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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 28/08/2023 18:45

This would be a fantastic way of alienating most of your family and friends. Very very rude. I’d tell you exactly where to go

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 18:45

Also the issue about your DC1 is valid, DC2 got a cold within a few weeks from my snotty germ ridden first born not the adults.

FelicityFlops · 28/08/2023 18:45

Goodness, I met my elder niece (and goddaughter) when she was 5 weeks old. She already knew my voice, but was handed over to me, much to my surprise, when her parents kindly collected me from the station.
I was also charged with holding her and bathing her, at our parents' house that actually happened in the bidet.
She is 34 now with 2 children of her own and the same applies to them.
Babies recognise, by smell, when really tiny, who they like and who they don't like - fair enough and an excellent barometer.

Jevwaypock · 28/08/2023 18:47

I don’t see a problem with the wording, but I’m sure most people will stay away when they are sick anyway? So maybe you could go down that route and just be honest and say I’m nervous of the baby catching anything so please stay away if you are ill, I mean no offence etc. At the end of the day its your baby your rules really

JenWillsiam · 28/08/2023 18:47

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:42

This is because BABY doesn't have a name yet. Once it's here we will refer to BABY by his or her given name.
Or maybe we'll jus name it baby. Who knows, with the psychosis and all..

Many thanks for the helpful replies on wording, and sorry to the poster who had the very ill baby.

Many thanks also for the concerns regarding my mental health.

As for everyone who has said they would be so upset over not getting to cuddle a newborn that the relationship would be ruined or whatever, I find that a bit strange and I'm confident that my relationships with family and friends are not so fickle.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t care a bit about cuddling the baby. I would be seriously concerned about your mindset.

also, your existing kid needs to move out. He’s a living germ dish.

huuskymam · 28/08/2023 18:48

Your baby, your rules. But I wouldn't be visiting to look at a baby in a crib, I would want a cuddle. My daughter is due soon, her first, she has no problem with visiting or holding baby, but won't let anyone kiss the baby due to the risks.

40andlovelife · 28/08/2023 18:48

I remember feeling like this when I had a baby. I now look back and realise what a dick I was. It was all about me and my feelings, not the baby really. I think this might be the case with you. Get over it. Babies are born every minute of every day and passed around, no harm done. You're being daft. Sorry but you are .

PuppyMonkey · 28/08/2023 18:50

Blimey.

fedupnow2 · 28/08/2023 18:51

I feel embarrassed for you. Rather ask no one to visit.

Alwaysanotherwine · 28/08/2023 18:51

I’d also be questioning your mindset

if visit still to actually check on the baby and ensure you were coping

it really will make you sound anxious and possibly depressed

greyhairnomore · 28/08/2023 18:53

If someone comes to your house who has a virus they can spread it to baby without touching.
Also , assume baby will be going outside ?

Sommerled · 28/08/2023 18:53

Are you going to respond to the questions regarding what you will do with your DC1?

Moomuffin · 28/08/2023 18:53

FFS 😂😂

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 28/08/2023 18:53

Do people really think like this? I read so many posts like this on MN but (luckily) have never known anyone in real life to have such extreme views.

No doubt after saying everyone should stay away for months your next posts will be about how no one is offering any help/no one’s interested in your baby.

As other have said, your other child will be far more likely to be the cause of any illness past on to your new baby, are you going to tell them to not go near the new baby either?

Reetnice · 28/08/2023 18:54

TenOhSeven · 28/08/2023 18:06

If I got that message I wouldn't bother visiting. Having a cuddle with the new baby is the whole point!

Sooooo selfish. Glad you’re no my mate in real life 😂

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2023 18:54

It's silly. This is your anxiety talking.

StonwEd · 28/08/2023 18:55

Hard no here as well. Of course no holding the baby if you’ve got a cold, or asking people to sanitise their hands but don’t send that message - just say no visitors if that’s how you feel!
i wouldn’t visit a friend until they were ready to have visitors, and it really doesn’t sound like you will be early on

coodawoodashooda · 28/08/2023 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah. What a weird stress to put yourself through.

Original poster
Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:57

Mostly it's fine, but sometimes they pick up a virus and end up very unwell.
I don't want to be doing the wash your hands / no kissing the baby thing multiple times so trying to just set the boundary from the start.
I like the sling idea.

DC is not in nursery.

I don't think grandparents are immune or anything, it's just about limiting the number of people holding, breathing on baby, etc. Plus I think the grandparent relationship is a bit more special. If uncles and aunts want newborn cuddles they can have their own babies. I wouldn't expect or ask to hold someone's newborn.

Also like the glass screen idea. Or maybe we'll go lion king style and just hold baby over our heads for everyone to look at. But not hold. We have a small balcony, it would be perfect for that.

OP posts:
LaMadameCholet · 28/08/2023 18:57

This is a very bad idea. OP, I mean this with kindness, are you OK? Do you need some support with your anxiety around this?

Reetnice · 28/08/2023 18:57

OP - I totally back you. I think this issue actually runs more deeply for you. I think it’s more about you wanting to advocate for yourself/your baby. Have you found yourself in a position with your first where you wanted to speak up abouf something and lay some boundaries but couldn’t bring yourself to do it? If so then I think it’s presenting itself now in a way where you want to stick up for yourself. ❤️❤️

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 28/08/2023 18:58

Honestly, you're baby will get all illnesses that your older child gets, are you going to keep them away from the baby for 2 months?

Original poster
Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:59

Sommerled · 28/08/2023 18:53

Are you going to respond to the questions regarding what you will do with your DC1?

Yes, I like the hazmat suit idea.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/08/2023 18:59

CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 18:03

Well, there's nothing wrong with the wording. But 2 months? Really?

This.

LaMadameCholet · 28/08/2023 19:00

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:57

Mostly it's fine, but sometimes they pick up a virus and end up very unwell.
I don't want to be doing the wash your hands / no kissing the baby thing multiple times so trying to just set the boundary from the start.
I like the sling idea.

DC is not in nursery.

I don't think grandparents are immune or anything, it's just about limiting the number of people holding, breathing on baby, etc. Plus I think the grandparent relationship is a bit more special. If uncles and aunts want newborn cuddles they can have their own babies. I wouldn't expect or ask to hold someone's newborn.

Also like the glass screen idea. Or maybe we'll go lion king style and just hold baby over our heads for everyone to look at. But not hold. We have a small balcony, it would be perfect for that.

Oh hang on, are you joking around? Or this is a reverse? Fair enough.