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Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 09:51

Heronwatcher · 29/08/2023 09:09

Don’t you have a pension with your job? Can’t you just say don’t vague, like, well if worst comes to worst we’ll downsize and live off my pension plus investments?

To me it sounds like they’re painfully aware of the problems your DH has and worried that he’s just going to burn through the money himself without earning to top it up, which TBH sounds possible, but what they may not have counted on is that you have some financial independence. I’d also consider if I were you getting some investments solely in your name though for this very reason.

Yes this was my thought. Maybe find a way to reassure them that you're in control of the finances and he'll be ok. Although as you're not a blood relative that might also be hard for them to hear.
It's a tough one.

Mumsmet · 29/08/2023 09:53

Winter2020 · 29/08/2023 09:45

At current annuity rates it looks like your husband could get a pension of 60k a year if he was 55 now.

Although you are married and it’s all family money I think I would mentally ear mark this as your husbands cash and expect him to dip into it to pay half of your outgoings. If this leaves you with surplus money you can save or invest those surplus earnings.

Don’t forget if you earn 50k each year in 20 years you will have earned a million. So don’t spend your million in earnings on living costs while your husbands million sits in tact. In a house where each partner earns 50k it would take them only 10 years to earn a million. What I’m getting at is it’s a huge amount of money but is paralleled over the years by a decent income and ebbed away if lived off. When your partner studies he can use his nest egg to pay his way - when he starts earning he can stop dipping into it as much.

If you can estimate the maximum money you think your husband would need until he is 55 e.g. 40k a year or whatever you both think you coukd take financial advice on putting the remainder into a pension for him.

In the even of a divorce all of both of your money and both your pensions would form part of the marital pot anyway but while you remain married you don’t want a dynamic where he has a million and you have sole responsibility for all outgoings and little to save.

It is still a nice problem to have.

Best response, so sensible

Lwrenagain · 29/08/2023 09:53

@HiltonKeynes what shampoo do you use though? I need the tea on that!

Also, just thank them and have a happier life. I'll never be wealthy and I'm happy with my lot, but I'd love to be in a position where I don't need to worry about finances again, it may not buy happiness but being sad without worrying about what cheap meal needs clubbing together for dinner certainly will help you :)

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 09:53

Don't worry @crossstitchingnana - you're absolutely right but "comfortable" in these terms means being abroad on a jolly for six months of every year. Most of us don't expect or maybe even desire that kind of retirement

Mischance · 29/08/2023 09:53

The problems with this proposed gift are the strings attached. They are expecting it to be invested in the stock market; and they already express views about how your current money should be spent, so that will get worse when it is "their" money.

Beetlebuggy · 29/08/2023 09:53

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 29/08/2023 09:39

Premium Bonds is a terrible investment. Lock it away in different accounts for 1-2 years and get guaranteed 5%. You are not guaranteed anything with Premium Bonds and could be devaluing the money due to inflation.

If they are higher rate tax payers, then premium bonds can look more tempting. I assume with a mil in the bank they will have used up their psa on interest. There is always the element of chance with premium bonds, although obviously this can go either way.

LakeTiticaca · 29/08/2023 09:53

Flamingogirl08 · 29/08/2023 08:44

Taking into consideration the things I would do for £1m, gritting my teeth through shitty comments from in laws would be one of the easy ones!

Same here!!
I think my bank account could accommodate a million quid if it was going spare 😉

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 09:54

IthinkIamAnAlien · 29/08/2023 09:23

Is this post a wind up? As someone else has posted, inheritance tax will take quite a bite out of a million and even ordinary, less wealthy, people can find a financial advisor who will give sound advice on what to do with a windfall. I could suggest someone!!! Weird use of a public forum.

It's not inheritance - it's a gift and unless they die in the next seven years it won't be subject to those rules. Which I suppose is one of the reasons they've decided to hand it over now.

zingally · 29/08/2023 09:54

It sounds like your DH hasn't lived up to his parents expectations, and THEY are the ones who are conflicted.
Reading between the lines, I'm guessing that they are loving, caring parents, who want their only child to be safe, well and financially set-up for life. They have seen that he hasn't really managed this as they'd have hoped - hence the £1mil gift. Which is a life-changing/securing sum to anyone.

BUT, they are also disappointed. They've "grafted" all their lives, and are now enjoying the perks of their hard work. They look, and just see their only child merrily coasting along, doing a lot of not much, while his wife keeps the family afloat.

Their little comments about pensions etc are their way of expressing concern AND disappointment.

Personally OP, I'd take the money with a happy heart, and hear the comments as those given by a concerned, loving parent. And if they still bug you, turn your ears off and drift off into "what I'll spend £1mil on!" dreamland!

anyolddinosaur · 29/08/2023 09:56

Btw point out that you need to keep some of this money in cash (ISAs ) to pay the tax if they die within the next 7 years. After that you will be able to put more into a pension for dh.

