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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

325 replies

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Aprilx · 28/08/2023 10:34

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:22

In what way would I ever be “pushing the old family out”? I clearly stated I help him a ton with the older kids. I take them to extracurriculars all week/weekend, cook dinner for them, pack lunches, help with homework, do their laundry, etc. Always have.

If all three were yours, you wouldn't even be thinking that it was ok to put your 9 year old boy and 6 year old girl together whilst your 18 month old baby gets their own room. That is why you are being unfair to the "old family", like they don't really matter, they can be chucked in together now baby has come along.

Zonder · 28/08/2023 10:41

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 09:01

Yes @Zonder , but didn’t you know when you become a step parent you should have known everything because you took them on ! Step parents have crystal balls you see :) .

Show quote history

Silly me, forgetting that. And those who don't have crystal balls really aren't fit to be step parents at all.

Batatahara · 28/08/2023 10:49

Aprilx · 28/08/2023 10:34

If all three were yours, you wouldn't even be thinking that it was ok to put your 9 year old boy and 6 year old girl together whilst your 18 month old baby gets their own room. That is why you are being unfair to the "old family", like they don't really matter, they can be chucked in together now baby has come along.

Show quote history

Well, I don't think that's a given.

I wouldn't want my 6 year old to be disturbed at night so I probably would wait till the little one was sleeping through before the girls would start sharing

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 10:51

See, I agree with this but don't think this means the toddler needs their own room, they could stay with parents.

Yes, that's an option too. Personally we haven't felt the need to do that as DSS shows no signs of being pubescent and is still as childish as ever, and it was important to us that DD2 not get used to sleeping with adults, but it is an option.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 28/08/2023 10:55

PriOn1 · 28/08/2023 04:10

I think I’d ditch the fiancé. He’s not pulling his weight and you can then raise your baby as you wish. But unfortunately yes, I do think you are being potentially unreasonable to expect a boy of nine and a girl of six to share a bedroom, while your baby has a room of its own.

This really.

Aprilx · 28/08/2023 11:05

Batatahara · 28/08/2023 10:49

Well, I don't think that's a given.

I wouldn't want my 6 year old to be disturbed at night so I probably would wait till the little one was sleeping through before the girls would start sharing

Show quote history

I wasn't really talking about the timing.

heartofglass23 · 28/08/2023 11:07

You need a 4 bed.

A 9yo girls need for privacy and safety from a brother trumps 100% you/your dd.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 11:17

I wasn't really talking about the timing.

Well OP was, she said the arrangement could be temporary until the baby sleeps better.

It isn't invalid to say that a 6 year old would be more adversely affected by being woken up several times every night than by continuing to share with their brother they have no reason to suspect of being abusive for a little longer.

And as PP said, some of us WOULD make that decision if all the children were ours.

cadburyegg · 28/08/2023 11:20

I have 2 boys, 8.5 and 5.5 who share and I think ds1 would struggle to share a bedroom with a sister. He is quite self conscious and won't get changed for PE etc in front of other children at school. He already explores his body quite freely, shall we say, so I'd feel uncomfortable about him sharing with a sister too.

It's the need for privacy, the 9 year old might start to feel uncomfortable changing around his younger sister. Surely you want both of them to feel comfortable and not have to get changed in the bathroom?

I think as your dd is only 18mo it's easy to think of much older children as "easier" but they have their own needs. Would you feel comfortable with her sharing with a 9/10 yo boy when she is 6/7?

I think you should keep your dd in with you for now, until she is sleeping better. Give the 9yo the smallest room and the 6yo the bigger one, with the intention of moving the toddler in with her when she starts sleeping better.

I don't fully understand how this hasn't been thought through properly before, even if you still had the 9yo and 6yo sharing now, surely you'd concede that in 4 years time you couldn't have a 13yo boy and 9yo girl sharing, even if the original plan was only have them with you every other weekend? Or were you planning on moving again?

You don't seem to have given much thought to the older children's needs - it's all about what you want for your 18mo.

Aprilx · 28/08/2023 11:27

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 11:17

I wasn't really talking about the timing.

Well OP was, she said the arrangement could be temporary until the baby sleeps better.

It isn't invalid to say that a 6 year old would be more adversely affected by being woken up several times every night than by continuing to share with their brother they have no reason to suspect of being abusive for a little longer.

