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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout from the rooftops PLEASE don't get pregnant..

274 replies

CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 07:28

....until you are absolutely sure that's what you want and you have thought about it and planned for it. By yourself is fine but difficult. If you're doing it with someone else, make sure he is on the same page and willing and ready and free and delighted to be a father. Contraception is incredibly reliable these days-USE it! Accidents happen occasionally, but that's what the MAP is for. If your life is very complicated or your relationship is new or fragile or volatile a baby will NOT help-I promise. It will make things worse, not better.
And breathe.....

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 28/08/2023 07:35

Sure, if I can shout from the rooftops to mind your own business 🙄.

What a naive, immature and unbalanced statement. Even fully planning a baby can leave you feeling completely unsure and unready, it is one of the scariest things a couple (or just a woman) can go through. Many people/women have not wanted kids but loved it once the child has come. Many other haves planned for years, been in the perfect place to have a baby and turned out to be awful/miserable with having a child.

Stop guilting and shaming women for having children. Not every woman can have them, not every woman wants to, but most of us will under a million different circumstances as we have from the beginning of time to continue the human race. Have some damn respect.

GreenWheat · 28/08/2023 07:41

I agree with you in theory OP, but then again I have had a fairly straightforward, uncomplex life. Not everyone is in that position and life isn't always that black and white.

BlueKaftan · 28/08/2023 07:42

I agree with the OP. Far too many children being born into dysfunctional and abusive environments, being made vulnerable by their parents bad decisions. And it’s not about continuing the human race ffs. So many women want the fairy tale despite having a partner who is so obviously not worthy.

AutumnalPumpkin · 28/08/2023 07:44

That is assuming everybody and their life is in black and white. If you're fortunate enough for it to pan out this way, brilliant. If you're not.. it is not your fault, and people make do whatever the situation. As long as the child is loved and cared for, no issues

SayingwhatIreallythink · 28/08/2023 07:44

I agree.

WandaWonder · 28/08/2023 07:45

But if that happened this place would be like a ghost town

fedupnow2 · 28/08/2023 07:45

BlueKaftan · 28/08/2023 07:42

I agree with the OP. Far too many children being born into dysfunctional and abusive environments, being made vulnerable by their parents bad decisions. And it’s not about continuing the human race ffs. So many women want the fairy tale despite having a partner who is so obviously not worthy.

This. So many women making poor decisions when it's blatantly clear the man is a bad choice. So clear. It's the kids born into these toxic relationships I feel for.

manontroppo · 28/08/2023 07:47

Agree OP. And yes, I think in some cases, it absolutely is someone’s fault that they sailed past all the warning signs and wound up in a shitty situation entirely of their own making, except with a child now in the mix. See numerous threads where women have gone on to have three children with a total twat.

No, life isn’t always black and white or easy peasy but for all that is holy, people need to critically evaluate their lives and decisions!

MintJulia · 28/08/2023 07:47

How is it your business? There are a lot of people who do not agree with you or are happy to find themselves pregnant.

I'd been told I couldn't conceive in my 30s. Was quietly enjoying a new relationship and in my mid 40s when I found myself pregnant. I was delighted. My ds is the best and most cherished part of my life. I am a grown woman and perfectly able to provide for myself and my child. My ds is a happy, secure teen, who sees his df most weeks.

Yes, there are people who probably shouldn't get pregnant for financial or emotional reasons. Yes there are plenty of men out there who are never going to be great (or even good) dads. But most women are capable of raising children on their own, and have done so throughout history. A Barratt home, a husband and a labrador (or cockerpoo these days) are not essential to giving a child a loving and secure upbringing.

FrogsWormsandCaterpillars · 28/08/2023 07:48

That’s incredibly naive of you to say.
I met my ex and we were so happy, no indication that anything was wrong/would ever go wrong.
2 children later and he had cheated on me, gambled away a lot of our money, spent a shit load on cocaine, been violent to me and plenty of other things.
If I had known any of this was to come of course I wouldn’t have had children with him, and now be in a horrible co-parenting situation that means he will always have to be a part of my life.

fedupnow2 · 28/08/2023 07:49

manontroppo · 28/08/2023 07:47

Agree OP. And yes, I think in some cases, it absolutely is someone’s fault that they sailed past all the warning signs and wound up in a shitty situation entirely of their own making, except with a child now in the mix. See numerous threads where women have gone on to have three children with a total twat.

No, life isn’t always black and white or easy peasy but for all that is holy, people need to critically evaluate their lives and decisions!

Yes now taking responsibility for your poor choices is victim blaming.

