…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

@Mummy08m To answer your questions, though I’ve already explained this:
My need is likely to be greater because my child is severely disabled and will never live independently. DSis has two children but neither has a disability.

DSis and her DH have greater earning power mostly because they’re not constrained in their ability to work, unlike me and my DP — as I explained, we both only work part time because of caring for DD — but also because DSis’ husband is a high earner with a potential to keep increasing his pay as his career progresses.

This exactly. DM has every right to spend her money as it pleases her, if helping out family who need it is how she chooses how dare you suggest it is owed back to you. I imagine if you needed the help you would also get it? But you’ve said you don’t! Not your business.

Grabby imo & an unreasonable thing to bring up.

You’re referring to your DMs bank balances as “your inheritance” — it’s not your inheritance until she’s dead. Until then, it’s just her money. And she can spend it how she likes, on her children or on anything else.

I’m sure she would be willing to help you just as much as she helps your sister if you needed, asked or even just wanted. It may be a matter of personal pride for you not to ask, but it’s certainly not for your sister and that’s just the way things work out with the stance you both take.

But yeah, not your money not your business to keep tabs on currently. I suggest you keep your nose out for your own sanity if nothing else, your attitude is something that could easily bubble over and turn ugly when your DM unfortunately does pass.

@Bibby98 - that is such a bad take I’m wondering if you actually read the OP at all!

The sister is “borrowing” money from the mum and framing it is an advance on her own inheritance. The mother is complicit in this, but she isn’t doing anything to formalise it.

The OP is therefore being put in a position right now where she is being told (by her mum and by her sister) that her sister will owe her thousands/tens of thousands of pounds when her mum dies.

Even if there is nothing else left, even if the mum decides to spend all her remaining money on drugs, or cruises, or cats homes, the OP is being told that there are substantial sums of money being borrowed by her sister from an estate that is intended to be split equally between them.

How exactly is knowing that one day her sibling will owe her a large amount of money “none of her business”?

It is the exact opposite - it is absolutely her business and if she doesn’t want to be put in the position of being a creditor to her sister (and who would?) then she is absolutely right to push to get this situation sorted.

Even if a sibling has ‘borrowed’ from their ‘inheritance’, I don’t think it’s for you to bring up. Especially while your mother is alive and well. Maybe your mother is happy to gift it to them, and doesn’t feel comfortable telling you because of your score keeping.

This comes across as very grabby, I’d be happy with half of whatever is there when the sad day comes instead of keeping tabs of where my mothers money is going while still alive.

Need is irrelevant. You should get equal shares regardless of whether one is a millionaire and one a pauper.
SIL was given a hefty house deposit whilst DH got nothing. He was told they were altering the Will so he could have his extra when they died! They didn't.
He thinks far less of them.

OP thinks mother is fully capable, fully in charge of her finances and no concerns about her mental capacity

SO FGS OP!! Take your above view of your mother to its logical conclusion and respect her decision.

Not wanting to discuss balancing out inheritance is a valid reason for not doing so

Does nobody here read OP's posts? Or do you look through your own family-tinted glasses when doing so?

OP isn't being the one to bring this up at all, as she's repeatedly said. She's not doing or thinking lots of things she's being accused of.

You're quite right, OP, I wanting to get this situation formalised. If your Mum and sister do too, shouldn't be a problem, surely? At least your mother doesn't seem opposed to the idea. If you were both still children and you had a tube of Smarties each but your sister scoffed half of hers straight off, would anyone think it right & fair that you, who still had all of yours, should then share yours with her? I think that would be totally unfair.

@Rightsraptor Thank you!! Some PPs’ determination to create their own scenario and run with it is, frankly, bizarre.

For the people that think the OP should not mention it and just be happy with half of what's left after DS has 'borrowed' money from mum, stating explicitly that this is against her future inheritance.

Do you 'borrow' from your parents and hope your siblings don't expect it to be repaid to the estate when inheritance split is taken in to account?