And as PP said, some of us WOULD make that decision if all the children were ours.

So I still wasn't talking about the timing. I was like the majority of posters, talking about the appropriateness of a 9yr old boy and 6 year old girl sharing. Not sure what your issue is. with me.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 11:32

@Aprilx
I don't have an issue with you, I addressed one of your comments, as is pretty standard on here. You said that nobody would choose to put their own children of this age together and have the 18 month old in their own room, myself and the PP you were talking to said that like OP, we would actually, for the time being.

Aprilx · 28/08/2023 11:41

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 11:32

@Aprilx
I don't have an issue with you, I addressed one of your comments, as is pretty standard on here. You said that nobody would choose to put their own children of this age together and have the 18 month old in their own room, myself and the PP you were talking to said that like OP, we would actually, for the time being.

What? What are you on about? That was rhetorical, I am not interested.

Namddf · 28/08/2023 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

Also wondering how on Earth she could possibly know this…

Namddf · 28/08/2023 11:50

Zonder · 28/08/2023 10:41

Silly me, forgetting that. And those who don't have crystal balls really aren't fit to be step parents at all.

Show quote history

Tbh this thread is exactly why I would never become a step parent.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 12:05

What? What are you on about? That was rhetorical, I am not interested.

Why even make the statement if you are so averse to people commenting on it? Bizarre.

That's what you said, a couple of people said it wasn't the case. Pretty standard stuff.

Newmumatlast · 28/08/2023 12:12

Sorry yabu. A 9yr old boy shouldn't be sharing with a girl imo anyway unless you've no other option, which you do. And even if you felt he is still young enough to share, it is only a matter of time anyway when it really would be inappropriate for them to share. Your child is only little and really doesn't need their own room plus has a sibling the same sex who they can share with.

I understand your upset. I had my stepchild living with us when I had my first child and I was really sad that I didn't get to have a nursery or space for my child. I had to move things out of my own drawers to put my child's things in, in a house that my job had paid the most money to secure.

However, the harsh answer is dony get into a relationship with a man with kids if you don't want to make room for those children. If all of the kids were yours you wouldn't be making the decision you want to make would you as it would be ridiculous making the older 2 share to make space for the youngest in this scenario. So really it is about them being your step children. Either buy or rent 3 bed property or else accept what they're saying. And perhaps some counselling might help the very real feelings you feel which are in my experience like a type of grief for what you could've had.

Jevwaypock · 28/08/2023 12:16

Would it be an option to partition one of the rooms?

Newmumatlast · 28/08/2023 12:21

Jevwaypock · 28/08/2023 12:16

Would it be an option to partition one of the rooms?

This is a really good idea. I've seen some good ones done via bunk beds and blocking off the side so they is effectively one bed in each 'room'

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 12:25

If all of the kids were yours you wouldn't be making the decision you want to make

All of the arguments that OP is unreasonable would be so much less annoying and entirely fair enough if people would stop saying this. It is not true at all, many people WOULD make this decision with their own children and have said as much here.

Hesma · 28/08/2023 12:28

The girls should share, that is the obvious solution but I get you being all PFB

AudaciousCockerel · 28/08/2023 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rentquery1 · 28/08/2023 12:36

A very wise decision / choice
*to the poster who said they would never be a step parent

Misste1 · 28/08/2023 12:57

@billy1966 he sounds like an arse.. I have a little boy, ex’s kids were both girls 6&8 year old, they shared a room, my boy had his own but he wasn’t even in his own room at the time, he was still in a toddler bed as the 6 year old couldn’t be trusted around him. Suppose if the bedroom that OPs boy had was big enough they could separate into two rooms with false wall & they’d all get their own room. I wouldn’t want my 18m to share a room with a 6yo, but I wouldn’t put 18m old in their own room in the first place, i want them a baby as long as possible but that’s me haha. Hope OP comes up with some idea though. It’s hard having step kids but all children must be thought of during the process not just your own x

youaintmymother · 28/08/2023 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

Brook Traffic Lights:

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?
Grumpy101 · 28/08/2023 14:53

YANBU to reconsider the relationship. He's not pulling his weight and he's not parenting his own children. It honestly sounds like you will be better off on your own

YABU about the bedrooms - at that age they shouldn't be sharing.