To want to shout from the rooftops PLEASE don't get pregnant..

[CurlewKate]

....until you are absolutely sure that's what you want and you have thought about it and planned for it. By yourself is fine but difficult. If you're doing it with someone else, make sure he is on the same page and willing and ready and free and delighted to be a father. Contraception is incredibly reliable these days-USE it! Accidents happen occasionally, but that's what the MAP is for. If your life is very complicated or your relationship is new or fragile or volatile a baby will NOT help-I promise. It will make things worse, not better.
And breathe.....

Which is somewhat doable if you're middle clas, moderately educated, have a career and not in an abusive relationship (and the product of abusive relationships so know no better and can't break the cycle)

If you want this to be a reality women need support, not just condescending social media posts but material support in the form of properly funded social services, further education, mental health, NHS, learning and work centres, addiction cessation, community centres, domestic violence support, access to decent housing and 100s more support services that help women that have been absolutley ravaged by this government and Labour seem too coy to say they will fund them in the next dare they alienate right wing voters and infuriate the right wing press. 🙄

I think that a lot of the cracks that appear when children arrive in a relationship are due to the hostile environment that those children are born into, designed by MPs who were weaned by nanny and left home at 7 to be reared in a public school.
Affordable, council-run childcare preparing children for school would save the country a fortune and help the outcomes of all children.

Life isn't like that. Contraception isn't foolproof.

But both my children are well adjusted adults, both have been through university - despite my first being unplanned. I wouldn't change it for anything.

My friend, on the other hand, had a very much planned baby later in life after she had known her husband for about fifteen years - yet her husband turned out to be an addict and when his second addiction kicked in, a cheating douchebag.

So while it's certainly ideal to know and plan and be sure - good luck on making life work that way.

Exactly this. I'm disappointed and disgusted with the amount of women blaming other women for getting pregnant. No one is blaming the men for being pricks and having kids. How about, if are secretly abusive but haven't let the mask drop yet, don't trick your wife into having a child. Or if you are too lazy and thoughtless, and will expect your wife to do the childcare so you don't have to let it interfere with your important man-job, don't have a partner or impregnate a woman. Or, if you might ever cheat on your wife, don't impregnate her.

But if course, this requires an insane amount of self-reflection on the man's part with a touch of Mystic-Meg-esque, so it's easier to blame the woman.

You have a valid point OP and this should be a safe space to vent.
Having a baby is a massive decision that will affect your whole life. People balk at having a dog for 12 years but go into parenthood blind sometimes.
Hope you’re ok.

Yes exactly this, I forgot to add this to my post

Its not impossible to create a society, (we saw glimpses of this during the 50s/60s and again in the recent Labour government) where social housing and education is prioritised, we had a functioning NHS, we had children centres, libraries, after school wrap around support, early help/sure start interventions, more SEN schools, benefits were 'livable' to some degree

That is so far from what we have now to support children in deprived situations but that is what the 'great' british public have voted for

Because they’ve been conditioned to believe that children are essential to a happy and fulfilling life, that their life will be empty and meaningless if they don’t have them and that they will be consumed with regret and have a lonely and loveless old age if they don’t. “Ending up childless” is a phrase I see all the time on here.

I don't care what people do but I do think it's funny when people expect you to believe 'contraception failure'. The pill works perfectly if you take it correctly. Obviously on some level you wanted the pregnancy.

The message is be in the 'right position' for the child; you've missed the crux if you think the OP meant otherwise.
One in four children live in poverty in the UK. 50% of children in single parent households are living in poverty.

I'm not teaching my daughter empty greetings card/meme soundbites about empowerment. I'm teaching her that being a parent is a massive responsibility, and that children require and deserve a decent quality of life, so choose their other parent wisely.

I work with children and I dont think its as simple as that

Teen girls these days are not conditioned into believing that,, what they (those who have experienced a lot of ACES and/or are from deprived areas) lack of a sense of value and validation, a sense of purpose and of a future where they have agency

So having a child is an easy solution to that, it means that they instantly have a little person who will love them,, validate them, fulfil their needs (they think), who give them a status, sense of purpose and mean they dont have to address other areas in their life (they werent going to address these anyway) in terms of education or working because being a mum is their job and identity now.

Its far deeper than ending up 'childless', these girls cant see past next week, let alone into menopause.

Well said

So we have to mind our own business on this issue, yet still hand over a chunk of our incomes via tax to deal with the outcomes of people's poor decisions? Ok.

If I have to pay, I get a say.

"You're preaching to the wrong people. Maybe go to a deprived area with a high teenage pregnancy rate and try it for real and see if it makes a difference?"

I am not addressing the wrong people. Have you read the Relationship board on here? And I make exactly the same point frequently to the kids-boys and girls-at the youth group I help run.

What a naive statement. You think women choose to be in abusive relationships or find themselves with a lazy useless man? You think they see what their future will look like and say yes I want that??

We all do the best we can based on our experiences, upbringing, health and support network .

I think this is a case of blaming other women, so that you can protect yourself from the fact that anyone can be screwed over.

You can criticise young mothers who aren't financially stable with a mortgage, then end up with infertility yourself, maybe without a partner and facing doing it alone if you can get pregnant. Who has is better or worse?

You think you're too good to be in the position of a young mother (for example) but you can still have struggles of your own in any position in life

Errrrr. Mind your own business

Couldn’t have worded it better myself

Where does that stop though? How much of my tax do I give over because people smoke? Drink too much and end up in A&E? Eat too much? Feed their kids too much? Choose to not abort a baby they know will have a disability rendering them unable to be self-sufficient as an adult?

Paying tax doesn't give you some God-like status that means you get to choose other people's decisions.

I do understand what you’re saying and, despite the criticism you’re getting on here, there have been many threads where posters have said to the OP, why did you have children with this man or why are you trying for a baby with this man?

For me personally I honestly thought we were going to be a happy family. When I was expecting I was absolutely sure our child was being born in to a really happy and loving environment. By the time our baby came home I already knew life was not going to be happy families and I actually felt hatred for the father because of his behaviour and attitude. Things can change on the turn of a dime, as they say.

Indeed. And you can also double up which if you’re worried about STIs is only sensible.

Yeah I have little sympathy for people who have kids with obviously unreliable men. I heard someone complaining to their friend at a group that her babydaddy has 7 kids with birthdays in the same 2 months (various years) and she's mad he isn't making more effort. Her LO was under 1. Like, unless there's some insane stuff going down, you knew he had kids before, any man with kids from multiple women (more than 2imho) needs some strong consideration and a barge pole before having a kid. Unless of course you're just looking for a donor. Can't complain if the warnings were there.

I think for most people having a baby isn't as bad as you're making out even if it is unplanned!

I do agree op at least to a point. Babies don't fix relationships, babies won't keep your man loyal, babies will keep you attached to their dad for ever even if you hate him after you split, even if he is horrible to you, and crucially this lifelong attachment applies to previous families too, whether you like it or not any previous children with other women also are important...

The world isn't black and white so it's never this simple though, we don't always make the right judgement.

Some women accept a bare minimum from men, they then have children with him. It’s often clear in advance he’s a hopeless person to have a child with but they do it because the baby will love them. It’s deeply sad.

Some young girls desperately need better self-esteem and where they don’t have the right support usually repeat the pattern of their mothers.