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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
Mumsmet · 29/08/2023 10:10

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 09:54

It's not inheritance - it's a gift and unless they die in the next seven years it won't be subject to those rules. Which I suppose is one of the reasons they've decided to hand it over now.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly this

TotalOverhaul · 29/08/2023 10:10

OP, I truly think this is a problem with an easy solution, all within your power.

You need to reflect and decide how you feel about this money. Forget societal values and principles. Your DH has an illness. If he had Multiple Sclerosis or similar physical impairment, would you both feel so bad about the handouts and his limited career?

In your shoes, I think I'd just decide that you have been blessed with an income that takes the massive stress of poverty due to illness out of the equation. The 'price' you pay for this is his parents' comments. Think of them as a job, for which you get the income. Be a customer service manager and learn how to handle the comments without taking therm to heart. if you know your own mind, fully, and have made peace with the income (and why not, since you are accepting it and DH needs it) then they are just comments from an attitude you happen not to share. Set yourself up with a toolkit of stock, civil replies and just reel them out then use diversion tactics.

'You are very kind to be concerned M-i-L. Now, I meant to ask, did you fancy a walk before lunch or after?'
'We'll be fine. Do you want to watch a film now or chat to me while I peel the spuds?'
'Oh I'm full of frugal tricks. The shampoo is from Poundland.' (whether it is or not - white lies cement relationships) 'How's your neighbour? Did she find her cat?'

Etc. prepare some breezy responses and diversions and stick to them.

Lots of your stress is coming from being torn about how you feel. Make peace with the situation. Accept and embrace it.

i'm pming you too.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 29/08/2023 10:11

@Beetlebuggy Good point. I forgot about that. OP only mentions ISA investments otherwise. It looks like you are only allowed to put £50K in Premium Bonds anyway, so not a huge waste of potential interest.

Starseeking · 29/08/2023 10:12

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 08:45

I'd just go hehe that old chestnut and carry on

This is what I would do.

They can make as many comments as they like lol

ReadtheReviews · 29/08/2023 10:12

Perhaps they are insinuating that you shouldn't be reliant on inheriting? Maybe they have given some now instead of that and are leaving it to charities. Maybe they expect the gift now to boost him to the point he can take care of himself in future.

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 10:14

Notmytotoro · 29/08/2023 10:01

I don't see what's the problem, take the money, let your husband study what he wants to study and hopefully to find a job. if he doesn't he always do therapy, can volunteer and you both can live with your salary, money saved and the one million pounds gifted.

Exactly.

Utterly delightful problem to have I would say.

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 10:15

Just tell them you have a fantastic pension and they needn't worry. If they mention it again just keep telling them it is all fine and they don't need to worry.

PrinceHaz · 29/08/2023 10:20

My MIL gave me to £2K to spend on a cleaner. It was stressful money with strings so I’ve just given it to her son and told him to keep me out of it.

MrsFiddle · 29/08/2023 10:22

The fact is you do now have a pension given to you by them. Invest it and you can get 6 - 9% on it and it will grow until you need it and you can easily then draw 4K a month to live on without eating into it.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/08/2023 10:23

Who cares? Don’t accept the money if it’s distressing you so much you have to go on MN. No one on here could possibly genuinely give a flying fuck over your particular dilemmas.

AutumnSunlight · 29/08/2023 10:23

🙄

teatimenow · 29/08/2023 10:24

For a million pounds just smile and nod !

bluegreenandcoral · 29/08/2023 10:26

They do sound a bit annoying and the comments would irritate me, but I think I could put up with it for £1m to be honest.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/08/2023 10:26

Just see it as an opportunity to do lots of good in the world. Instead of moaning about it maybe look into giving some to heavily disabled people to better their life or some other cause you are interested in. That poor man who was kept captive for 4 years by his wife and "carer" - people like that could do with a little windfall.
I know for a fact if I came into that kind of money I would want to change some lives with it. I'd probably pay for some bills and refurbishments to animal rescue centres to.
I know this isn't what you are asking in your post but gives you something to think about.
On the flip side, don't tell anyone in real life about the money as leeches will come crawling out the woodwork.

Thelnebriati · 29/08/2023 10:27

I understand your unease about gifts compared with earnings, because gifts come with strings attached, and can be taken away. But the reality is that earnings aren't as solid or dependable as they used to be either. It would be a good idea to go for therapy to explore how you feel about money, earned and unearned wealth.

Trevorton · 29/08/2023 10:27

M4J4 · 29/08/2023 09:37

The more you post the more it’s clear you are humble bragging, OP.

You’re in a professional role with a pension, you KNOW you have the means to counter the in laws’ arguments about how you would survive.

You’ve exaggerated the issue to write this woe-is-me post.

If you had posted ‘so excited, in laws just gifted us £1million’, you would have had a lot of people congratulating you.

🙄 why on earth would anyone need to humble brag to a bunch of strangers. These sorts of responses are totally ridiculous.

LetMeGoogleThat · 29/08/2023 10:28

Well, why not just the return the money you been gifted. Dh can get a job and you won't have to tolerate the comments? Sadly, many people don't don't get the option if not working due to MH.

Lentilweaver · 29/08/2023 10:28

She's not humble bragging . She is musing. This whole situation would make me very uncomfortable and sad.

Lndnmummy · 29/08/2023 10:32

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

I'd (v happily) suck it up😅

FarmGirl78 · 29/08/2023 10:34

If ever there was a "READ THE FECKING ROOM" post, this is it.

Saverage · 29/08/2023 10:38

They are probably worried about your DH's retirement rather than the OPs, if they got divorced. Some of that million should be going directly in a pension fund for the DH.

Wouldyouguess · 29/08/2023 10:38

"I am in early40s and I can retire in 5 years and someone is going me a million pounds and I find my life so fucking stressful".
Jesus wept.
Imagine how stressful it is for someone who cant buy shoes for their kids so the said kids cant go to school.

caramacyears · 29/08/2023 10:41

Lifeomars · 29/08/2023 10:09

I appreciate that this is giving you cause to think about your life and your principles but compared to some of the problems that people are facing just trying to get by it is a niggle and an annoyance rather than a catastrophe. I would out the money away and just try to tune out the in-laws comments.

Thank you for saying this

Gremlinsateit · 29/08/2023 10:42

If you really, truly have a well paid job and a good pension, and have “invested” a significant portion of a life-changing amount of money in UK premium bonds, then you need to visit a financial adviser pronto.

Don’t tell your ILs what shampoo you use. Do say “thank you” every time the opportunity arises.

HTH

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 29/08/2023 10:44

Sounds like a dream but not if they act like they own you and are control freaks. Gold cage.

But if they are not like that then ask them for advice about what they think you both should do with the money.

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