To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

I think this is very weird

Case by case basis and using a sling when visitors come is definitely the way to go. I’m really sorry but the blanket text would make you come across as unhinged.

To be fair, this is a sure fire way to have less visitors and to alienate family.

our youngest nephews parents would always cancel family visits because “lots of people have colds, people are unwell, baby has just fallen asleep” etc. we stopped bothering and we don’t really know him due to parents constantly cancelling . Never ever cancelled mums side of the family, only dads.

I read your post and thought fair enough and then read all the replies and was shocked!

I had my baby last year and had 2 weeks with hardly any visitors- it was lovely, the visitors that did come mostly stressed me out as they didn’t want to leave and I was trying to establish breastfeeding and was a little all over the place and just wanted baby latched feeding! I remember my partners dad questioning why we were asking him to sanitise his hands!!
I would say I was pretty anxious as was my partner about him being passed round and after a relative kept kissing his nose we then just stopped visits till he was older. Unfortunately (maybe unrelated) he ended up with a viral infection at only 6 weeks old, it was awful! You can’t give a 6 week old calpol or nurofen and it was just awful to listen to my bunged up baby try and sleep and feed and we had no sleep for about 2 weeks!
We also both agree now that for baby #2 we won’t be handing baby round like a parcel, people have no entitlement to hold your baby if you don’t want them to. My friend had a baby a few weeks ago and immediately she had multiple visitors everyday and her baby ended up back in hospital at less than a week old - she said she felt pressured by her large family and regrets everyone holding him whilst he was so tiny.

it’s upto you what you do - in terms of the question you actually asked as in what the text should say.. I would just say when baby has arrived and you are arranging with a particular visitor the truth. Hi X. Excited for you to meet DaBaby today but just wanted to let you know I’m a bit anxious about people holding the baby and catching bugs so we aren’t passing him round currently. Hope that’s ok!
Thats what I will be messaging when we eventually have baby #2 whether it bothers people or not!

So OP and the baby will be safely at home away from all the germs, and the firstborn will be out being a germy toddler, and DH will presumably be back at work after a few weeks.

And visitors are, in general, discouraged.

It sounds like a mental health disaster waiting to happen tbh. I absolutely lived for company, a change of pace and face and conversation.

Ahem, we've deleted a LOT of personal attacks towards the OP on this thread. Can we ask everyone to please be mindful of our Talk Guidelines when posting and also bear in mind that Mumsnet aims to help make parents' lives easier?

Peace and love to all.

I was never offered a cuddle with either of my nieces on my husband’s side (not just as newborns - the oldest is 7 now so a bit late for baby cuddles!). It never crossed my mind to take offence. If DH had got a text saying “by the way, don’t expect to hold the baby, you’re too germy” before visiting, though, I would have thought that was a bit, well, off (and I say that as someone with periodic mild health anxiety).

(Mind you I think newborn cuddles are overrated anyway - I’d rather hang out with a baby a few months older who’s a bit more interactive!)

Nuttier than squirrel shit.
A toddler is a walking germfest. Grandparents are just as likely to be exposed to viruses as any other person. This blanket ban is crazy.

YABU
Absolutely no need for a message to all and sundry in advance!
DC1 is far more likely to be a source of bugs than any visitors but if you feel strongly just say politely at the time

Hi OP, sorry you're getting flack. Gave up reading the full thread but wanted to suggest keeping the policy but not broadcasting it. How many people can you feasibly see in 2 months? Just don't offer. I don't presume to cuddle people's newborns. I love it when I do and it's helpful but only in those circumstances.

I think texting it in advance doesn't come across well. I'd just lie low a bit - you'll be recovering and feeding round the clock anyway. The first two months flies by. If and when you see people just hold the baby, nurse, wear a sling. I was always taught you don't visit a newborn for more than an hour max anyway. It should be easy enough to keep people at bay without making a thing of it.

‘Snatch it away’ and ‘suffer in silence’ are quite harsh phrases to use when describing a very quick cuddle with friends and family (shes chosen to invite over). It is absolutely down to her who she wants to cuddle the baby, but there is no medical reason to justify it.

The grandparents will also presumably be living life as normal (not in some 2020 style bubble) so will be seeing other grandchildren, working perhaps, socialising etc. They could go out with friends Saturday nights, cuddle the baby on Sunday and all by ill by Monday. I wouldn’t want the grandparents thinking they had done something wrong if the baby got ill after seeing them.

I'm still reeling from the poster who said she protected her baby this way for TEN MONTHS!!!!

Just write 'we are going to be weird about the baby' so everyone knows they can just stop seeing you now.

The first recipient will probably point out the absurdity of such a claim

What about your older child bringing germs home? Presumably they are in nursery or school and spend weekends socialising with other kids/parties//soft play etc. There’s permanent coughing and sneezing in school for pretty much the majority if the year (I dont know anyone who keeps their child off for a cold), so the older child will be bringing germs home. There’s absolutely no escaping it.

We also know how important it is to expose kids to a low level of germs from a young age. There were experts everywhere last year telling us that children were more severely ill last year because of the lack of socialising through Covid.

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

The older child as far as we know does not go to nursery , and no further detail of what socialising they do/will do when baby is born . Presumably the four will be staying home to avoid germs and no cuddles for older child too . In case of bringing germs into home . How sad all this sounds .

I don’t see a problem with this at all and if I was your friend or family member I’d totally respect your wishes and not think anymore about it. But then I’m not really a baby person, was much more comfortable with my own when they reached toddler stage and was never desperate for a cuddle with friends or siblings babies. I can see I’m in a minority here! I hope your friends and family are more understanding than some
of the posters on this thread!

I agree people will think you’re odd if you send that message and likely take offence. I would just refuse visits from anyone other than grandparents until you feel like it’s safe.

The RSV vaccine just got approved in the US for between 32 and 36 weeks pregnant. If I were pregnant I'd 100% get it myself

Message sounds fine to me. I can't imagine a reasonable person objecting and I would expect your relatives would share your concern about the baby's health.

Don't expect much sympathy from many of the posters on here though, it's not that kind of place.

Neither would l. Sorry op but yabu

Yes this basically

@Daisy5011 probably an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn’t send a text making a grand announcement. I’d just delay people visiting when speaking to people individually. Personally I feel there is far too much pressure to get out and about with your newborn, be up, showered and dressed the day after giving birth….. sleep deprived, sore fanny, leaking breasts, swollen ankles…..why can’t we hide away for a few weeks once we’re home with a newborn just to enjoy those newborn days! Why do we feel the need to accommodate for visitors straight away?

also, my son caught a cough and temperature at only 5 days old! He wasn’t hospitalised with it, but it was scary! He has since always struggled with coughs and a bad chest (he’s now 5 years old). He was born in winter when coughs and colds are rife…….I don’t think you’re over-reacting to wanting to keep bugs and virus’s away for a month or two, but doubt still having visitors but just not letting them holding your baby will make much of a difference to illnesses (cold sores being the exception here though).

"hi everyone, due to baby's compromised immune system we're concerned about them picking up infections and therefore we're asking all well-wishers to leave their offerings on the doorstep at which point we will grace you with a glimpse of our precious child through the window. As no one has ever had a newborn before except us, I'm sure you will all find this glimpse to be the highlight of your life. Thanks for your understanding".