To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

Sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I think you're right to be evaluating your relationship and what you get out of it.

It's not fair that you have been left to do everything with your shared 18 month old.

Does he parent the older two or is that also left to you?

Sounds awful - will he listen to your views on other decisions in the future or will you just be shut down?

I'd be seriously considering leaving, you sound very unhappy (understandably so).

Ffs this is such an unnecessary response to somebody who clearly does a lot for her DSC. As if SHE'S the problem in the relationship for only doing somewhat loads for her SC and should be scared of him leaving her, when her partner doesn't even do that much for his OWN child and doesn't listen to her opinion either.

My DSS is 10. He doesn't have any of the above issues and we could change things if he did. For now, it makes for more sense for him to share a room, given he is still a non pubescent child, than a baby that still wakes in the night. It sounds like OP is in a similar position.

Can’t possibly respond to everyone - but to those bringing up “wet dreams” and “masturbation”, sorry to break it to you, but I will not be sacrificing my sanity & sleep so a 9 year old can explore masturbating. BYE! Y’all lost me there. GO FIND JESUS 😂

And for all those saying I’m putting my child first, yes I am. We are not married, and my baby needs extra help getting to sleep and staying asleep at this age. Thanks for the answers, I won’t be responding anymore.

It does make logical sense for the girls to share for all the reasons given but you're not seeing this in an objective way and I understand why.

You earn more than he does, you do everything around the house and for your child who it seems he has little to do with other than playing occasionally. You also seem to imply you do a lot for his children too, cooking, activities, school pick ups and drop offs, laundry, packed lunches etc. So again is he leaving raising his children to you?
This leads to resentment and you feeling you are bottom of the pecking order and not a priority. Suddenly there is a change of circs and your daughter is the one who has to compromise, it probably feels like an extension of the way you are treated.

The problem here isn't about rooms it's about the dynamic of the relationship. You need to make it clear to him how you feel away from the rooms conversation and if he can't or won't start pulling his weight you need to make a decision about whether you'd be better off on your own.
Potentially you would be, you earn more than he does, you'd only have your own child to think about and crucially there wouldn't be the building resentment of carrying the weight of another adult who then stamps his feet and makes 'final decisions' without consulting you.

I think this sums it up, to be honest.

Too many people have kids and don't think about the long-term consequences unfortunately.

I'd put the toddler in with the 6yo and 9 yo gets own room. If they were all your children what would you do? Also the mornings with 3 kids is chaos and running around, get the toddler up with the others and ut may help with her sleep.

OP the answer is on here,
Bed 1 you and toddler
Bed 2 Partner and son
Bed 3 DSD

She didn't know the SC would be living with them full time! That's a new development

It's always something you need to be prepared for if you pick a partner with children though.

What if the mum could no longer care for them for some reason, or became unwell and passed away?

These aren't visiting children for a night a week - in that case I would absolutely say that the child who was permanently resident should have their own room.

There are 3 dc living full time with you.

Putting a 9 year old boy in to share with a 6 year old girl whilst a toddler girl has her own room is bonkers and not anything I've seen families with 3 dc do unless extremely special circumstances like SEN etc.

Pull your big girl pants up, get off Insta and stop dreaming of the 'perfect nursery for your baby' which is what it sound's like you're doing...and realise there are THREE children who live there full time and all three need the same consideration as part of the family.

Or, if you can't or won't accept that, time to leave with your dd and get your own two bed.

Its not entirely clear from the original post.

OP complains about hers and DDs sleep schedule being disturbed by DP and SC because they all need to get up early to go to school and work. This sounds like he does get his kids ready and the SC aren’t just dumped on OP for her to get ready. OP is complaining he does nothing for their daughter other than play now and then.

OP and DP need to have a chat about whether they are going to work as 1 family and pull together. At the minute it’s very much his and hers.

Agree with this. Third DC usually fit in with the rest of the family.

This will be shot down but IMO anybody that brings luggage to a relationship (a former family) is a relationship that’s dead in the water from the off.

