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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

325 replies

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 08:37

TheYadaYada · 28/08/2023 08:28

I think you’re being unreasonable here. If the 3 of them were yours, the girls would share.

It seems you want preferential treatment for your own child.

And why wouldn’t she ? That’s natural . She’s not even married to this man. She needs out ,or her child will always be pushed aside .
There’s always dramas with the older kids in this scenario too , as well as the dad going into super Disney dad mode .

Mostlyoblivious · 28/08/2023 08:39

You and baby in one room, boy and fiancé another, girl in her own room and then re-evaluate once baby is more settled in their sleep (or you leave the fiancé..)

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 08:41

I can't but think that the underlying issue lies within your post - the references to "his kids" and "MY baby". Whilst this is the mentality in your household, there will always be problems. You've taken on 2 other children with this relationship and there should be no 'mine' or 'his' when it comes to your SC or the baby. Just out of interest, when you say your fiance does nothing with the baby other than occasionally play with her, what does he do for the other 2?

Zonder · 28/08/2023 08:42

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 06:49

@Batatahara

Totally agree. Never meant to imply that this would be a permanent arrangement. I have no problem with the girls sharing a room when my youngest regulates her sleep better. I’m sure they’d both enjoy it.

In that case I would say you need the little one to have her own room maybe even for 6 months to start with while a sleep pattern is established and then move to the girls sharing.

ActDottie · 28/08/2023 08:43

Girls share and the boy has his own room is the logical solution. You knew you had to accommodate step kids when you met this man and to me it sounds like you want your kid to have the best stuff and your stepchildren come second. At 9 the boy needs his own room it’s not really suitable that he shares with his sister anymore.

MotherofTerriers · 28/08/2023 08:46

I think you've got much bigger issues than bedroom allocation here - do you own or rent? Please don't marry this man. He appears to be taking far more from you than he is giving. Your fiancé and "his" family seem to be making the decisions while you do the donkey work and earn the money. I'd be very suspicious about the sudden change in circumstances which leaves you caring for and housing his children full time. Was your voice heard when this was discussed?
Maybe have a hard think about what your life would look like without him. And then a serious conversation

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 08:51

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 07:01

@Simonjt

Can I honestly ask what is so forbidden about two young biological siblings close in age sharing a bedroom? Everyone says this as if I’m asking if a 17 year old boy can share a room with a 4 year old girl. I’m talking about 2 innocent prepubescent children temporarily sharing a room.

Im genuinely asking because so many of you are so adamant about this.

Edited

Not sure how helpful this is, but as a non-Brit I am totally befuddled by this as well. My own niece and nephew, now 15 and 14, have been happily sharing a loft room for several years until quite recently. Not a punishment on the boy, in fact the loft was so enticing that switching there from his previous single room was a birthday present to him from the oldest sister who'd been sharing with younger until then! No issues whatsoever; the only reason they switched it back again was because eldest has started uni so is absent more and also, nephew started gaming and that got a little too disruptive.

Totally get you on the sleep issues and would feel exactly the same way about it. Your partner's My Way or the Highway attitude sounds very unattractive, especially if he isn't pulling his weight.

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 08:52

ActDottie · 28/08/2023 08:43

Girls share and the boy has his own room is the logical solution. You knew you had to accommodate step kids when you met this man and to me it sounds like you want your kid to have the best stuff and your stepchildren come second. At 9 the boy needs his own room it’s not really suitable that he shares with his sister anymore.

Here we go … always happens . In any step parent thread ‘you should have known’
/‘you knew you had to …’Funnily enough it nearly always involves putting step kids above your own or accommodating them in an unreasonable / unnatural way. Don’t even dare put your own flesh and blood before the step kids . I feel sorry for the 18 month old . Hope OP gets out, not much in this for her or her child .
🙄

Mariposista · 28/08/2023 08:53

You’re massively favoriting your biological child 🙄
once the oldest kids are teens,sharing won’t really be an option.
Sleep train, a bit of discipline and crack on.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/08/2023 08:53

I get why you want your own child to have her own room - mainly for sleep but also as she's yours

Problem is when you meet a man with children you take them on as well

So same sex have to share

You did say op that happy for girls to share when older /sleeps better

I suggest you put your child in small room and do sleep training

Then once sleeping well then to move your daughter into larger room and boy into small room

I get why they say different sex shouldn't share in council houses but what about those who own their own house or private renting / and 2 kids and 2 bedroom they share

crew2022 · 28/08/2023 08:54

An 18 month does not need their own room over a 9 year old boy not sharing with a 6 year old.
This is because they are not your biological children and you are prioritising your own child. Which is fine but don't live with the father of two children who didn't ask for this.
You're not in the right space to be a full time step parent so I suggest you and your 18month old do move out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/08/2023 08:55

Yabu. Of course the girls need to share. It's by far the most obvious solution.

