Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
Sommerled · 28/08/2023 18:19

Why 2 months (and not say, 3 months when DC has had their jags?) - is the timescale based on scientific evidence or a figure plucked out of the air?

How old is your first born? Will they be excluded from cuddling their sibling? Will they be stopping contact with friends/nursery/family in order to minimise cross infection? As a PP said, they will be the most likely transmitter of any bugs.

If I received a message like you propose from a friend/sister in law/cousin I would be deeply hurt and seriously consider whether to offer support to the mother as I usually would.

I'm sorry but this sounds completely crazy.

Globules · 28/08/2023 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 28/08/2023 18:20

Up to you who holds your baby OP, no one else needs to hold someone's baby so if that's what you want to do, you do it. The message is fine. Don't mind anyone saying you're crazy or dramatic, it's your choice.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 28/08/2023 18:21

I found i was like this with my first - precious first born syndrome and all - but the time my second arrived (which was twins) I was desperate for anyone and everyone to hold them to give me a break

YABVU and more than a bit precious

WeetabixTowels · 28/08/2023 18:21

In the nicest possible way that’s ridiculous. It’s good for babies to be held! Unless you want them to have a knackered immune system. Just say no kissing the face. Babies don’t get cold sores from cuddles.

Crazycrazylady · 28/08/2023 18:22

I'd think your were a complete nut job to be honest. Two months!

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 28/08/2023 18:22

Weird. If I got a message like that off a friend or family member I'd not bother visiting you so I didn't pass on my disgusting germs.

At the end of the day it's your baby and you can do what you want but you've asked for opinions and that's mine. I'm pretty sure my whole family and friendship circle would be of the same opinion too.

CaroleSinger · 28/08/2023 18:22

Well I suppose if you want to alienate everyone and make them think you're paranoid, the wording is just perfect...

feralunderclass · 28/08/2023 18:23

This is a great idea if you want to alienate yourself and your dc from wider family. I'd be concerned about a new mother if she proposed this and would be thinking about possible psychosis or some other serious MH issue. There's no logic to it at all, especially as you have an older child too.

Original poster
Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:23

Yes a couple of months anyway, maybe longer. First vaccine is at 2 months for whoever asked.

Thanks for the replies. Hard to keep up with them all. I don't really care if people think I'm batshit.

For the person with medical background (can't recall username) you will be aware of what RSV or coldsores can do to a newborn then. I also have a medical background, as do many of my family. Not sure what your point is!

A friend of mine, and a sister of a friend of mine have both had small babies end up in ICU recently with viruses. I'd rather avoid that, and if I can take small steps to do so I will.
All for exposure and immunity building once baby is a little older.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 28/08/2023 18:24

Maybe your message could read something like this:

"Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby, as long as it's at a distance, possibly through a glass screen. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now, as we think you are all riddled with germs. (Somehow, grandparents are immune from this! Lol!) Obviously, this isn't the advice you'd get from trained health professionals, but we know best!"

saraclara · 28/08/2023 18:24

I understood that a baby's immune system is strongest in the first few weeks (when it still has mum's antibodies in its blood) than it is later.

If I'm right, then waiting two months is the must illogical thing to do. I'd get the cuddles out off the way in those first few weeks, rather than wait until the baby has fewer antibodies

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/08/2023 18:24

It sounds as if you have fairly severe health anxiety and tbh I would worry more about your own health than the baby's. This position is extreme and irrational.

I do have some sympathy because you're clearly very worried about it so I'm not going to say snap out of it because you clearly have major anxieties, but to be candid, I don't think that message will go well at all, I think people will think you are being precious and controlling.

I think you have to decide what is most important. If you are really hell bent on pursuing this no contact policy you should just say no visitors until whatever time you see fit. If you're going to allow people to come to visit the baby you can't really police this. You can't really have it both ways.

sHREDDIES19 · 28/08/2023 18:25

I think I’d be more understanding if this was your first baby but it’s not and so I would assume you were barking mad making such a bizarre and unnecessary demand.

Witchpleas · 28/08/2023 18:25

OP I know you're asking about the wording of the text and haven't asked for advice on your visiting policy, but I can't read and run as it seems concerning. To me it sounds like this is led by your anxiety rather than a medical justification for limiting contact. Is this coming from your medical team? If not, I think basic hygiene is all you need to keep your baby safe - hand washing, no kissing on the head in case of cold sores, visitors with contagious illnesses staying away. Most people are familiar with this and don't need to be asked.

As someone who's suffered with postnatal anxiety I'd worry how you'll cope when your baby gets ill - which is highly likely with an older child in the house. Please speak to your medical team about your concerns and let them guide you.

Mamai90 · 28/08/2023 18:25

I think people are being a little harsh on you. Hormones are all over the place in those first few weeks and you want to feel as comfortable as you can. I think it might be better to ask people not to visit for the first few weeks rather than saying you can't hold baby which does seem a little extreme unless there are health issues.

Lonicerax · 28/08/2023 18:27

I think your text was fine -but 2to. 3 wks would be better imv.
Also there is less interest in a second baby - some may not come round.

QuillBill · 28/08/2023 18:28

I'd say that you don't want any visitors or for anyone to see the baby for two months. I think that's less ridiculous. I don't think you can say 'come and see the baby! But from a distance'

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/08/2023 18:28

With all respect, I think if I was your husband, I'd be advising you to seek some help. This is really extreme. You say you don't care if people think you're batshit, but if I was a friend or relative of yours and you said this, I'd be very worried about you.

fifteenfifty · 28/08/2023 18:29

The key annoying thing is saying baby with no article in front of it. It just sounds so patronising and weird and I didn't think anyone did this anymore. The baby, our baby, my baby, not just baby...

PinkDevon · 28/08/2023 18:29

Very odd

TidyDancer · 28/08/2023 18:29

Is there some information missing that would explain why you're so anxious about this? It seems really controlling and bizarre so I'm assuming there's a backstory you haven't already given.

littleripper · 28/08/2023 18:30

What the fuck has happened to people? These threads are so weird and precious. Babies NEED to catch hundreds of infections before they are 5 to ensure they have a fully developed immune system. Unless your baby is imuno compromised you're doing them harm, not good with your crazy rules.
If I got that message I would think you were mad and not visit at all tbh.

Trixiefirecracker · 28/08/2023 18:30

I really am amazed how completely batshit the Mumsnet world can be…

Iamanisland · 28/08/2023 18:31

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/08/2023 18:28

With all respect, I think if I was your husband, I'd be advising you to seek some help. This is really extreme. You say you don't care if people think you're batshit, but if I was a friend or relative of yours and you said this, I'd be very worried about you.

Yep. Lots of us are medical professionals in families of medical professionals and it doesn't make us behave like this!

Swipe left for the next trending thread