To want to shout from the rooftops PLEASE don't get pregnant..

[CurlewKate]

....until you are absolutely sure that's what you want and you have thought about it and planned for it. By yourself is fine but difficult. If you're doing it with someone else, make sure he is on the same page and willing and ready and free and delighted to be a father. Contraception is incredibly reliable these days-USE it! Accidents happen occasionally, but that's what the MAP is for. If your life is very complicated or your relationship is new or fragile or volatile a baby will NOT help-I promise. It will make things worse, not better.
And breathe.....

Lots of people who are not ready or fit to become parents do so. The answer is obviously complex but a lot depends on girls' aspirations, enabled by their education. The more girls believe that their aspirations for independent life are within reach, the less likely they are to self-sabotage by seeing nothing beyond children as the way out. That confidence that comes with education and self-belief is the key.

It's the deadbeat fathers who are the problem.

How many are teen mums, and how many are settled married women? So even OP's prefect plan can fall through when you choose the wrong 'DH'.

Your situation is not what the op is talking about though.
OP is talking about the numerous people who choose to have babies with men who
-they met 3 months ago
are abusive
are alcoholics
are addicts
have no job or income
already have 3 kids they never see

@AngelinaFibres what a prize pillock. I wish society would be half as harsh on these complete and utter duplicitous twerps as it is on single mums.

I agree too. There are also huge numbers of children considered to be in poverty.

I totally get how lives can change, and from comfortable living, a household can find themselves in difficult times. I’m also totally disgusted by the number of fathers who take no financial responsibility for their children. However I think young women should try to get themselves into a position where they can adequately support a child alone.

There’s far more awareness around contraception, more equality of opportunity and pay nowadays, yet somehow less personal responsibility.

Bold of you to assume you know better than the statistics the ones that say a lot of abuse STARTS DURING PREGNANCY

bit late then isn't it

The last sentence is excellent advice.

THANK YOU! I never felt sure so husband and I put off having children. I’m 36 and surprise pregnant - I couldn’t be more thrilled. Most parents I know have said you can never find the perfect timing.

I agree with you OP.

God I've heard some horror stories, on here and in real life.

The good news however is that the message does seem to be getting through. The last lot of stats through from the Government show that there were more terminations/MAP applications last year (the last year the stats are available for) than ever before.

As ever making male violence and abuse from men women's problem 😒

Far too many give little or no thought into having children. I know couples who never discussed whether they wanted children or how many etc but just had them because "that's what you do".

Me and DH discussed for ages whether to have children and came to the decision that we wouldn't. We also probably spent more time thinking whether to get a dog or not than lots of couples spend thinking about having children

But you can choose the 'perfect' guy who you think you know really well and it can still go horribly wrong.

People change, disguise their abusive behaviour, have affairs, are useless parents... etc..

It's well known a lot of men only start to show their abusive behaviour when their partner becomes pregnant.

Contraception isn't 100% effective

Life is way more complex and unpredictable, so your lecture doesn't really apply to the real world

@Fairyliz , darn right there are touchy posters.

I'm safely middle aged, middle class and live in a detached house now, but once I was a very vulnerable pregnant teenager in an abusive relationship.

The series of events that led me to that point started when I was 11 and my parents seemingly considered their work done.

I received family planning care (that I took myself along to underage) that was re-traumatising, disrespectful and unquestioning. When I was pregnant and giving birth to to my DS1 at 16 and 17, I received care from people that were disapproving, disrespectful, lacking compassion, at times vindictive. It was traumatic.

When I was bringing up my DS (married) and doing my very best, I did not have the goodwill that I had as a mother in my 30s. This made a very difficult situation even harder. People wore their opinions on their faces, when not out loud.

If you were parented to adulthood and received an education, I think you can consider yourself lucky, rather than morally superior.

I completely agree.

I think children and families generally get massively over-pumped. Kids aren’t for everyone - they are a lifestyle choice which doesn’t suit all. Personally, I miss the many freedoms I had pre-child, it’s not anyone’s fault, I was aware of how life changing it would be, just not of the exact effects it would have on my life. Am sure many are in the same boat. My only saving grace is I recognised how hard I found it and stopped at one. My advice to my daughter will be ‘parenting isn’t for everyone, maybe it’s not for you?’.

Oh, another public service announcement thread 🙄 How bloody egotistical.

Agree 100% @Velvian

Same people yapping about contraception and making good choices are quite happy to slate teen parents (children, not even adults) who often have chaotic, abusive or neglectful upbringings. You have no idea what the circumstances are for another woman's baby so myob.

You're not cleverer than anyone else because you married at 32 and had babies at 34 and 36 and everything is la-de-da for you.

@Truemilk I agree. I thought I was making all the sensible choices marrying a man I knew for a while as a friend, both working professionals, liked by family and friends. It was clear after settling down and having children he was abusive and became financially irresponsible.

Of course I regret him being their father now but I can’t change what I didn’t know. Blaming a woman in this situation only makes this reality harder.

With that said, I’ve learned from my experiences and have been intentionally single for a number of years. I don’t want to have any more children and will spend a long time dating my next partner before making next steps.

I hear you, OP. It's been another bad weekend month year on MN, where women of apparently very little brain routinely make piss-poor delusional irresponsible decisions around conception, in blatantly unsuitable or obviously abusive relationships.

We really need to licence for parenthood.

Based solely on what I read on MN, it seems everyone has a perfect husband until they have kids, then the cracks show.

It's only then that you see the laziness, the disregard, the stress-leading-to-arguments... or subsequent straying because sex isn't as available and libidos are lower.

Truthfully, before coming on MN, I would have said the same as OP a few years ago. It's not as easy as wait and be sure!

What about when people have children in war zones or while living under uncertain regimes and economic crises. What about all the families that wanted children and actively tried for them during the plague, civil war, second and first world wars?

People have children, thats sort of how species function.

You will no doubt say that was different because women didnt have much of a say and that contraception didnt exist/wasnt easily available and of course that is true but the point is that humans will always procreate, just like any other animal.

Instead of focusing purely on women I think we need to ensure that men are forced to take responsibility for children they produce. And we need to put a lot more funding into finding decent contraception for men to use. Constantly focusing on women means that many men think it is ultimately not their responsibility.
I think the comments about contraception are a bit naive as no method is 100% effective and the MAP is only appropriate if you know your contraception has failed. It’s also not 100% effective.

I’m sick of MEN….

Who don’t take responsibility for their own contraception.

Who don’t pay for or support their children.

Who don’t take equal responsibility for parenting their children

Who don’t take responsibility for their home.

Who pretend to be something they are not.

Who are abusive.

Who are porn addled, unfaithful, navel gazing self interested, selfish twats who expect a woman to have and DO it all!

What's the point of this post?

It reminds me in university of the Dean coming into a lecture, and bemoaning the poor attendance.... To the people who were actually attending.....

You're preaching to the wrong people. Maybe go to a deprived area with a high teenage pregnancy rate and try it for real and see if it makes a difference?