To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

I think anyone who wants to hold something as precious as a baby ought to wait until asked. A couple of months seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable time for a parent to choose as a limit- rather short, if anything.
[I have the opposite problem- parents seem to want to hand babies over to me when for various reasons I'd rather not hold them. It's so tricky to refuse. I plead lack of experience and being scared of dropping it, both of which are also true, they say no it will be fine and keep urging. In the end, I really can't do it, but it's very difficult not to as I don't want to appear to be rude or uninterested in their treasure by rejecting what I'm sure is a kindly meant offer. I'm really not happy about doing it, not everyone is. ]

That still makes no sense. It’s her baby so it doesn’t matter if others disagree with her reasons for not letting them hold it. No-one is entitled to touch someone else’s baby when the parents don’t want them to. Why are so many people on here struggling with that and getting so angry about it?

My sister had a baby a few months ago and I’ve loved holding him, feeding him, singing to him. But if she didn’t want me to until he’s older, I wouldn’t argue with her or belittle her like so many posters are doing here. I’d accept it’s her baby and her choice.

It’s disgusting the way most of the posters on Mumsnet are treating a mother concerned about her baby.

@Daisy5011 he did thanks but only just. I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy!

I don't think there's a way to word that message that doesn't make you sound odd.

But then your family and friends probably know that about you already.

Try not to pass your anxiety onto your kids when they get older though.

What a comeback!

What's your 'medical background' @Daisy5011?

It sounds like you have severe health anxiety and should talk to your midwife.

Get over yourself.

Its true its her choice, but there is still no medical reason to back it up. I think the OP must have known most people would think this is bizarre.

Putting the issue of holding the baby to one side, I would worry about the mental health of a new mum so concerned about germs. You do need to see people, go out, attend baby weigh ins, medical appointments etc in the first few months and there is just as much chance of catching something in the waiting room of a Doctor’s surgery.

So although its her choice, I think alot of people are trying to explain to her that it doesn’t make any sense.

I think you should send the texts. Otherwise visitors might be a little surprised when they visit and they don't get a hold, seeing as they were able to hold the first baby. Texting also allows you to answer any questions and possibly get any awkwardness out the way before DaBaby arrives.
Please don't hold DaBaby over the balcony. Remember when Michael Jackson done that? Not going to help prove you're not mad.
Surprised how many people visit just to cuddle baby. I usually visit and ask DaParents if they've any jobs they need doing so they cuddle their own baby...
Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!

A second baby normally means you are out and about within a few days anyway. Most of us can't stay at home for long with other children needing walks , visit to friends and activities etc. These places will have germs.

This is perfect

However I really think you are being terribly over anxious about this. Have you discussed this with your doctor or health visitor? It's unnaturally cautious. I would derogatory of there is something underlying here?

The message is unecessary and previous.
Just advocate for yourself and the baby- if someone wants a cuddle and you aren’t ok with it just tell them the baby is a bit fussy so you’d rather keep them for now. Or .. if someone wants a cuddle let them but after a minute or whatever say ‘oh I’ll take her back now auntie Julie’
Honestly if I got your message I’d massively roll my eyes.

Is this your first? I had some similarly batshit notions before my PFB was born. Everyone went along with it, don’t worry. Once I had my confidence up I stopped being in such a lather.

Jesus wept

Its actually not bizzare for a mother to feel like she doesnt want people to hold her baby or snatch it away from her or not give it back to her. It happens fairly often but we feel like we have no choice or not say so we just suffer in silence. And thats exactly why all these PPs are so triggered.

FWIW I sent a similar message to friends/family before my baby was born as we didn’t know how we’d feel about letting people hold her etc.

I spent ten months protecting her, people can wait a couple of weeks for a cuddle!

I’m sure people slagged us off behind our backs but to our faces people were very supportive (and nobody asked to hold her and everyone washed their hands as soon as they came in, which made me more inclined to offer them a cuddle!)

At the end of the day, however you word it, people either will or won’t have a problem with it, but it’s YOUR baby. Whatever your rules are, people should respect them.

Good luck!

Also the fuss about vaccines- the illnesses you are vaccinating against are very very unlikely to be passed on by a family member!
Unless your family members regularly travel abroad they pose no threat to a newborn!

I can’t believe majority of responses here 🙈 People offended they don’t get a cuddle with a baby! FFS noone is owed a cuddle with someone’s baby, the entitlement is just unreal.

Thanks, I'm leaning towards the sling idea.

And to clarify, I did say a couple of months anyway, maybe longer. I don't think anything magically happens at 2 months. Just letting dababy get a bit hardier first.

Older DC definitely doesn't lick anything in playgrounds, and I can say with confidence will not pick up chickenpox in a creche and pass to baby. Quite a bit passed that stage.

While newborns are mostly fine being passed to multiple people, there is no real benefit to them when they are that tiny, and there are some risks, which we are choosing not to take. We both have large immediate families, so even if we were to stick to just them, it's still quite a lot of people.

Now, I'm off. Thanks for the replies.

My DS was born the day before my DDs first holy communion.

we were greeted at the church with all the moms I knew, plus all the children and parents from my reception class I’d taught before maternity. I was in a total daze. Label still on my dress and hospital wrist and still on both of us

I remember being at the party after and watching my new baby being passed like a pass the parcel. I hated it. I was hormonal and nervous and just wanted him with me.

this was pre covid, I’d have been worse post.

Your child isn’t a toy. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

@Daisy5011 I was coming on here to give you some support, but then saw you being obnoxious. You’re a love, aren’t you 🙄

What an unhelpful reply! It’s not rocket science, Grandparents aren’t ‘safer’ but by reducing the amount of people the baby is passed to, it obviously reduces the risk of illness which is what the OP is concerned about.
OP please do not weighed down by so many ridiculous responses. Your baby, your wishes. Like many others, I have never expected newborn cuddles and would not be upset at not having a hold.

Or ask anyone who is sick not to visit and everyone visiting needs to wash their hands when coming in house and before picking up baby?