has given you both useful security.

It is a one off and probably sensible, in that IHT is savage. However it does not give them any right to comment on your day to day expenditure. Different if you were using their money to subsidise day to day expenditure. Expensive shampoo. Well full time work is stressful and you deserve the odd treat. But none of their business. Politely hold the line that you are grateful for a gift that you have invested wisely, but that you do not want them commenting on your day to day decisions. Continuing to do so will upset you and cause tension that they presumably don't want.

Let them continue to fund your husband and you can be self sustaining with no reliance on their gifts or money. You each have your own income streams and can independently from each other fund your own retirements. If it makes you unhappy and is bringing negativity to your life, just refuse it. Your DH can continue to contrbute this share to the hosuehold via financial support from his family and you can contribute your share via your salary.