To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

You don’t sound good at all op. Hope you’re getting some support IRL because you’re coming off as quite mad.

I don't understand why you'd do this? Like honestly I just don't understand people not letting a baby's aunt or uncle having a cuddle. Plus it's your second child. Your first child will be picking up more germs than a grown up will!

This honestly I would get as many infections over with in the newborn stage as possible! Have a look at the hygiene hypothesis and enjoy your newborn with friends and family. Remember even if they get sick they won't remember it

To be honest it sounds like you're trying to assert authority that you perceive that you lack elsewhere. Did you feel powerless with baby number 1 in any way? Did people take over in any way and make you feel redundant? Rhetorical questions there, but maybe think about how unusual you are being and see if you can find a reason as it might help you to understand how illogical you're being.

OP is now clearly a troll bored, been a long bank holiday weekend has it?

Weird

Don't mind the snark OP. I was relieved with DC2 that it was summer holidays so we didn't really do the visits until they were almost 2 months. Only myself and DH held DC2 during visits, people came to visit all of us so no one seemed to mind, except for one weirdo who tried to kiss DC2 on the mouth, there's always one . For people who say visitors don't turn up with sniffles and coldsores, some people will do bloody anything.

Your baby your choice. I wouldn't and didn't send a message beforehand but DH and I were on the same page regarding things, if anyone asked for a hold DH was the one to politely rebuff lest I be labeled a postpartum lunatic.

I would be absolutely heartbreaking if I received this message from my sister in law

You can't pass on RSV or cold sores by holding a baby....

Cold sores no, RSV you can.

When visitors arrive just explain that you felt uncomfortable with everyone holding your first baby so you’re going to limit contact this time.

Personally I trusted everyone who held my babies to not visit if they had any kind of infections.

If aunts and uncles want newborn cuddles they can have their own babies 😮

I would be fucking heartbroken if my sister thought so little of me, our relationship, and the relationship between me and my niece or nephew.

People saying they wouldn't visit are ridiculous imo. I'd go to show the new parents my love and support, see the baby and would be happy to respect the parents' decision.

Why not just tell people not to visit till the baby is X months old (whenever you decide is OK) and only have the GP visit?
That would be easier than specific people being told they're allowed/not allowed to hold them surely?
It would be less awkward and there would be less chance of you having to stop someone from picking the baby up, if they got carried away and forgot "the rules."

Mary and Joseph had all kinds of folk visiting their baby, and he was born in a stable. Hardly sanitary conditions.

You're better off just saying no to visitors tbh.

Also, very few people give enough of a shit about a second baby to actually visit.

So you may find the text to be a bit unnecessary.

I think you would be better to say.

"I know this will sound overly anxious (I don't think I am) but I don't want anyone to hold, kiss or breathe on the baby until it's a few months old."

Because people are going to think you're either very rude or have serious anxiety issues, and it's probably better for your relationships if they don't assume it's the former.

Can you clarify what happened with the other baby that made you feel uncomfortable? You mentioned they were passed around, and mention being worried about cold sores. Did your first baby get cold sores then? Or did harm come to them? If not, seems a bit strange to take such a heavy stance especially as a medical professional. Surely you should have a better tuned sense of real risk vs health anxiety

Some people are being really harsh with their responses but I can see both points of view. My second ended up in ICU on a ventilator once and then in HDU on CPAP a further 2 times with rsv before they were 6 months so I completely understand your worry about viruses, however no matter how much you try to shield your newborn, they are going to be around a germy older sibling. Your oldest (no matter how hard you try to keep away from the baby) will inevitably stick their snot covered fingers into the babies mouth, give slobbery kisses when they are in the swing or bouncer as you try to swig a mouthful of luke warm tea etc. Going from 1-2 is hard and you may find that you are desperate for someone to come round and hold a colicky baby for just 5 mins to let you shower or to take your toddler to the park to give you some space. With the best will in the world, baby will end up exposed to bugs and you can't beat yourself up about it when they do catch things.

I wouldn't send a text like that at the moment. I think you are well within your rights to text saying you don't want visitors in the first few weeks to let you settle into life as a family of 4 and then see how you feel after that. You can then let people know that they must wash hands before picking baby up, absolutely no kisses and don't come round to visit if they or anyone in their household are unwell. Try not to overthink it at the moment as your views may change once baby arrives, and if they don't, then that's ok too, you need to do what is right for your family.

I remember SIL having long and boring discussions with a one who could be bothered to listen about taking her not very newborn to a large family gathering and not letting anyone touch.

In the end there was other stuff going on and no one even asked which put her nose right out.

My point being you don't need to make this more of a thing than it is. Just get people to wash their hands, keep the obviously diseased away and just relax. Plus it is your second so much less big of a deal anyway.

I guess it depends how many friends and family you have who will visit.

I was so exhausted after the birth that other than immediate family I didn't want anyone round anyway , and they all lived long distance.

I agree that it's not right that visitors expect to hold a new baby so rather than send a message, I'd be trying to keep them away saying you need to rest, baby is a poor sleeper, not to be disturbed etc for a month or so.

I wouldn't send a text like that at the moment. I think you are well within your rights to text saying you don't want visitors in the first few weeks to let you settle into life as a family of 4 and then see how you feel after that.

Yes, this is what I was saying too.

OP, your replies are hilarious, I'm so with you. No cuddles, I think it's an instinct thing aswell, I'm just not comfortable with it. For the most part especially in my family no one minds, they don't like taking baby from me when they're so small anyway.. No one comes for cuddles, they come to see us, some of the replies are downright bizarre, no is entitled to hold your baby 🤦‍♀️ like you say, have your own baby if you want to do that!