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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
Ennyyy · 29/08/2023 12:04

There really are some spiteful posters who are eagerly ignoring what OP says and wilfully misunderstanding. If these are the types of people who will keep their distance - send, send, send, OP! Do it now!

Sueveneers · 29/08/2023 12:31

OP, I absolutely LOVE your style! You are excellent at putting the attackers in their box. I am not sure I would write everyone a text, I'd probably do a facebook announcement, something like that. But the attacks you've received from other posters have been completely irrational and unwarranted, and your quirky comebacks have been absolutely fantastic.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 29/08/2023 13:44

In the kindest possible way, you need to get some help with your irrational health anxiety OP x

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 29/08/2023 13:47

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 22:26

Thanks, I'm leaning towards the sling idea.

And to clarify, I did say a couple of months anyway, maybe longer. I don't think anything magically happens at 2 months. Just letting dababy get a bit hardier first.

Older DC definitely doesn't lick anything in playgrounds, and I can say with confidence will not pick up chickenpox in a creche and pass to baby. Quite a bit passed that stage.

While newborns are mostly fine being passed to multiple people, there is no real benefit to them when they are that tiny, and there are some risks, which we are choosing not to take. We both have large immediate families, so even if we were to stick to just them, it's still quite a lot of people.

Now, I'm off. Thanks for the replies.

"Older DC definitely doesn't lick anything in playgrounds, and I can say with confidence will not pick up chickenpox in a creche and pass to baby. Quite a bit passed that stage."

Erm they can pick up ANYTHING at nursery / school 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ennyyy · 29/08/2023 13:47

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 29/08/2023 13:44

In the kindest possible way, you need to get some help with your irrational health anxiety OP x

I need to stop posting because it's winding me up now, but these constant anxiety posts... 😬 OP said she doesn't have anxiety, and being anxious does not equal anxiety. Good lord.

WasIBad · 29/08/2023 13:50

Sueveneers · 29/08/2023 12:31

OP, I absolutely LOVE your style! You are excellent at putting the attackers in their box. I am not sure I would write everyone a text, I'd probably do a facebook announcement, something like that. But the attacks you've received from other posters have been completely irrational and unwarranted, and your quirky comebacks have been absolutely fantastic.

No, no, the try hard 'quirky comebacks' are nothing other than completely cringy. 'Dababy'? Worst thing I've seen on here for a while.

Sugarfree23 · 29/08/2023 13:52

Op there is no way to word a text that you don't want people to hold your baby without it sounding like you have some sort of irrational MH issue around germs or you think your family are mingers. Or your just a snob who thinks they are above the rest of the family and wants nothing to do with them.

Your being ridiculous. People do actually have common sense and generally keep away when full of colds and bugs.

thegreylady · 29/08/2023 13:55

I just wouldn’t visit for a very long time

NotMadeOfStone · 29/08/2023 14:11

I wouldn't care about the cuddling part of it.

I think I would just feel hurt that I was viewed as an unwelcome burden and threat to a healthy baby and family.

The comment about siblings having their own babies was deeply cold and dismissive.

I don't think the OP's retorts have been awesome tbh - they've seemed very defensive and sneering. And she has still failed to explain how her own husband and child will magically not infect the baby.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 29/08/2023 14:35

@Ennyyy the OP may not be aware she has anxiety 🤷🏻‍♀️

Her posts read as having an irrational health related anxiety. That's why people have mentioned it.

A breast fed baby has its mother's own immunity. Most babies in the planet are going to be cuddled by friends & family. They don't all die or have cold sores.

It's very irrational.

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 29/08/2023 16:14

Up to you OP. I would probably feel that was a hint to not visit until baby is older and be relieved.

Lifeistootiring · 29/08/2023 16:23

I’d struggle not to feel a little cold towards your baby, even if subconsciously. Don’t do it.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 29/08/2023 16:53

It's pretty poor that a mother asks a patenting site for advice and is immediately diagnosed as having various mental health problems , way to go to support someone

OP I wouldn't do it as it seems a bit ott, but it is your baby and if that is what you choose then fair enough

Rubyupbeat · 29/08/2023 17:10

What is it on mumsnet with the withholding cuddles with the new baby? Of course it's up to you, but 2 months old, really? I wouldn't bother to visit tbh. Babies aren't made of china and of course kissing them etc.. isn't a good idea from all the visitors, but just to hold them won't harm or unsettle them.

