…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

@Layinwait It’s perfectly possible
to be intelligent and have capacity
but not realise certain things until someone points them out to you. Eg, the fact that while DSis may be short of money right now, her longer term financial prospects are considerably brighter than mine.

Layinwait

and if you’re a ‘grown ass woman’ who expects to give one daughter loads and the other much less for no reason other than one fancies lavish holidays then you’re a twat if you think one child won’t resent you.
I think the OP is remarkably measured in her discontent.

Yeah she can, but she's going to leave a trail of hurt and two sisters who resent each other behind her when she dies, if she persists in treating them unequally. Maybe some people don't care about upsetting their kids if they're not around to see it. Can't imagine people feeling like that but there it is.

So now you have pointed them out. Yes?

You have armed her with the information and pointed things out
if she doesn’t act it’s because she doesn’t want to

It was definitely agreed between DM and DSis as an advance on her inheritance, not a gift

I'm sure it was, OP, but the challenge will be around what to do if your mum hasn't altered her will and your DSis argues about that when the time comes.
Though nobody's actually entitled to anything it seems your DSis hasn't got that memo, and unfortunately this sort of thing can cause massive rifts in families

If you want to discuss this further with your mum I probably wouldn't do it with your DSis there, because if she insists "Well of course I'll split it properly with OP" your mum may regard this as job done and leave her arrangements unclear

I know you have dismissed my suggestion that there could be a whiff of elder abuse.
Your mum is 84?
Your sister has asked her for large sums of money recently. You can believe it's not. A person doesn't have to be senile to be a victim of elder abuse. It's wrong that an adult has asked an 84 year old parent for large amounts of money.
I'm not having a go at you. That's my view as an outsider.
My gran had a great nephew who used to ask for money and eventually she would leave it in her purse on the side and he would come and help himself. She didn't dare say no. When she came to move she had no jewellery or silver or any valuables.

Ascendant15

no one is saying they are ‘owed an inheritance,’ in fact everyone is saying that they would be perfectly happy if their parents or OPs mum spent their money on holidays or whatever they fancy. The issue is treating your children differently for no good reason.

@Luddite26 I do understand what you’re saying and why you’re flagging it, but I’m confident my DM is still capable of saying no to things she doesn’t want to do. She’s definitely not scared of my DSis. This is to do with her reluctance to be the villain, rather than any sort of fear. Truly.

You sound lovely and very caring and sensible. Ignore the baying masses with their 'grabby' nonsense. Of course it should be recorded formally, it's basic life admin , I suggest doing it now via a solicitor and then you all forgetting about it until such time as it needs to addressed again by which time there will be a whole bunch of other issues to address and sadly a parent to grieve for. Siblings are very important for comfort and support during and after a bereavement.

No, you must continuously badger the poor woman and insist upon her personal will being amended so you get your fair share. Sure you can even arrange for a solicitor to come to their house for their convenience!! 🙄 Rotten the lot of it

And that’s her frickin prerogative! To not want to address this and have awkwardness

You misinterpret me in your rush to criticise

I hadn't, I was being sarcastic and echoing the gross suggestions on here. Not being critical of what you said, I agree with you. The DM should be left alone and OP should drop it

OP is part of this simply annoyance at the mixed messages? Rather than DM keeping to the, "my money, my business, my will, my business" line, she and DSis are involving you in their finances, and, to an extent, rubbing your nose in the fact your sister is getting given money, you are not, they are saying that of course it all will be fair but that's not how they are acting.

Yes, it is DM's money, but either they need to put it in writing OR stop telling you it is magically going to be made fair when nobody's actions suggest that that's really their intention.

It is annoying, and corrosive to family relationships.

If you DO want to stick your nose in her will, best to focus on making sure your DC is covered if you die before DM does.

On the one hand the op says her mother is fully capable.

So the fact that her mother feels awkward about having this discussion and would rather avoid… is in itself a completely valid reason

Not necessarily true. I agree with OP.

My DM is same age as OP's DM. However, I already know that I am not going to inherit from DM. Her estate is going to DGCs but in such a convoluted way it is highly unlikely any if them will actually benefit (DM has delusions of wealth).

Doesn't stop me wanting to see fair play for OP.

Not unreasonable at all
Surely your DM wouldn't want you to fall out after she is no longer around?
Far better to get it out in the open now
I speak as someone who has not spoken to my brother since the loss of my mum 21 years ago( his choice, not mine)

You said a couple of times she's not scared of your sister but that she's a people pleaser and doesn't want to be the villain.

But....she clearly doesn't mind upsetting you.

Are you sure your mum isn't scared of her?

You aren't wrong for actually just wanting something legal in place to uphold their side of the bargain which they put to you in the first place.

@Luddite26 that is terrible sad 😢 I don't get how people can be so callous and heartless, but it obviously doesn't even occur to them, they are that grabby.

So it's OK to be the villain to you then? Just not your sister who actually has more prospects than you as do her kids without any disabilities? Maybe you need to kick off a bit so she realises what she is doing.

I think some people see age as equivalent to babyhood, they believe that over about 65 you are no longer a capable adult but either a cute baby, see ah so cute when pensioners hold hands, or a burden without the cuteness of a child.

It was drugs! It was pretty shocking opening boxes which had always contained silver spoons etc that had only been used at Xmas ever to find them empty. And her only jewellery left a funny rainbow coloured plastic turtle which I honestly treasure in the same way.

You've mentioned it to your mum which is fine. Now it's up to her to make her own decisions with her own money. It would be extremely grabby to push it again since you've already had the conversation. Let her do as she chooses with her money.

theemmadilemma

“But you have every right to have it documented legally.”

Nonsense. No-one has the “right” to their parents’ money.