I completely accept that all mums money is her own to do with as shoe wishes. But you don't get to treat your kids really differently and not cause hurt and upset. There are consequences to actions. If mum chooses to gift the sibling more by not formalising the 'borrowing' then she should expect that the OP may be hurt by the different treatment.

I**I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

**I mentioned (again)”

would rather indicate the OP is raising the issue with her mother

I don’t think the OP should be happy with anything

I think the Op should respect fact she thinks her mother is fully capable and has full mental capacity and if this is something she wants to do - then she will go ahead and action. And if she doesn’t want to do this because she feels awkward or indeed for any reason at all - that is entirely valid

I wonder if the easiest thing is to ask to 'borrow' a similar amount now, and set it aside for future care costs for your disabled child.

It would remove the need for any formalisation as your both in the same position then.

It's hard to ask I know, and you may be afraid of a rejection that would bring it home even more clearly about the favouritism. Only you can know whether this is a reasonable option

It's her money, you aren't entitled to a penny. She might be planning to leave it all to the Battersea Dogs Home for all you know.

We had the same situation in my family where one sibling received large bailouts. My mum did write it in her will. Each of us had received other financial help too but on that scale hence my mum adding it. Said sibling had no issue with it as it was discussed and agreed at the time of the bailout. We were all made aware so no bitching.
In your position, given you say you have a good relationship with your sister, I’d have a chat with her about how she would formalise it to avoid upset at a time when you will be grieving and not wanting to fight over something that could be easily avoided.

MeinKraft

Can you really not see the difference between giving your money to charity and giving it to one child rather than the other?

I swear there is section of people on here who just see that the thread is about inheritance and wheel out their same tired stock response without even really noticing that it is completely inappropriate for this specific situation.

I feel for you OP. You’ve had some harsh comments here which you don’t deserve if I’ve understood the situation correctly. I would argue it’s your sister who is ‘grabby‘ (not a word I like) and as a result of that you have been placed in an unenviable position.
There are no clear paths out of where you find yourself, but this situation is not of your making.

Even though sis may have said it’s from inheritance, mum may have been happy with it just being a gift. I came to that conclusion based on what I read. Her Mum isn’t dead, her Mum doesn’t want to speak about it, op has suggested it be formalised, not mum, therefore not her business!

This happened in my family and mum left no will. I was left sorting it out, and my dsis couldn't remember all the loans she had, even
when we could see them on bank statements. It needed to be sorted for inheritance tax gift rules.
Please ask your mum to sort this out. It was dreadful doing it after she died.

@Bibby98 Both DSis and DM have made a point of saying it’s an advance on her inheritance. The issue is whether it’s a good idea just to leave it to my sister to “sort things out” when the time comes.

The point about clarity being required for IHT purposes is a good one. Can you frame it OP as it being a good idea to make/keep a record for that reason?

@Bibby98 - so you are saying that even though the sister keeps saying she is borrowing this money from the estate, and in spite of what the mum has said about money being a loan, the OP should just ignore what she’s been told, “read between the lines” and forget about it?

how far should she take that? If the sister asks to borrow her entire inheritance now and says to the mum not to worry, that she will just sort it out directly by handing her half to the OP when the mum dies, the OP should just be fine with that set up - in spite of there being absolutely nothing in writing to make that clear or to even acknowledge how much money she will be owed?

What if it turns out that there is no other money left when the mum dies, and the money “loaned” to the sister ends up being all there is. The sister then “reads between the lines” just like you did and decides that actually maybe it was a gift to her after all. Is that just tough luck for the OP, an unfortunate result of her sister being canny enough to spin the line about needing a loan to secure an early payout?

I just cannot believe that in a situation where the sister is asking for loans in order to get her inheritance safely locked away well before her mum dies, it is the OP that is being called grabby and accused of all sorts for simply trying to bring a bit of clarity (and hopefully preserve her relation with her sister).

Personally I think you are being a bit grabby. As living parents, we help our children where needed in the here and now.....it's not always perfectly fair and that's just life.

It is your issue OP

It is what your DM wants