The dad/ mum of the kids will always be torn between the children from the old relationship and yourself.. and then they’ll be torn between the new (children) and the old family. It’s an unnecessary conflict to introduce to a family unit.
Just don’t go there.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll be convinced to ‘only have 1 child too’ even if you considered more initially because he’s had his fill - he has 3 and you have 1, and hell
make an argument for space for the children. Again another choice/ conflict that doesn’t need to be made if you find someone who doesn’t bring a broken family.

Failing that you should have moved to a place with 4 bedrooms. Easily said than done I know - it’s expensive.

Failing that - they live with their mum more so your daughter has priority on the room as she lives in the house 100% of the time.

It’s rubbish but these are all the things you see on Mumsnet time and again and that are to be expected with a mixed family.
it’s on you and your partner to work through.

He was wrong to bring his children into the discussion and they are disrespecting your thoughts and feelings by going on about it to guilt trip you.

You shouldn’t have had children with someone who isn’t already a parent if you’re not willing to think about what is best for all the children. The divide you’re creating will create massive issues going forward.

Yabu. The house is too small for that. The older 2 are too old to be sharing as they are boy/girl.

Spot on

I second this comment about what boys that age get up to as the reason not for the siblings to be sharing. I remember the same from my younger brother.

I wouldn’t put an 18 month old who is a poor sleeper in with another child either. I think you need to look at alternative accommodation/bed downstairs or the kids have to go stay with their mum.

Just split the biggest bedroom, it’s honestly that simple!
Your other relationship problems are separate issues but you sound as if you activity dislike your DP and his children so it maybe time for a rethink?

It says in the first paragraph that OP works. There's something wrong when people are filling in blanks based on assumptions instead of just reading what is unequivocally stated.

And clearly you weren't only referring to the location where OP does her work anyway, because you wouldn't have assumed she'd have more money 'going back to work' then. The only way that sentence would make sense is if you thought she was a SAHP.

6 year old doesn't come to bed until baby is asleep.

Its abundantly clear.

OP says he does nothing for his youngest child other than play. He has three children and has obligations towards all of them.

You might even find the 18 month old sleeps better with the 6yo than with you or alone.

My little sister was put in with me when we were little for precisely that reason. Even when we were older and had her own rooms, she'd still come in and sleep with me sometimes.

I also remember the comfort of sharing with my much older sister - some of my earliest memories as she got her own room when I was 3. I'd fall asleep as she listened to her records or chatted as she got ready to go out.

Aside from all the other problems in your relationship, it is well worth trying the girls in together.

Let me start by saying I am making a huge assumption here, ie that you and your fiancé will still be an item in five years time, which I think is not a given based purely on the attitude you have about your fiancés children.

So, in five years time the boy will be 13 and the girl 11. Not really a good option for them to be sharing.

What you need to do, if the relationship has legs, is to be looking for ways to optimise your current house and future proofing it. Either the girls get the largest bedroom, the boy the smallest and you and the fiancé the middle sized one. You work out how to divide the largest bedroom so that each girl gets their own space. Easier to do with a larger room. Or they share the middle bedroom and you work out how they share the space.

Whatever you decide to do , please up your contraception because bringing a fourth child into this sad adult blended family would not be a good idea.

Sorry to tell you but, whether you like it or not, he will be wanking. You might not like to think about that ,but it's the truth. And you { you and his dad}should bear that in mind, and protect your daughters.

I think given how strongly you feel about this issue, you might be right.

I'd move out OP. Your former partner will have to just take over parenting of his older children and they will get a room each, which they really do need.

You and your DD can have a fresh start with you as a single parent - you can get to decide exactly where and how she sleeps when she is with you.

Presumably when she goes to stay with her dad and half siblings, he will put her in with her sister, but then he will have to deal with bedtime etc.

I didn’t say he was a hero but he must care.

From the original post, he obviously gets the older kids up and gets them out to school while OP deals with the baby which is why I asked about the rest of the day. Who does dinner, who puts the older children to bed etc?

The work load of 3 kids has to split somewhere. Does her DP think it’s best he deals with the older two while OP sorts the baby? He might foolishly think he’s doing the right thing. If OP isn’t happy with this then she needs to tell him. Putting the baby in a separate room isn’t the answer.

OP may have less kids but BOTH adults need to pull together if they want to work as a family.