Gerrataere · 28/08/2023 07:49

Far too many children being born into dysfunctional and abusive environments, being made vulnerable by their parents bad decisions.

This idea comes for a complete classist point of view. Bad parents = less money, no own home, not married. Good parents = professional job, married beforehand, rent (or goodness forbid, council housing). Plenty of middle class parents are abusive or even simply lacking in being a good parent. In fact those with more money often excuse poor parenting with the old phrase ‘but we gave you every opportunity available, why would you think we failed you?’.

Roselilly36 · 28/08/2023 07:50

Some very true words spoken there. Are you ok OP? If you are having a difficult time, please get some support in RL.

I agree having a baby to try to repair a relationship, will never, ever work.

Baby’s bring a lot of joy, but also hard work, tiredness.

Having had two children, with a supportive DH and a wonderful late MIL that helped us both so much. I honestly don’t know how single parents manage.

NeedTheSeaside · 28/08/2023 07:51

@CurlewKate

I wouldn't try my rooftop. I definitely don't want you in my lounge., nor any shouting!

MintJulia · 28/08/2023 07:51

Far more important is that we raise girls to be able to support themselves. To expect to support themselves. To stop thinking that a man is an essential accessory and status symbol.

It would be lovely if all relationships worked but they don't, often through no-one's fault. Teaching women marketable skills and financial independence will do as much for those families.

Original poster
CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 07:52

"But most women are capable of raising children on their own, and have done so throughout history."
A point covered in my post! I am not advocating for a Barrett home lifestyle. I am advocating for women making proper active choices about their fertility.

OP posts:
TheAOEAztec · 28/08/2023 07:53

Some people are taking it oddly personally.

It's a whole different matter if kids are born and then it goes sideways to actively planning child with useless/abusive/disinterested man.

Yanbu. Someone here once said something like if people put same amount of thinking into decision of having kids as people put into decision to not have them, everything would be much better.

cocoloco117 · 28/08/2023 07:54

WandaWonder · 28/08/2023 07:45

But if that happened this place would be like a ghost town

I know, wouldn’t it be great if everyone had healthy positive relationships and AIBU didn’t exist!

PermanentTemporary · 28/08/2023 07:55

Well I suppose YANBU to me. These days an awful lot of threads are made up so I try not to get involved, but you know there are real people in those types of situations, and I can't help thinking, what on earth. It does make me grateful all over again for my mother, who instilled a rather grim focus on whether you were in a good place for parenting and if not, you'd better have your defensive or contraceptive ducks in a row, and if you didn't, well, that's why the Abortion Act exists. She loved babies so much, she would do anything for a child, most of all making sure they were born into the best circumstances she could manage. Thanks Mum.

Gerrataere · 28/08/2023 07:56

MintJulia · 28/08/2023 07:51

Far more important is that we raise girls to be able to support themselves. To expect to support themselves. To stop thinking that a man is an essential accessory and status symbol.

It would be lovely if all relationships worked but they don't, often through no-one's fault. Teaching women marketable skills and financial independence will do as much for those families.

This I agree with. Don’t tell women not to have children, teach girls that their value is more than to be a sidekick to a man and raising a family. People say all the time ‘but there’s plenty of opportunities for women now’, yet underneath it all the old patriarchal views still hold firm about a woman’s role in home and family. This thread shows that clearly - a woman still can’t be trusted to have a child unless in the ‘right position’ judged by those around her.

Famouspersoninmyhotel · 28/08/2023 07:56

OP, it seems you have had a perfect life.
what about all the children born into ‘perfect’ relationships that break down? Relationships where the couple met, were together for several years before they got engaged and then married, waited a few more years until they were financially comfortable and settled in an area with good schools and a great social support network, had 3 kids and then for a variety of reasons their relationship falls apart?
life isn’t perfect. I agree adding a baby to a difficult or unstable relationship isn’t the answer, but there are plenty of smug people out there who think they have it all sorted….until they don’t. Try not to judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes.

heartofglass23 · 28/08/2023 07:57

If I had waited for the perfect time I'd still be waiting and now too old!

Why not support women to have babies when biology is at its best ie young?

Original poster
CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 07:57

@Gerrataere

"This idea comes for a complete classist point of view. Bad parents = less money, no own home, not married. Good parents = professional job, married beforehand, rent (or goodness forbid, council housing)"

Could you let me know, for future reference, how you extrapolated that from my post?

OP posts:
Velvian · 28/08/2023 07:59

Who are you thinking of @CurlewKate ?
Or was it a random public service announcement?

CloudyMcCloudy · 28/08/2023 08:00

Is this prompted by a personal experience?