Dont assume there will be more inheritance coming in your plans. Inheritance is never guaranteed.

Whatsmyusername1235 · 29/08/2023 09:57

Mumsmet · 29/08/2023 09:31

Oh wow. I'm not triggered by it, but it's obviously a ridiculously insensitive post in the current financial climate. And don't tell me to piss off, how ignorant of you.

Show quote history

She’s rude. If she didn’t like your comment she could have took her own advise and scrolled on.

madeinmanc · 29/08/2023 09:58

A million pounds would solve all the difficulties in my life, as I'm sure is the case for many others. That makes it so hard for me to see something like this. Sorry if that is unsympathetic. It is absolutely true, though.

Nicole1111 · 29/08/2023 09:59

I imagine they are conflicted by wanting to help and being worried about creating a dependence on them and not seeing their son succeed and thrive. I think you should have more empathy for them and more gratitude for their generosity

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 29/08/2023 10:00

@RunningFromInsanity That is between 1.2 and 6 percent (your £250 best-case scenario every month) not guaranteed. I am talking about locking up risk-free in a bank account (£85k is guaranteed by UK govt). I think NatWest is offering something like 5.3%. So on your 50K investment, you would have £220/month guaranteed.

It is different, of course, if you enjoy the flutter element of the chance of winning more. But I prefer the stock market for that. I think there is decent information on moneysavingexpert on Premium Bonds.

Notmytotoro · 29/08/2023 10:01

I don't see what's the problem, take the money, let your husband study what he wants to study and hopefully to find a job. if he doesn't he always do therapy, can volunteer and you both can live with your salary, money saved and the one million pounds gifted.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 29/08/2023 10:01

I feel like I'm reading it wrong here - but the comment about shampoo makes me think that they're happy to fund their son through to retirement but they're making sure you know that they still disapprove of you? Like they think you're a gold digger because they've gifted you £1m even though you're the one in employment?

If that's the case, yes I'd be miffed but like others I'd also suck it up.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 10:02

MarshyMcMarshFace · 29/08/2023 09:47

I would concentrate on supporting your DH, and maintaining / building your own career.

Presumably you do have a pension? Tell the ILs that you enjoy working hard at your job, will co it he, and are saving towards your pension. Tell them you are pleased DH is retraining but everyone’s priority is his stable MH.

Laugh off shampoo comments. “Aah, but I’ve dine the maths: you only need a dot for it to work” “got to have great hair for my job, it’s an investment!” “Hahah it’s Sainsbury’s Value Oil Stripper but I put it in an old bottle for the effect”

I would worry more about how it impacts your DH and contributes to him feeling like a ‘disappointment’ .

By defending her shampoo choice the OP would be acknowledging that they have a fair point in questioning it. Which is bullshit - they have no right to comment at all.

"I earn the money to buy my own shampoo, so it's my choice what I buy, nobody else's. "

And leave it at that.

Prouddoggieparent · 29/08/2023 10:02

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:57

This is exactly it.

Show quote history

Be independent and hand it back or give it to charity.
Live off the money you actually earned and everyone can be happy.

caramacyears · 29/08/2023 10:05

Must be hard

madeinmanc · 29/08/2023 10:06

Oooh, good point @ChiefWiggumsBoy.

Mumsmet · 29/08/2023 10:08

Whatsmyusername1235 · 29/08/2023 09:57

She’s rude. If she didn’t like your comment she could have took her own advise and scrolled on.

Show quote history

Yes, true. Thanks.

Winterjoy · 29/08/2023 10:08

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

The reality is that there will be people who graft hard all their lives and never see a high financial reward. There was an element of luck in your in-laws success and financial gains. There is luck that by accident of birth your husband is their son. It's not fair but life isn't and it is what it is. All any of us can do is make the best of opportunities that come our way. (Relative) financial freedom is an incredible privilege - make the most of it in the best way that works for your family!

Tracker1234 · 29/08/2023 10:09

So you have a choice here - take the money or not... Personally I would take the money and buy a house. Would look at DH and his mental health. What is wrong with his MH that stops him getting a job he enjoys and likes doing? He could do that now - the money has given him a choice. I wouldnt allow him to wallow in this and effectively not work at all - its always easier to do nothing than to actually make an effort.

Not sure why your MIl is commnenting about the shampoo you are using.
Presuming she has used the family bathroom and looked at your products (and then made some comments!).

I love Premimum Bonds. They are easy to get back and arent a terrible investment. Winnings are tax free and I always win something (have the max £50k) .

Lifeomars · 29/08/2023 10:09

I appreciate that this is giving you cause to think about your life and your principles but compared to some of the problems that people are facing just trying to get by it is a niggle and an annoyance rather than a catastrophe. I would out the money away and just try to tune out the in-laws comments.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/08/2023 10:10

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