To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

How bloody precious

This is the strangest thread I’ve read in a long time. I don’t understand all the outrage about not getting to hold someone else’s baby. It’s weird, and the abusive messages criticising the OP are out of line.

Can you imagine a friend or relative getting married, and you refuse to give them a present, visit them or celebrate their happy occasion until you get to touch or hold their new husband or wife?

A baby is to be celebrated but it’s not a toy or a lucky charm.

As an aunt to 9 nieces and nephews I’d be quite upset not to get a little cuddle when i first get to meet them.

tbh if I got that message I probably wouldn’t want to visit .

You wouldn’t be asking for help with the wording if you were that confident OP.

You do seem quite anxious and a bit touchy, but hormones do that to me too so not judging. Maybe give it some more time and see if your feelings remain.

I don’t think the wording of the text matters whatsoever. Clearly some people think it’s understandable, so any of your friends and relatives who fall into that category aren’t going care what the wording of your text is. For the rest of your friends and family - likely the majority - they will probably be some variation on concerned, hurt, perplexed etc and no amount of selective wording or lying about “lots of viruses going around” (are there more viruses than usual?) is going to change that. You can’t manipulate people’s feelings with some wording in a text message.

Your decision isn’t based on logic. The baby is going to have some vaccinations at 2 months, according to your previous comments. Are these vaccinations against the specific infections you are concerned about? What’s going to happen at 2 months that will suddenly make it safe for people to hold your baby? How much stronger do you think a 2 month old is than a newborn, in terms of recovering from common infections? What evidence is this based on? What is the logic behind banning everyone but grandparents from holding the baby, whilst allowing the cross contamination from 4 people who are all out and about having close contact with other people, shopping, working, socialising?

The fact that there isn’t any logic behind this decision seems to indicate that it either comes from a place of anxiety, or a desire to exert control by arbitrarily keeping people at arms length. The nasty comment about “aunts and uncles who want newborn cuddles should have their own babies” would suggest it’s the latter. Aunts and uncles don’t just want newborn cuddles; they tend to want newborn cuddles with their nieces and nephews specifically. Because they love them and are excited to get to know them and lavish them with love and affection. Careful that you don’t alienate people from your child because of your own issues.

Feeding into parents anxieties. I do think the OP will look back and realise she was feeling anxiety and will regret the message. I cant imagine first baths with gloves on - how sad is that 😞

Exactly, expecting a cuddle of someone else's baby like it's their god-given right and not the parents' decision is extremely precious.

Please get help for your anxiety. It will only get worse when your baby arrives. If your first gets chicken pox at nursery in the future they are likely to pass it on to their sibling.

I do agree with the not kissing a new born but not holding is extreme.

OP doesn't have anxiety.

I think its the reasons behind it as there’s absolutely no reason for a family member/friend not to cuddle the baby. If OP wanted some quiet days/a few weeks without loads of visitors, then that’s understandable. But shes inviting visitors but their not even allowed a little cuddle - what if they cough or sneeze in the same room? How close can they get? Can they sit next to her on the sofa?

That’s a total misrepresentation. People don’t feel “entitled”. It isn’t about that at all. It’s just a very normal, typical interaction for people to have when they meet a new baby, given that you are almost certainly family or a very close friend to be visiting a new baby. So to be told “no, you can’t touch the baby unless you’re on the approved list” for some arbitrary reason that doesn’t appear to be grounded in reality is obviously going to be received as a rejection. Because it is.

Do you have siblings? Are they banned too?

How to loose friends and alienate people

The mass text message would probably be enough for me not to bother with the baby at all for a good while tbh. Don’t make a big deal of it, do it face to face so you can actually treat your friends and family like the adults you know they are.

I think after 2-3 weeks you might feel a bit differently so I wouldn't put a time frame in the message. But people saying they wouldn't bother visiting if they weren't allowed to hold the baby are odd themselves. You're supposed to be visiting to support the mother, who's just been through the most traumatic ordeal of her life.

You wouldn't be friends with someone anymore if they told you you couldn't hold their baby? Weird

Given most people don't ban people from holding their new borns and most people's babies don't get ill in the first 2 months of life I'm flummoxed as to what the OP thinks she will be protecting her new born from.

So say no visits then. People are still going to be bringing in their germs, they could pass colds etc on to you which you give to baby.

How old is eldest?

Hey FTM here also and has my DS 16 weeks ago. I had no problems with people holding my DS when they came to visit, (after the first week of bonding we allowed friends/extended family etc)
My DS then ended up in hospital with RSV which required a 4 night stay and some awful testing etc! he’s also had broncholitis.
no previous health concerns, healthy pregnancy etc.

I think you do what’s best for you and baby and don’t care what others think. X

Hi @Daisy5011 you need to seek help urgently for your anxiety. As a medical professional, you will know this approach is not in anyone’s best interests (including mum’s and baby’s). Are you seriously suggesting no one except grandparents (why are the safer?) and your partner (I assume they can hold them) for 2 months? I have a 2 month old and I love people holding him because it gives me a break(!) and is so good for him. You will alienate people and will end up seriously ill if you don’t allow people to help you in the early post partum weeks. Hopefully your partner won’t allow you to send this message if they care about you

I get older one doesn't need childcare so will be home with you, but are you honestly keeping all of you isolated in your home for two months + ? That really isn't great for your older one.

Presumably you're also telling people they're not allowed to cuddle your older child for this same period?

I think whilst it'll not impact on your baby, it could be really detrimental to your child

People with boundaries would ask first or pick up on the vibes anyway. People without won’t care about a message.

And what about getting out with your newborn for your own mental health? I went to baby groups (made friends there), weigh in, coffee shops with soft plays, friends houses with kids/pets, the shops and im sure many more places in
the first 2 months. All of those places probably have alot more germs than the family/friends coming round (who will most likely think to wash hands before they see you or not come round feeling unwell). Are you going to stay home for 2 months?

Give over OP, but all the best with your baby.

She will probably shove the chicken pox/cold/norovirus kid into their room, tape it off and poke food through a cat flap for 10 days, keeping it away from the rest of the family.
how sad.