To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

[HiltonKeynes]

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

I wouldn't be surprised if the parents are the cause of the husband's mental health problems. Feeling he is a disappointment, is a bit telling.
I'd suspect counselling all round would be helpful.

I think you just need to try and reframe your reaction to your in-laws - why do you let them get under your skin so much? Why not let their comments just roll off you, use the grey rock technique if you need to. They haven't really done anything massively wrong from what you have written - only you can make yourself feel a certain way, it's a choice you make not a passive act.

Do you feel uncomfortable with the wealth because you feel like you don't deserve it, and is that tied in to your lack of money in childhood? And if your DH hasn't worked for years do you feel like this in part is due to being bank rolled by his parents? Lots of people with mental health issues have no choice but to work, so are you subconsciously harbouring resentment towards your parents-in-law for enabling your husband's unemployment? Sounds like your parents-in-law are making these comments about pensions to clumsily say they hope you will be sensible with the money and not squander it.

The more you post the more it’s clear you are humble bragging, OP.

You’re in a professional role with a pension, you KNOW you have the means to counter the in laws’ arguments about how you would survive.

You’ve exaggerated the issue to write this woe-is-me post.

If you had posted ‘so excited, in laws just gifted us £1million’, you would have had a lot of people congratulating you.

Do you have kids op? Can you accept the money for your kids, rather than using it yourself? Framing it that way perhaps?

Premium Bonds is a terrible investment. Lock it away in different accounts for 1-2 years and get guaranteed 5%. You are not guaranteed anything with Premium Bonds and could be devaluing the money due to inflation.

😂😂

Can't you just say I'm working as hard as I can and I have a good pension scheme?

So you are working and there is every hope that your dh will have some income in future?

I reckon you would need a pension fund of at least £500k to generate a pension equivalent to today's average salary, so there's a home for half the gift.
Don't share your personal finances with anyone but your partner and the bedpost - how are they even privy to what shampoo you use. Presumably you are paying your NI and contributing to your employer's pension scheme in your own right via your own salary. Maybe start contributing to your own SIPP as well with the aim of having an equivalent pension to your dh's. So it's nowt to do with them how you personally will fund yourself in old age.
It may suit them to start throwing money around but it doesn't necessarily suit you - maybe they would be better giving your dh an annual allowance equivalent to your annual salary for the foreseeable future.
If you do use their money to buy a house then I'd only buy 50% of it with their funds otherwise you're opening yourself up to years of remarks every time you change a paint colour.
And make sure that house has an en suite bedroom so they can't tell what shampoo you're using.

If he has a million quid's worth of investments, whether it's in a pension or not, his kids will never need to worry about how he will support himself! He could live off the interest/growth very easily for the rest of his days.

My DF died recently and left some shares. At one point I thought they were worth £1million - and I felt sick. I didn’t want that sort of money because I like paddling my own canoe and it would change my life. I knew in that moment that I wouldn’t take the money.

in fact I had got my sums wrong, it was £20000. A relief! It’s my war chest for if I fall ill, so I won’t be a burden to my DC.

my point is that you don’t have to accept these gifts OR the comments if you don’t like them. As a couple you can cope without your ILs’ money, so maybe just do so?

I'd be more concerned with the fact that my in-laws knew what sort of salary I was on. That's none of their business.

Any comments they make about spending too much or lack of pensions etc I'd just respond with a breezy - it's fine I can afford it type response.

Money from them I would consider as a nest egg to support your DH if he can't get back to work, or the deposits for DCs houses.

You aren’t the thread police. Since many other posters are happy to give advice in the current financial climate ( whatever that may be) it would seem to be fine.

Personally I think it’s one of the more interesting questions rather than another wealthy Mumsnetter complaining that a huge salary doesn’t buy enough.

Does your DP actually like his parents? They sound horrible and this is money with strings attached.

At current annuity rates it looks like your husband could get a pension of 60k a year if he was 55 now.

Although you are married and it’s all family money I think I would mentally ear mark this as your husbands cash and expect him to dip into it to pay half of your outgoings. If this leaves you with surplus money you can save or invest those surplus earnings.

Don’t forget if you earn 50k each year in 20 years you will have earned a million. So don’t spend your million in earnings on living costs while your husbands million sits in tact. In a house where each partner earns 50k it would take them only 10 years to earn a million. What I’m getting at is it’s a huge amount of money but is paralleled over the years by a decent income and ebbed away if lived off. When your partner studies he can use his nest egg to pay his way - when he starts earning he can stop dipping into it as much.

If you can estimate the maximum money you think your husband would need until he is 55 e.g. 40k a year or whatever you both think you coukd take financial advice on putting the remainder into a pension for him.

In the even of a divorce all of both of your money and both your pensions would form part of the marital pot anyway but while you remain married you don’t want a dynamic where he has a million and you have sole responsibility for all outgoings and little to save.

It is still a nice problem to have.

To call anyone who opposes your view "Thread police" is ridiculous. Let's all bow our heads and all feel exactly the same way about everything, shall we?

He doesn't have a choice but to like them, IMO.

This is also why I didn't accept regular babysitting from my parents. Strings.

How do they know the minutae of your spending, such as what shampoo you buy? I would laugh this off if they mentioned it but you shouldn't share this much detail with them.

As for the money, well I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth to be honest. Just suck it up, thank them, and make good use of it.

I would concentrate on supporting your DH, and maintaining / building your own career.

Presumably you do have a pension? Tell the ILs that you enjoy working hard at your job, will co it he, and are saving towards your pension. Tell them you are pleased DH is retraining but everyone’s priority is his stable MH.

Laugh off shampoo comments. “Aah, but I’ve dine the maths: you only need a dot for it to work” “got to have great hair for my job, it’s an investment!” “Hahah it’s Sainsbury’s Value Oil Stripper but I put it in an old bottle for the effect”

I would worry more about how it impacts your DH and contributes to him feeling like a ‘disappointment’ .

Yeah you just suck it up, poor love.

I think you just have to suck it up and put up with their nonsense because they have basically set you up for life if you invest this money well. I would take passive aggressive comments from my in-laws for this level of financial privilege tbh.

Yes the shampoo is a different issue - how about “I work 40 hours a week (or whatever) so I can afford the grocery items I want” i.e. you didn’t buy your shampoo with their money so it’s none of their business.

We all have the maximum amount of premium bonds and win about £50-£250 a month each.
Tax free, can access at anytime, no risk, steady income.

Talk to them about what you are doing with the money. Do you have a house? If not you should buy one and point out that it will help DH to have a home when he retires.

Consider whether you can invest some of it in a pension for DH. That would help to meet their concerns. If he is not working does he get pension credits for caring for any children you might have? Are you paying voluntary contributions so he will get a state pension? Show them that you are considering his pension requirements. Say that he is taking steps that you hope will enable him to also have an employment pension.

Never let your husband think that because he is not making much money he is a failure.

Exactly this.

Marriages fail, they have a mentally unwell DS, that’s a big vulnerability. If they were really clever they would gift it in gift a way that it is not affected if he gets divorced.