To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

Badly blended, but actually adult blended also works because it is clear the childrens needs come last with both of you.

Maybe you should doing that and let their father provide a little more time, care and energy.

also in regards to your “shared” child.

i do think yabu about the room, the 9 yo is soon too old.

but you sound exhausted. And your partner sounds less than ideal.

It is a serious risk factor for sexual abuse. Plus, plenty of 9 year old are masterbating and he needs privacy.

And you’ve lost me here. The boy will do this whether you like it or not and as parents, there is duty to protect your children.

I completely understand and empathise with what it feels like to be incredibly sleep deprived because of a baby/toddler, but you are just putting your needs above every child in that household, which isn’t right.

Of course he has obligations to them all.

This why I asked about their schedule. Is he an idle fucker that comes in and expects to be waited on hand and foot? Does he spend 7am-7pm at work/commuting by which time the OP has done everything? Does he put the older children to bed while OP puts baby to bed- would OP consider swapping over and letting DP put baby to bed while she tucks in the others?

What I am trying to say is that putting the baby in her own room isn’t the answer to the OP’s problem. She needs to have a sit down with DP and sort out a better system moving forward.

You said him having taken on his older DC full time means he isn't a deadbeat.

As he does so little for his youngest, that's bollocks. Whether he thinks he's a deadbeat or not is irrelevant, and nor does anything else you wrote affect that point either.

The OP already feels take advantage of, clearly with good reason, and is considering ending the relationship because of the way DP treats her. Which is a good idea.

All the people saying "what would you do if these were your own children, you're only thinking about your own child" need to realise this is a straw man argument. I'm in a similar position to OP and have made the same decision as her, but the 6yo in my case IS my own child. My decision was not because only the baby is mine, that isn't the case, it is just what we decided was best based on everyone's needs.

It is my genuine opinion that need for your own room starts high, then drops dramatically, and slowly increases again as you approach puberty. A baby needs their own room more than an older child, even if they are of the opposite sex and MIGHT become pubescent soon (but aren't yet) - or more aptly everyone being disturbed by the baby needs them to have their own room. When they reach 2-3 they become ideal age for sharing, and this continues until puberty. It is the better option for a not yet pubescent 9 year old to share with his 6 year old sister, than for a still waking baby to do so. This will change within a year or two years, when the baby sleeps better, and the 9 year old reaches puberty, and THEN it will become a no brainer that he should have his own room.

It is NOT a given that everybody who was biological parent to more than just the baby in this situation, would disagree with OP.

You get one thing right here, which is that the baby having her own room isn't the answer to OPs problem. She's already come up with the optimum one by herself, ie ending this relationship with a man who takes advantage of her.

That sounds like a dad problem to me he can solve it

You cannot control wet dreams. Christ you’re in for a shock.

Do you really need this spelling out to you? Like literally? Because I don't believe for a second you don't know why.

OP,

I strongly recommend you search for the posts of @Misste And @Misste1

She was in a similar situation where she was treated badly and after a short amount of time had his 3 children fulltime and was treated so poorly.

She wisely got out and had also refused to marry the user.

Put your child first and get out now.

You both deserve much better.

Do not marry a man who cares nothing for your opinion and whose family think they can stick their nose in your business.

He's lazy too?

They ALWAYS are.

Get out now.

The fact that op is refusing to consider this is such a red flag in terms of safe guarding. I hope that she brings this relationship to an end for the sake of all 3 children.

I totally understand your position. You need to support baby's sleep, and the best way is to give the baby a separate room for now.

At this moment, 6&9 have more similar patterns than 1,5&6. If there wasn't the move the older ones would be sharing anyway, so sharing for a bit further isn't the end of the world.

When equipping the rooms, do it in a away which will allow easy change after a year/year and half, but stand your ground for now.

I am a sex therapist. There is a lot of literature. Many children masturbate before they have any understanding of it being sexual. They just explore their bodies and discover it feels nice. It is not a given that puberty has to happen for masturbation.

Are you buying or renting OP? If renting could you rent a 4 bedroom house if you can find one? If buying and you are caring for 3 DC either the girls will have to share or you aim to sell and buy a 4 bedroom if you want your DD to have her own room. That will mean more SDLT and solicitors fees. Lots of posters have told you when a child reaches 10 they can't share with an opposite sex sibling. How many months before DSS is 10? I do know one family where the Mum and Dad sleep in the sitting room on the sofa bed to let the child have their own room but I wouldn't do this. Is it likely DSC will remain living with their Dad or might they go back to Mum?

Your last post is very ott.

Of course boys explore their bodies. It’s very natural to do so.

It does sound like dp does lots for his older children (why is he the only one up for breakfast/morning routine, with the older kids ?)which would leave you with more involvement with the baby. He should obviously do more for her than just play, but then tbh it sounds as if you do put her first over the other children that you seem to resent massively. Perhaps he feels he needs to over compensate for this reason?

There does seem a huge divide over the two sides of the family. Tell me I’m wrong if that’s the case, but it’s not fair for you to prioritise your child over the others. He has three children to juggle equally and if you are giving more to one, then naturally he has to counterbalance this by giving more of himself to the other two.

Lots of children explore their bodies, puberty ramps up the intensity. It used to be quite common for sibling incest to take place purely due to overcrowding and lack of privacy. That is not hysteria BTW, there is evidence of this happening.
So, yes, the boy needs his own room,long before you think he does.
Just to add many years ago I had a boyfriend who confessed he had inappropriately touched his sister because they shared a room. He was about 9 too. He soon became an 'ex'.

What's your feelings on you DSC? As I would say if you do not love them, you need to leave, it's not fair ob You, your partner and importantly them if you are unable to treat them equally!! I have 2 SC who I class as my children as when I agreed to live with their dad I chose them too! I love them and treat them equally to my biological child and my DSD has her own room and the boys share!! To prioritise one child over the others is not cool!!

How about prioritising them all according to their needs, given there is a strong and perfectly valid argument that the baby needs their own room more than the 9 year old until they are a bit older?

Section 325 of the Housing Act 1985 (the ‘room standard’) provides a household may be statutorily overcrowded where children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 have to share a room.

From the age of 10 opposite sex shouldn't share a room of possible as its classed as overcrowding- seriously why would a 18 month need their own room? Most people growing up shares a room with a sibling of the same sex.

It’s not about him exploring himself etc but it’s something that may be happening soon so it’s not appropriate for him to share with his little sister.

Sorry this isn’t the life you expected but this was always an opportunity that the children would stay with you. This is part of getting together with someone who already has children. They are a part of your life and you are part of theirs.

i have a 16 month old and sleep is difficult but we can’t just have a long lie because we had a rubbish night sleep, the rest of the family get up at a standard time to get ready for the day so I’ve found it’s much easier trying to get my dd into an earlier routine.

I’m sorry you feel you haven’t got the answers and support you’re looking for but truth is it’s not practical for the other children to share. Your little one doesn’t need to typical nursery but if you feel she does then maybe you need to have more discussions about living arrangements with your dp. If you’re this unhappy about sleeping arrangements then there’s maybe a lot more going on in this relationship.

When they reach 2-3 they become ideal age for sharing, and this continues until puberty.
See, I agree with this but don't think this means the toddler needs their own room, they could stay with parents.