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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
Schooltripmess · 29/08/2023 09:09

Do you have children?

Heronwatcher · 29/08/2023 09:09

Don’t you have a pension with your job? Can’t you just say don’t vague, like, well if worst comes to worst we’ll downsize and live off my pension plus investments?

To me it sounds like they’re painfully aware of the problems your DH has and worried that he’s just going to burn through the money himself without earning to top it up, which TBH sounds possible, but what they may not have counted on is that you have some financial independence. I’d also consider if I were you getting some investments solely in your name though for this very reason.

grosslyunfair · 29/08/2023 09:09

Might seem like a strange suggestion, but do they like talking about money? My suggestion would be to learn about investing, if you don't know, and ask their advice about investment ideas, engage them with you managing the money they have gifted and what you are doing with it. My experience with people like that is that they enjoy discussing money matters, and it's a way of deflecting the discussion into something similar but related.

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:09

It's all sensibly put away. ISAs and premium bonds etc.

Regarding the 'read the room' comments. I absolutely realise how privileged we are. I'm not from a very well-off background and this is the kind of money I could have only dreamed of as a child.

OP posts:
moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 09:10

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:05

Yes, that's part of it.

Show quote history

Ah I understand

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:10

Heronwatcher · 29/08/2023 09:09

Don’t you have a pension with your job? Can’t you just say don’t vague, like, well if worst comes to worst we’ll downsize and live off my pension plus investments?

To me it sounds like they’re painfully aware of the problems your DH has and worried that he’s just going to burn through the money himself without earning to top it up, which TBH sounds possible, but what they may not have counted on is that you have some financial independence. I’d also consider if I were you getting some investments solely in your name though for this very reason.

I do have a pension, and a pretty good one at that! In-laws know this as well. That's what's making the situation even stranger!

OP posts:
moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 09:10

grosslyunfair · 29/08/2023 09:09

Might seem like a strange suggestion, but do they like talking about money? My suggestion would be to learn about investing, if you don't know, and ask their advice about investment ideas, engage them with you managing the money they have gifted and what you are doing with it. My experience with people like that is that they enjoy discussing money matters, and it's a way of deflecting the discussion into something similar but related.

That's a good shout. Perhaps this is it?

Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 09:11

Can be like a poisoned chalice but all you can do I think is be grateful, use it wisely, be grateful...

Schooltripmess · 29/08/2023 09:11

….just thinking that if it all goes into a pension for dh then he will still have the motivation to earn till he is 55, but your kids will be free from the worry of having to support him financially in old age.

so then he still gets to aim for increasing self-respect through work.

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:12

Thanks. This is helpful!

OP posts:
OneTC · 29/08/2023 09:13

My heart bleeds, honestly

Brumbies · 29/08/2023 09:14

My heart bleeds too - and consider this thread in poor taste.

WetBandits · 29/08/2023 09:14

My (no contact) MIL has given DP and I debt, crippling anxiety and a reason to change our phone numbers and move house.

Let’s swap, we’ll take the million pounds and you can have the above?

Sparkletastic · 29/08/2023 09:14

Another thought. Might DH's MH issues be related to his family dynamic? And might the ILs see that you have a successful career but be secretly fretting that you might end up divorcing DH as he doesn't quite match up?

Hercisback · 29/08/2023 09:16

Is it perhaps their awkwardness about their son and him not "supporting" you financially coming out in an odd way?

Are they perhaps articulating (very badly) that they're keen you properly invest it (like you have)? Or even fishing (badly) to find out what you hve done with the money?

I'm trying to give them kind motives, you know them best!

EddieHowesShithousingMags · 29/08/2023 09:16

Oh for goodness sake, the thread title is quite clear, bog off with all the ‘poor taste’ comments. Are we only allowed to discuss the price of extra value toilet roll on here? This is a valid concern of the OP’s and it should be absolutely fine for them to come on here and ask opinions.

Lentilweaver · 29/08/2023 09:16

I think you have to suck it up. It's the downside of taking money from anyone. They are resentful, but perhaps understandably so.

I think you and your DH are incompatible.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/08/2023 09:17

I can see the problem even though in some ways it’s a nice problem to have iykwim.

it seems like this “gift” has got massive emotional strings attached. And that It’s making your dh feel more of a failure in his parents eyes than he already does.

I don’t know what to suggest apart from ignoring them and hoping that your dh retraining will make him feel more fulfilled. After all, as we all know, success isn’t just about money, though it’s nice to have.

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:17

Brumbies · 29/08/2023 09:14

My heart bleeds too - and consider this thread in poor taste.

Even this is a helpful comment. I did not come from wealth. I am incredibly grateful for the situation I have landed in. One of the reasons I posted was to see if people just think I should shut up and count my blessings.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 29/08/2023 09:20

Hmmm. They ARE the retirement plan?! Aren't they?

Lentilweaver · 29/08/2023 09:20

I am not saying count your blessings because I would find this situation hard and I think I would resent my DH not working. Does he at least do stuff around the house? Or do your inlaws pay for that too? Do you have DC?

heldinadream · 29/08/2023 09:21

Were they poor before they made the money OP? It sounds like miserly, hoarding type behaviour. Like you MUST worry about money, even if you're ok, so don't buy expensive shampoo, and store it all up for later, perish the thought you should enjoy any of it or be frivolous! If it's this maybe you can adjust how you see them and recognise the anxiety (which they themselves may not really be aware of) that underlies the comments.
Plus what other people have said about infantalising your husband and the pressures on an only child that can occur. It's a complex psychological mix.

crossstitchingnana · 29/08/2023 09:21

Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 08:58

Well have they sorted inheritance tax -I think it’s 40% over ? 300,000. Care Home fees for 2 could be a million if they choose somewhere posh.
Have you both got full pension contributions?
I think they recommend 2mill now for a comfortable retirement.
Stick it somewhere safe - ISA/ premium bonds, saving bank, stocks and shares and get on with your life.
But also say thanks so much.

2 mill for a comfortable retirement?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think most of us will be lucky to get 200k.

madeinmanc · 29/08/2023 09:22

Still quite happy to take it off your hands, I would have heating on this winter and buy a house!

But anyway, what I want to say is you don't know that the promised money (the future inheritance, not the one million) will DEFINITELY come to you in the future. You should have plans for if it doesn't. I was promised a life-changing amount of money all my life, but when the time came, it had been given to an older relative who didn't distribute it as intended. It was never clear exactly what happened in the aftermath of the death and grieving, but anyway it didn't happen and this was something that had been made clear to me all my life.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/08/2023 09:22

I'm not saying shut up and count your blessings, I am saying count your blessings then put them to work for you. Invest them in the right support/counselling/whatever your DP needs to either sort his mental health or come to peace with it as is. If it's the latter then you know what? I'm thrilled that someone with poor mental health who really can't manage working despite lots of effort and input doesn't have to work. It's not a race to the bottom is one of my core values.

The DH issue of low self-esteem through not working isn't going to be fixed with gifted money, in fact it will probably be made worse, so you both need expert help to work through this.