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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
spitefulandbadgrammar · 31/08/2023 02:58

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 02:28

You can't just "gift" someone a million pounds, you can gift up to 3k a year tax free UK, then you have to pay tax over that, have you considered this?

Perhaps it’s a wodge of tenners inside a birthday card.

Notamum12345577 · 31/08/2023 02:58

MushMonster · 29/08/2023 09:04

Take the money. Say million thanks.
Hopefully your husband will pick up this time and get himself a job, any job.
The only real problem here is your husband not having a job, his mental health and that he is ok with living off his parents money. Not your in-laws. It is a husband problem.

A husband problem? How do you know he is ok living off his parents money? Reading the OPs posts, it sounds like he wants to work. He has just not been well enough to do so!

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 06:20

spitefulandbadgrammar · 31/08/2023 02:58

Perhaps it’s a wodge of tenners inside a birthday card.

Show quote history

Ha ha perhaps it is, I hadn't thought of that 🤣

Inbetweenie993 · 31/08/2023 06:59

Older sister neglecting herself - what can I DO???,

Sister lives 2hr drive from me. Has 3 kids. I have our brother living with me- l am his carer - very busy with hospital appointments etc.

Sister losing it. Not washing etc. And VERY spikey. Hard to talk to.

Her daughter (nearly 50) has moved in on her after redundancy, but has many issues herself.

Sister appearing to have dementia plus mobility issues.

I really care about her but have a lot on my plate caring for our brother.

Don't know what I can reasonably do to help.

Actually question why I am posting- but worrying about her
We are close - but difficult to have a reasonable conversation..... Maybe I am being a wuss and just looking for sympathy!!!!!!

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 07:02

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 02:28

You can't just "gift" someone a million pounds, you can gift up to 3k a year tax free UK, then you have to pay tax over that, have you considered this?

This is simply not true, and has already been covered.

A cash gift will only fall within the scope of IHT if the giver dies within 7 yrs. It sounds as though the gift was made some time ago (the OP says her DH has been unemployed and living on the investments for years), so the chances of that are very low.

If the giver lives for 7 years, the gift is totally exempt from tax.

MrsLighthouse · 31/08/2023 07:19

A non problem when so many are on the breadline….however, maybe relaxing about finances will take the pressure off your partner and help his issues. Not with you whining about it though. Just be grateful .

Popcornready · 31/08/2023 07:20

I get where you’re coming from, my DH has a parent who is very judgemental on his health, can’t see it so it’s not real kind of attitude. The comments are not helpful for your DH mental well-being, money aside that’s not going to help him feel like he’s able to change his situation very easily the continued sly digs…
mare you able to keep them at arms length reduce contact ect? Money wise if you’re comfortable enough invest it that’s then your future pension pot and a nice few breaks away as you choose. Make it work for you also if it would help use some of it for professional therapy’s for your DH.

FabFitFifties · 31/08/2023 07:35

I haven't RTWT, so don't know if this has already been said, but I think the causes of your DH mental health issues are very clear. He has probably spent his life being put down by his parents and trying but failing to live up to their expectations. Did he by any chance choose his failed career to please them? They are now picking on you - nit picking because they can't say you don't work etc. I hope your DH manages improve his mental health and get a job which improves his self esteem - any job. I imagine he's at risk of aiming too high, to please them, or at least avoid their disaproval/contempt. YANBU in feeling uneasy - could become a poison chalice if you let it. OR you could view it as compensation for your husband having had shitty parents, do what you like with it, and stand up for yourselves. Shoot down any nit picking and intrusive comments - their gift doesn't entitle them to interfere in your life style /finances.

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 07:36

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 07:02

This is simply not true, and has already been covered.

A cash gift will only fall within the scope of IHT if the giver dies within 7 yrs. It sounds as though the gift was made some time ago (the OP says her DH has been unemployed and living on the investments for years), so the chances of that are very low.

If the giver lives for 7 years, the gift is totally exempt from tax.

Show quote history

So it's actually true as if they died within the 7 years they would be subject to tax/inheritance tax

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 07:41

No, it's not true.

You said "then you have to pay tax over that", but in the majority of cases people don't. Because they plan and give the money early - exactly as the OP's ILs have.

moomoosaka · 31/08/2023 07:42

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 07:41

No, it's not true.

You said "then you have to pay tax over that", but in the majority of cases people don't. Because they plan and give the money early - exactly as the OP's ILs have.

Yes. I agree. There's so much misinformation going on here.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 07:44

You also said "You can't just "gift" someone a million pounds", which is also untrue.

There are other exemptions too. For the super rich who can afford it, they can give a million pounds a year (or more), and provided it was a regular gift made out of their income (not capital), that would be tax exempt too.

MadMadaMim · 31/08/2023 07:54

1million in 'ISAs and Premium Bonds etc'!!! Really?