MrsFiddle · 29/08/2023 18:02

I really wonder how both of my Great Grandmothers had 10 children each and they all survived to adulthood.

minipie · 29/08/2023 18:07

I think it’s totally fine not to want other people holding your small baby, for whatever reason you choose.

I’d probably go with a white lie of “sorry do you mind if she stays on me, she’s been unsettled today and just quietened down” rather than round robin text. Some of your visitors might not even want to hold the baby you know Grin

I quite like DaBaby btw. Middle name?

BuntyCollocks · 29/08/2023 18:13

Your newborn is going to be exposed to lots of different people in hospital, you’re going to have midwives (potentially a different one each time) coming in to visit who will have been at other families homes and will have been touching other babies and mums - this is nuts. You can’t wrap them in bubble wrap. Absolutely don’t let people kiss your baby but the not holding is weird. Get everyone to wash their hands, jobs a good ‘un

LovelyIssues · 29/08/2023 18:25

Unless their was a serious health concern this would be seen as very odd. But it's your baby & your choice.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/08/2023 18:42

I love the newborn holding bit.

Mine were passed around like pass the parcel and I've held all the newborns within multiple family gatherings . It just seems like the normal lovely family thing to do.

( I'm taking hand washing and cold sores aside , for granted here )

Health wise I really don't see a strong argument for the not holding. And anecdotally mine have immune systems like horses. In all honesty the holding embargo seems precious and uptight

BUT it's your child and your choice.

The wording seems fine. I'd also say "the baby" instead of just "baby" as someone mentioned.

Sleepytiredyawn · 29/08/2023 18:45

Your baby, your choice. I’d send it out sooner rather than later though. Friends/family may want to have a cuddle when they bring their gifts, it’s possible they might not bother coming until they’re allowed to hold the baby so they may choose a gift for when baby is a little older if they know in plenty of time.

MarvellousMonsters · 29/08/2023 18:48

TenOhSeven · 28/08/2023 18:06

If I got that message I wouldn't bother visiting. Having a cuddle with the new baby is the whole point!

No. You visit new parents to welcome the baby, and provide support. You take a pre-made meal, or do a load of laundry, help entertain the older child, sweep/vacuum or wash some dishes. But the new baby is not a toy to be passed around and mauled. I'd only hold the baby if mum asked me to because she wanted a shower or something.

CPRMummy · 29/08/2023 18:49

We did a very similar thing. COVID is still very real and babies have such a poor immune system when they're born. We put up a post saying we would invite visitors when we're ready and then only invited close family first to avoid lots of people. I also used a "Please don't touch me" sign on his pram and car seat which was a good send. The amount of strangers who think they can touch your precious newborn is insane! Yes, it's nice for people to have a newborn cuddle but it made us uncomfortable and being our baby, it was our decision. If people didn't like it, tough! Do what makes you happy. Having a newborn is hard enough without people pleasing!

Naominumbers · 29/08/2023 18:49

If I received that text, I wouldn't bother making an appearance. My baby is 12 weeks and already had a small cold. She's fine now. Probably caught it from her older sister! I don't get the angst. People holding the baby won't harm it. You sound very controlling.

Jeannie88 · 29/08/2023 18:51

Could you maybe word it as give us a few weeks and take it from there? I think the pandemic has made a lot people a bit over anxious about germs but imo I don't see a problem with holding a young baby really. I'm sure everyone washes their hands etc but if you're not happy about it, start off with a small time frame then just extend it until you're comfortable? Congratulations BTW. Xxx

Clymene · 29/08/2023 18:56

CPRMummy · 29/08/2023 18:49

We did a very similar thing. COVID is still very real and babies have such a poor immune system when they're born. We put up a post saying we would invite visitors when we're ready and then only invited close family first to avoid lots of people. I also used a "Please don't touch me" sign on his pram and car seat which was a good send. The amount of strangers who think they can touch your precious newborn is insane! Yes, it's nice for people to have a newborn cuddle but it made us uncomfortable and being our baby, it was our decision. If people didn't like it, tough! Do what makes you happy. Having a newborn is hard enough without people pleasing!

Absolutely no one touched my newborns except for people who I handed them to.

I simply don't believe we live in a world where strangers regularly maul your babies or your friends and families snatch them out of your arms.

You all need mental health support.