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 08:55

Mariposista · 28/08/2023 08:53

You’re massively favoriting your biological child 🙄
once the oldest kids are teens,sharing won’t really be an option.
Sleep train, a bit of discipline and crack on.

🙄 ‘Massively favouring’ her own child vs unrelated children who in reality won’t be a part of her life if she leaves her FIANCÉ( they aren’t even married ).

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 08:57

My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule

What time counts as ‘extremely early’ to get up for school? What time are you up to start work? Where is the baby whilst you work?

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 08:57

A three bed is not ideal for your set up as on the one hand you have two similarly aged children of the opposite sex, and on the other, you have a large age gap. Neither are prime candidates for sharing.

Personally, with somewhat similar age gaps, we have DSS sharing with my DD1 until DD2 is a good age to swap with him - she has her own room atm. This is what I would do in your shoes.

Long term, though, I'd be looking at a way to get another bedroom, because a five year age gap between the two girls is always going to be tricky. When one is 15 and the other 10, for instance.

This is the advice I would give in a strong relationship worth saving, but honestly I'd strongly consider splitting up here. Your partner sounds like a piss taker - he does not pull his weight with your baby, you do a disproportionate amount for his kids as well, and he then has the audacity to accuse you of pushing them out. And this is on top of you being the main earner providing for him and his two kids. He does not believe your opinion has equal weight to his, which it absolutely should in a partnership. He sounds crap.

Mikimoto · 28/08/2023 08:57

Why not promote it (especially to the kids) as a "baby room" and a "big kids' room", so they're happier about sharing?
This same sex must share is just claptrap. You can always swap the rooms about when the toddler's bigger!

Zonder · 28/08/2023 08:58

ActDottie · 28/08/2023 08:43

Girls share and the boy has his own room is the logical solution. You knew you had to accommodate step kids when you met this man and to me it sounds like you want your kid to have the best stuff and your stepchildren come second. At 9 the boy needs his own room it’s not really suitable that he shares with his sister anymore.

She didn't know the SC would be living with them full time! That's a new development.

PrimalOwl10 · 28/08/2023 08:58

My two children used to share together they are full brother and sister and for the most part loved it. When dd was nine we swapped bedrooms so she had her own bedroom and ds1 shared with ds2. Took a while and ds2 would end up in dd bedroom but it was important that she had her own space. I don't understand why you can't see that. What if he has wet dreams, erections, starts puberty early. Its not all appropriate and everyone's telling you that but you refuse to listen. I don't think this relationship will last because you don't seem to consider the needs of all the children within the household, just the needs of your own child.

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 09:01

Zonder · 28/08/2023 08:58

She didn't know the SC would be living with them full time! That's a new development.

Show quote history

Yes @Zonder , but didn’t you know when you become a step parent you should have known everything because you took them on ! Step parents have crystal balls you see :) .

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 09:01

Therese are the rules for social housing:

You can have 1 bedroom for each person who's single and aged 16 or older. 2 people usually need to share a room if they're: a couple. under 10 years old - it doesn't matter if they're girls or boys.

If you make the older two share you will have the same problem in a few months. Better to get the girls used to it now or move house.

pinkyredrose · 28/08/2023 09:02

Why does he do fuck all with his kids? Does he realise that he's a father?

Livelovebehappy · 28/08/2023 09:04

I’d find some way of creating extra space. Loft conversion?

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 09:06

Livelovebehappy · 28/08/2023 09:04

I’d find some way of creating extra space. Loft conversion?

I wouldn’t . I’d leave this waste of space man and set up on my own .

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 28/08/2023 09:07

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 07:27

Room 1 - you and baby
room 2- dad and son
room 3- 6 year old girl

is there any opportunity to extend or convert into another bedroom?

is mum paying maintenance?

I was just going to suggest this, works perfectly for you, OP

RedHelenB · 28/08/2023 09:08

PinkCherryBlossoms · 28/08/2023 08:32

It says in the OP that she works. From home.

Because you're not the first person to have somehow acquired the idea that OP is a SAHP, she subsequently told us that she is in fact the higher earner.

Show quote history

It was because she said she was the only caregiver, do suggesting baby was at home with her. The obvious solution if she's working is for baby to be at nursery so she then would fit in with the normal working day schedule as the rest of tge family.

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