To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

I literally had a woman walk up to my son in my arms about a fortnight ago, arms outstretched saying "Coming to me?!". I had to point out my son wouldn't be handed to a stranger. When he was a few weeks old, I was nursing him in public and a woman came up the side of me and tried stroking his cheek. We're her hands clean? Had they been washed recently? Did she have COVID? People are mad!
As for the comment about needing mental health support, a lot of new mums actually do. That need will be all the more prevalent if they're constantly anxious about germs on their newborn. Let people do what makes them happy. Be kind.

@Daisy5011 surely grandparents include in laws?? Or is it just your parents that your happy to let hold baby?

You are absolutely ridiculous

OP I do think you’re being a tad dramatic. I appreciate your concern but unless some snotty Covid ridden relative arrives insisting on kisses I’m sure your beautiful child will live through a few cuddles from your nearest and dearest. Alternatively if you’re dead set on this not happening I’d send a message saying no visitors please until dababy is at least eight weeks as we need family time.

The people saying this is unfair and wouldn't visit etc because they can't hold a newborn are batshit, unreasonable and need their priorities checked.
My baby caught RSV at 6 weeks old and was in critical care, on oxygen and needed tube feeding. Anything OP can do to avoid such a situation is reasonable

Takes all sorts I suppose. A bit redic but your DABABY, your rules. batshit as they may be.

OP, I suspect the reason you’re finding it hard to word the text is that deep down you know it’s an unreasonable text to send.

YANBU

My youngest ended up readmitted with ? sepsis ? viral illness on IVs for both at a week old. They didn’t really get to the bottom of it but it was awful thinking - am I getting a cold sore have I done this / has someone given him this. (Mainly the self blame).

I think the wording of what you’ve said makes sense. I’m not planning more than 2 babies but for me I’ve become more risk averse with their health and if I had another would probably say the same from experience.

Best of luck meeting baby soon x

This might be useful, it has a good example of a message you can use:

nataliebroders.com/2019/03/16/5-ways-to-say-no-visitors-after-baby/

Shocked by all the posters saying that if they couldn't cuddle the baby they wouldn't bother visiting the parents.
To be honest, if that's how supposed 'friends' and family members feel, I don't think I'd think of them as being such great friends if that was their attitude.
Nobody has the right to pick up or touch your child, whatever age they are.
I don't get why they can't visit and interact without touching.

Same. Only my baby was 10 months' old.

I think the older child is 15 so that's why op isn't concerned about sibling toddler muckiness, also explains why she's acting like pfb as has forgotten before / possibly diff partner / maybe a lot more knowledge now? But not sure.

Wear a sling and never, ever say "Dababy" again. Cringe.

Isn't it normal to want to have your baby to yourselves for a while? Why do people feel the need to cuddle a new baby why can't people visit without expectation and I don't know help in some way whilst mum and dad are busy? There's been some really odd people on here today.

Thanks oto, we've decided to go with the sling and see how that goes.

As per previous suggestion, we'll be using DaBaby as a middle name. Either Denise DaBaby Surname or Dennis DaBaby Surname.

I'm surprised how upset people can get over not being able to cuddle someone else's child.. But each to their own.

I'm going to back away from this thread now as the cuddlers seem to only get more annoyed each time I post. It's also quite time consuming, and I need to go and solve my new dilemma. How to stop DaBaby overheating when wearing 4 layers of cotton wool under the hazmat suit.

Over and out 😉

Unless you are planning to isolate the older child (no school, nursery, soft plays, parks etc) this is totally bonkers - the older one WILL bring germs home- and a whole lot more than adult friends visiting - Sounds like you might need to chat to someone about your health anxiety.

If you are worried - I'd just ask that if someone is ill/has a virus /cold sore that they wait until they feel better /things have cleared before visiting and to get everyone to wash their hands when they arrive. (No one minds that and I always do it as a matter of course if visiting a newborn.)

😂

If the grand parents can hold the then I think you are being unreasonable. You either say no to the family and friends.
I'm sure they would understand.

Not sure how you think you're past the chicken pox stage - it went through our house when youngest was 15, eldest was 20 at uni and I got it in my 40s

Batshit!

Op I'm trying to understand but I just can't. You've already got a child and I'm not meaning to be unkind but children are brilliant at spreading germs so just having a older sibling means the baby will be coming across lots more germs through them than having a cuddle with auntie or uncle etc. Unless the people that visit have very high risk jobs they are probably quite low risk to cuddle the baby. Just ask that they have washed their hands and don't come if they are ill or suspect covid etc.

Seems a waste of time to me and just will make things odd! It may be easier to just not have anyone visit for a few months if you are worried.

Are you also not going to take baby to cafe, supermarket, baby groups etc.?

We did this with our first baby during the first lockdown and can say I fully regret it. All the missed opportunities for people to hold her and connect with her as a newborn gone.

We have a second and it was obviously totally different this time around, our toddler caught a cold at nursery and passed it straight to the baby at a few weeks old. Not ideal but they’re stronger than we think!

Good to hear some sensible responses on this post. I think it’s personally reasonable to ask people not to expect to hold/cuddle your baby.

@Daisy5011 I wouldn't send the message at all. I would find it a bit rude or presumptuous to receive - and many people who visit for first baby don't come for the second one anyway.

With an older DC, hopefully you will recover quickly and then you'll be going out and about quite a bit with older DC and baby. So there won't be much "sitting at home whilst people come visit baby" time to worry about

With all the sarcastic replies from OP I’m thinking she’s just an attention seeker/troll.
We all think our relationships are solid and our friends aren’t fickle… but stuff like this really tests people! My friend invited me to a ball park party when my DD was a few weeks old… I declined saying the places were too germy for a new born…. She turned pretty nasty on me, when she arranged her hendo (4 days away) I declined because I didn’t want to leave my DD home with out me for that length of time…. Again I got some pretty unkind remarks… (despite me changing my hendo from 2 nights away to a night out because she didn’t want to leave her DS a few years earlier! …
I do hope your message is received kindly by your friends and in-laws…. But some will feel offended like you’re saying they’re not clean enough.
I’d have not said anything to my DS if she’d sent a message like this BUT I’d have been heartbroken if my sister or brother didn’t let me get close to my niece/nephew.
it would’ve made me feel dirty and unimportant to my siblings. I wouldn’t say anything ofcourse but I think the damage would be done sadly.