So that's £40k ISAs. £100k premium bonds. That leaves £840k as 'etc'.

Either this is a made up fantasy story or the PILs concerns are completely justified as it sounds like you haven't a clue how to manage money.

As per other comments, your post title, your comments and general attitude are in really poor taste. Regardless of your background.

Enjoy the money. Stop moaning. Be thankful

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 08:02

The money was also for a house, which would eat up half a million or more in many areas.

benfoldsfivefan · 31/08/2023 08:42

As per other comments, your post title, your comments and general attitude are in really poor taste. Regardless of your background.

No, people’s feelings are never in poor taste. Have a word with yourself.

GertrudeJekyllRose · 31/08/2023 08:50

Being gifted money always leaves you beholden and indebted to those gifting it to you. It's not a comfortable feeling if you aren't entirely on the same wavelength as them. You'll have to bite your lips and smile sweetly when they comment. They've improved your finances considerably and that gives them the feeling that they have the right to make remarks about your money choices.

Feraldogmum · 31/08/2023 14:58

They are totally out of order needling you, you have not asked for the money and you are working whilst supporting a man with mental health issues, that’s quite a burden. I think you need to tell them “ thanks but we don’t need it and will be fine, what we need is your respect and understanding, as you are not helping(dh) health or self esteem. “The constant digs are maybe meant to gee up your hubby, but being fragile this will have the opposite effect.Clearly they have not equipped him with the skills to cope with life’s hurdles, there can be an awful lot of pressure on only children to succeed, my father was one and had his own battles. It may be a good idea to try distancing yourselves from them for a while whilst your husband deals with his issues, they’re not helping. Do not feel guilty about the money, clearly it was given with a side order of pressure and judgement, you can always offer to give it back next time they sound off,that will soon shut them up.

HamBone · 31/08/2023 16:35

@Feraldogmum Hmm, I’d personally take the money in the OP’s situation. She’s carrying the financial load, supporting her DH with his MH, working FT, bringing up their children…in her shoes, I’d ignore their needling and use this gift to make life easier.

My elderly Dad harps on about how I should live my life sometimes (not money-related, he’s not a millionaire!) and I’ve learnt to mentally switch off.😂

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/09/2023 20:32

I expect it's been said but you can't give someone a million pounds without them paying a huge amount of tax on the benefit? I'm sure you/they know that - a million when it leaves them is probably liable to 40% tax so more like £600K when you look at what's left?

BIossomtoes · 01/09/2023 21:32

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/09/2023 20:32

I expect it's been said but you can't give someone a million pounds without them paying a huge amount of tax on the benefit? I'm sure you/they know that - a million when it leaves them is probably liable to 40% tax so more like £600K when you look at what's left?

No tax payable. The giver’s estate pays inheritance tax if they die within seven years.

You do not pay tax on a cash gift, but you may pay tax on any income that arises from the gift – for example bank interest.

VestaTilley · 01/09/2023 21:35

You thank your lucky stars every day for the rest of your life that your lovely in laws gave you a million quid. That is what you do.

Then every time you feel ungrateful you give yourself another talking to. I hope you’re going to thank them appropriately.

Tell your DH to open a private pension and ensure ILs are aware it’s being dealt with.

Daffidale · 01/09/2023 21:43

HamBone · 31/08/2023 02:30

You’re overthinking this gift, OP. Your in-laws are wealthy and have one child and two grandchildren. In their minds, it probably makes perfect sense to share their money with them now, especially as your DH has struggled career-wise. Could they also be old-fashioned with regard to women’s careers and not truly believe that you personally have a good salary and pension?

Accept this gift with good grace and don’t overthink it.

I wondered about this too. Even a bit unconsciously a lot of people have old fashioned ideas about the man being the breadwinner and main provider. They may struggle to wrap their heads around how your family can be OK financially if your DH doesn’t work, even if they logically understand your income or wouldn’t worry if the situation was reversed.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/09/2023 18:00

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/09/2023 20:32

I expect it's been said but you can't give someone a million pounds without them paying a huge amount of tax on the benefit? I'm sure you/they know that - a million when it leaves them is probably liable to 40% tax so more like £600K when you look at what's left?

This has been covered, and you are completely wrong.

Teenagehorrorbag · 03/09/2023 21:26

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/09/2023 18:00

This has been covered, and you are completely wrong.

Show quote history

So it seems. Every day's a school day.......

middler · 04/09/2023 05:54

Fof that much I would be changing to a value shampoo.
It's really kind of them, They probably lived frugally and naturally disapprove of your fancy shampoo as they see it as wasteful-that generation did not splash cash on luxury products in the way we do so it is a cultural difference. Take the money get a home put the rest in pension for your dh ad know that you are living a rare comfortable life few of us can imagine.